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Internet Oracularities #500

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Usenet Oracularities #500    (43 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 14 Nov 1992 10:35:57 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
   oracle@cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these Oracularities on
an integer scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume
number to oracle-vote on iuvax (probably just reply to this message).
For example:
   500
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

500   43 votes 1cee2 6ja53 489e8 7dac1 24md2 4agb2 4ah75 9ha25 18dg5 234ao
500   3.1 mean  3.1   2.5   3.3   2.7   3.2   2.9   3.0   2.5   3.4   4.2


500-01    (1cee2 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle?  Hi.  I'm one of the TA's for your Tuesday - Thursday course
> at Usenet University, "Intro to the Usenet Oracle."  We had a few
> questions about the course content, and frankly some of the students
> who signed up for this course are a little strange, so we were hoping
> you could help us out and answer a few questions.
>
>      *        A lot of the students are complaining about hard-to-find
>       textbooks for this course, and some of the foreign students
>       say that the books are banned in their home countries and
>       that they could be executed for even speaking of them.
>       How should we handle this?
>
>      *        The animal-rights activists are protesting about the
>       woodchuck questions.  They say the woodchucks weren't given any
>       choice about whether they wanted to participate in this course,
>       that woodchucks have the same rights as people do and should be
>       given college credit just like everybody else, and threatening to
>       have you brought before a faculty review board for not being
>       Politically Correct.  They say they're willing to forgive this in
>       exchange for an "A" in the course, which would also help to
>       remedy the past injustices of your ancestors.  Any suggestions?
>
>      *        On a similar note, a number of female students in the
>       course claim that the Oracle/Lisa relationship is inherently
>       sexist and are demanding that the course material be rewritten to
>       be gender-neutral and unoffensive.  They are threatening to have
>       you brought before a Congressional committee made up entirely of
>       newly elected female Representatives, where you will be publicly
>       drawn, quartered, branded as a sexist and rejected as a Supreme
>       Court nominee.  They are also willing to overlook this injustice
>       in exchange for an "A" in the course, although you would have to
>       spend several weeks in Sensitivity Training seminars in order to
>       retain your tenure.
>
>      *        An across-the-board 10% budget cut by the state
>       legislature has made it impossible to obtain many of the
>       materials needed for lab sessions and demonstrations in the
>       course, and the Dean says that even if they DO find an intact
>       Brontosaurus frozen in the Swiss Alps, we can't buy it and make
>       it into steaks.  The department auditor is already asking us to
>       explain the purchase of 764 cans of whipped cream, and we're
>       having a hard time.
>
>      *        Finally, a number of us graduate students have been
>       wondering about whether this program really has a future, in
>       terms of career and job opportunities and the like, and whether
>       there's really a market out there for postgraduate degrees in
>       Oracular Theology.  Can you give us any pointers on what we need
>       to do in order to become omnipotent deities like yourself?
>
> Thanks for your help.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look, you little weasel, you're never going to make it as a faculty
} member unless you learn to write shorter memos.  And that's PROFESSOR
} Oracle to you.  Your supplication contained five questions instead of
} the requisite one, and for that alone I'm having you dropped from the
} program.  To give you consolation and something to think over while
} you wash dishes, I'll answer them and show you how a *real* Oracle
} writes a memo.
}
}    * Fail them.
}    * Fail them.
}    * Fail them.
}    * Lie.
}    * See first sentence above.
}
} TUO/ln.s.g


500-02    (6ja53 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Dave Disser <disser@engin.umich.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise Oracle, who knows much in the ways of the
> Universe, please help this most lowly and unworthy supplicant.
>
> I was playing a record yesterday, and as I watched it, a thought
> came into my head.  (Yes, this is rare, but it's a really neat
> thought.)  Anyhow, I noticed that the outer part of the record
> moves faster than the inner part; that is, the outer part of the
> record covers more distance than the inner part in the same time.
> But even though the record is spinning at several different speeds
> as you go from edge to center, the whole thing doesn't rip itself
> to shreds.  How does a record stay together when you play it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Watching the record spin must have affected your brain in some
} mysterious way. The outer part makes as many laps per minute as the
} inner part. This is also true when it comes to Compact Discs. I
} recommend that you buy a CD player. Many CD players hide the disc
} completely, and that will remove the problem you have concerning
} spinning things with music on them.
}
} And the sound is better too...
}
} You owe the Oracle a Bang&Olufsen EXP 9 ENSI-VE hi-fi system.


500-03    (489e8 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wonderous oracle of knowledge and power,
> I wish to knwo the answer to a humble and insignificant query.
>
> When I was in 1st grade, and all through grade school, I had a desk
> about 2 feet square, with room underneath to store stuff inside.  I
> filled it with rocks and got paste all over the top.  In middle school,
> the desks did not have space inside them.  In high school the desks
> were just like middle school, only smaller.  I usually took up the two
> desks on either side of me, if I could.  Now that I'm in college and
> have even more reason to need a larger desktop than I ever have, I find
> they are about half a foot square and bolted to chairs that are too
> small to sit in.  Was there some cosmic mixup somewhere?  Were the
> desks that ended up at grade school meant for colleges, but got lost
> along the way?  Were these tiny insufficient desks meant for the grade
> schoolers they would actually fit? Why has nothing been done to correct
> this situation?  I need help before I need a chiropractor!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING DESKS
} Original Screenplay by Sally Caves
}
} [Scene 1: A 1950s suburban elementary school.  Blackboard with
} handwriting exercises, American flag, apple on desk, etc.]
}
} Billy Harbrace: OWW!!!
}
} Mary Pietrowski: What's the matter, Billy?
}
} [Camera zooms in on Billy's right hand.  It is lined with a thin
} trickle of blood.]
}
} Billy: (Crying) I was resting my hand inside my desk, and just now
} when I pulled it out my desk BIT me!
}
} [Dissolve]
} [Scene 2: A 1950s high-school detention room.  PAN to clock on wall,
} which reads 3:30.  PAN to the room's only occupant, Fred "Fonz"
} Fonseca, asleep with his head on his desk.  Sudden BELL.]
}
} [Fonz jolts awake and attempts to stand upright and leave the room.
} He is trapped by the desk.  With increasing frenzy he attempts to
} shake free of the desk, to no avail.]
}
} Fonz:  Auggh!!  It's...SHRINKING!!  I can't get out!  (Etc., ad lib.)
}
} [Dissolve.  PAN to clock, which reads 3:45.  PAN to Fonz lying still
} on the floor.  Camera angle makes it clear he has been all but
} bisected by his desk.  Fade.]
}
} [Scene 3: Police Station.  Young Bud Wheelwright, star of the college
} varsity football team, has just rushed into Chief Wizener's office.]
}
} Bud: I tell you, Chief, you've got to believe me!  They were killed by
} THEIR DESKS!!  The desks are shrinking!!  You've got to do
} something!!!
}
} Chief: Bud, Bud, you know I look the other way when you and the boys
} have a little fun after a game, but this is going too far.  Where's
} the bottle?  Who's been selling to you?
}
} Bud: (Choking back a sob) I'm not drunk!  I'M NOT DRUNK!!  (Growing
} increasingly frenzied)  THE...DESKS...ARE GOING...TO KILL US...
} ALL...
}
} [Deputy Jones slips up behind Bud and puts a hammerlock on him as the
} Chief quickly steps forward and snaps a pair of handcuffs on his
} wrists.]
}
} Bud: (being dragged to a cell)  NO....NO-OOO....NOOO-OOOOOO!
}
} [Scene 4.  College math class.  Professor Eierkopf is standing at the
} blackboard, his back to the class, scratching his head and jotting
} down complicated formulas.]
}
} Eierkopf: Now, the integral root of E^3 divided by the inverse
} logarithmic coefficient of the velocity should yield...
}
} [Increasing tempo of strangled noises, muted shrieks, and moans from
} off-camera.]
}
} Eierkopf: ...the exponent of... Now, really, class, I must insist, we
} must have quiet...  the relative force of the mass times time...
}
} [The screams are becoming too loud to ignore.  Muffled thumps grow
} louder.]
}
} Eierkopf: (turning) Class, I INSIST....
}
} [ZOOM in to full-face closeup of Eierkopf in sheer horror.  CUT to
} view of class, where about half the students are struggling against
} their desks in the last throes of strangulation, while the other
} half are already lying motionless on their sides.  Music CRESCENDO
} and fade.]
}
} [Scene 5.  Outside the University.  Military vehicles, sounds of
} sirens and airplanes.  Crowd scene of soldiers.  Slow zoom to
} Colonel Peterson of the Army, talking with Professor Bright of
} the Chemistry Department.]
}
} Col. Peterson: So, if I understand you, the smallest fragment of wood
} from an alien desk is enough to cause an ordinary desk to mutate?
}
} Prof. Bright: Well, it's not a mutation, strictly speaking.  In
} scientific terms it would be considered a pathological
} extraterrestrial viral invasion of the molecular substructure of
} the organic material in...
}
} Col. Peterson: (exasperated) Look, Professor, with all due respect,
} I'm trying to save lives, not win a Nobel Prize.  What will it take to
} wipe out the...mutation, virus, whatever?
}
} Prof. Bright: I'm afraid nothing short of total annihilation at an
} instantaneous temperature of over 1 million degrees Centigrade.
}
} Col. Peterson: Professor, I'm a military man!  In plain English, what
} do we have that will do that?
}
} [ZOOM shot of Prof. Bright smiling grimly.]
}
} Prof. Bright: Nothing... except... the H-BOMB!
}
} Col. Peterson (grimly resolved, speaking into his walkie-talkie):
} Lieutenant, get me Air Force HQ...
}
} [Scene 6.  Bud frantically sawing away at the bars of his cell with a
} case-knife.]
}
} Bud: They...(puff)...can't drop...(puff) the Bomb...(puff puff)...must
} tell them about...(puff) gamma-ray molecular neutralizer...
}
} [Scene 7.  Mid-range shot of B-52.  JUMP to cockpit.]
}
} Pilot: I don't like this.  The Japs, that was war, but this is
} Plainville, USA.
}
} Co-Pilot: You heard the Colonel.  It's either Plainville...or all of
} us!
}
} [Engine sound CRESCENDO.]
}
} [Scene 8.  University.]
}
} Colonel: Zero hour minus five and counting.
}
} [Two MPs rush up dragging a struggling Bud.  Another MP hands the
} Gamma Ray Molecular Neutralizer to the Colonel.]
}
} MP: We caught a Russkie spy, Colonel...
}
} Bud: NO!! NO!! I'm Bud Wheelwright, from State U.!  I can stop the
} desks... the Gamma Ray Molecular...
}
} Colonel: Shut up!  If you're an American, maybe you can tell me who
} played first base for the American League team in the 1952 World
} Series?
}
} Bud: I... I... I don't know, sir, I'm mostly a *football* fan...
}
} [Colonel pulls an automatic pistol from his holster.]
}
} Colonel: Here's a message to take back to Moscow, Ivan!
}
} [Camera ZOOM to Colonel's set face as the crack of a single bullet
} is heard.]
}
} [Scene 9.  Long shot of University, then JUMP CUT to B-52.  JUMP CUT
} to University.  A second or two of silence, then CUT to classic
} pic of mushroom cloud.]
}
} [Scene 10.  Soldiers in radiation suits approaching the Colonel.  Lead
} soldier doffs his helmet.]
}
} Soldier: We got them all, Colonel.  Ran a sweep.  The desks are gone.
}
} Colonel: (Face front to camera, as music swells) Men, sometimes...
} a few must sacrifice...that all...may live...  God Bless America!
}
} [Scene 11.  A darkened room with cinder-block walls.  Camera pans to
} sign: "State U Bomb Shelter."  SLOW PAN to center of room.  Several
} DESKS are there in a loose circle.  As menacing drum beats gradually
} crescendo, first one desk, then another, then all, begin to vibrate
} and then creep slowly across the floor.]
}
} [Closing text:          THE ... END ???    ]
} [Credits]


500-04    (7dac1 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: buck@sunyit.edu (Jesse Buckley)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, magnificant Oracle whose feet I am truely unworthy to even have the
> slightest idea of even trying to gain an attempt at possible coming
> close to considering to smell...  I need to know the following...
>
> Oh, great Oracle, please answer for me this one question that has been
> burning my very brain for the turns of days a time...
>
> Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The scene:
} A smoky Comedy Club, complete with tiny stage, agressive "2-drink
} minimum waitresses", and a brick facade.  It's 3:30 am.  The
} "bright, young" comedians have started to take the stage to
} do their 1/2 hour of material.  The audience is drunk, asleep,
} or simply not present.
}
} A fine, new, bright, young comedian has just finished twelve
} minutes of schtick about the difference between dogs in New York
} and cats in Los Angeles to thunderous silence and snoring.  The young
} comedian is so crestfallen and distracted that he completely blows
} the next joke:
}
} "Why don't we park in the parkway and drive in the driveway?", he says.
}
} At that very moment, a sonic wormhole opens up in space and time.
}
} Galaxies far away, in the kingdom of Quatxnil, the king of
} all Quatxnil is about to give a speech to all his subjects.  His
} majesty stands up on his royal three legs, leans towards the
} microphone, ready to give a meaningful speech.  Instead the other side
} of the wormhole opens and all of Quatxnil hears the king declare,
} "Why don't we park in the parkway and drive in the driveway?"
}
} Excited by the royal proclamation, the Quatxnilians go to the parkways
} to park and to the driveways to drive.  After 3 months, all of
} Quatxnil is dead. Each Quatxnilian died either from starvation
} in a massive traffic jam or by having a garage collapse on his head.
}
} Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?
} To save all civilization from extinction.
}
} You owe the Oracle some Cypress trees, 12 bags of concrete, a small
} pool of crankcase oil, and a pardon from Douglas Adams.


500-05    (24md2 dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@taligent.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> #include<stdgrovel>
>
> No this is not a "42" or "woodchuck" or "is there a sound ..."
>  question! SO DON`T PANIC !
>
>  How do you actually see the future?
>  I mean, do you performe timetravels or read other peoples hands or
>  use an I Ging or does god tell you the answers or do you have
>  a bag of fortune cookies ???????
>
> Forgive your stupid novice for this question

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} #include<stdcomplaintthatgrovelisinsufficienttosalveOracle'sego>
}
} Whenever I am called upon to predict the future, I do it in several
} steps.
}
} First, I kill a pigeon (turtledoves are hard to find these days),
} spread its entrails across the ground, and use it to divine the future.
}  That usually doesn't work, so I <ZOT> the mess and it turns into a
} nicely-cooked appetizer that goes well with toast.
}
} Next, I do the same with a Republican.  That usually doesn't work
} either, and I'm forced to <ZOT> the mess and spread the ashes over the
} Watergate building.
}
} After that, I usually run a Monte Carlo simulation.  Of everything.  As
} you can guess, the computer that runs this simulation is big.
} Incredibly big.  In fact, if it existed in the normal space-time
} continuum, it would, in fact, be significantly larger than the entire
} universe.  (As you can guess, it was mondo expensive to subcontract,
} although as a result Intel is back on its feet again.  To write the
} program, it actually took many billion years longer than the universe
} has been around, so I needed to borrow a friend's TARDIS to move
} everyone back and forth throughout eternity.  And boy, THAT was a story
} in itself...)
}
} The only problem is, the random number generator isn't working very
} well on my machine at the moment.  And, well, since I am omnipotent and
} all that, I kind of... cheat.  If I predict something will happen from
} the simulation, and it isn't about to occur, I sorta... intervene.  So
} -- it looks like the entire Western Hemisphere will be pelted by a rain
} of squid for forty days and fifty nights.
}
} Have a nice day.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pair of fair dice.


500-06    (4agb2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise and wonderful, all seeing, all knowing, all doing Oracle (who
> has done Lisa many times). Thou that knowest the true meaning of the
> word "bunny fluff". Thou that knowest the actual number of hairs on a
> wombat's behind (to the nearest 27). Please help thy humble
> supplicant to solve his problem.
>
> I am falling in love with my pet wombat. Is this strange. Should I
> see a doctor. Is oral sex with a minor wombat legal in Arkansas?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant,
}       Yes, it would normally be strange for anyone to fall in love with
} a pet wombat.  You might see a doctor (try going to the golf course on
} a Thursday or Saturday morning), but really they don't look that
} special and the sight would do little for you.  The fact is that you
} are the reincarnation of a wombat, and the residual memories of your
} past life make wombats very attractive to you sexually.  The Oracle has
} two suggestions, mutually exclusive; take your pick:
}
} 1. Get a good self editor (like a text editor, only it works on living
} things) and read the wombat into it.  Now do a command to replace that
} "bat" in "wombat" with "an": thus the wombat will be transformed into a
} woman. Owing to the nature of self editors, the resulting woman will
} still have a few wombatty characteristics and should still be
} attractive to you.  She will be very found of digging up roots, but
} with training this can be modified into a passionate love for
} gardening.
}
} 2. Visit your friendly neighborhood mad scientist and have yourself
} transformed into another wombat.  Of course, this has drawbacks: you'll
} have to make arrangements for both of you to be moved to the Australian
} bush, or to a nice zoo or something.  Also, any affection the wombat
} might have had for you could have been due to your being its master: as
} a wombat, you might be dreadfully unattractive, with (say) ugly looks,
} halitosis, foot odor, etc.  There's no guarantee that your pet will
} love your new self. You could find yourself unloved, rejected, and
} being chased by dingoes, with no hope of protection or affection from
} anyone or anything.
}
} Oral sex with a minor wombat is legal in Arkansas.  Hillary Clinton was
} the lawyer in the landmark case (Higglepharster vs. State), which
} involved anal sex with a 'possum, and struck down all Arkansas laws
} dealing with any form of sex with marsupials.


500-07    (4ah75 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: John.McCartney@EBay.Sun.COM ( The Lion of Symmetry )

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> Of late, your answers to me have been unfunny, unwitty and
> unilluminating: they have, however, been factual - I'll give you that.
> (Hence, no grovel.)
>
> Could you tell me why you aren't funny, witty and wise anymore - why
> you have become truthful and boring, in fact?
>
> "To acquire learning, add one thing [to your mind] every day.
> To acquire wisdom, forget one thing each day."        - Chuangtse.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Requiem for an Oracle.
} ----------------------
}
} I am but the sum of my parts: They grow weary, and wander.
}
} To paraphrase the words of the great Chuangtse, "They that are wise
} have forgotten." They forget whence the Oracle came, once the provider
} of pearls of wisdom that now are so scattered, as snowflakes in a
} blizzard, obscured by the litter of multitudinous minds bereft of
} learning, bereaved of wit. Oft blurred, the Supplicants and Querents
} become dissatisfied, committing the Oracle to the downward spiral of a
} falling leaf in the autumn.
}
} From strength came forth sweetness: From Oracle came forth wisdom. The
} strength is waning as the wisdom, like the snow in the harsh sunlight
} of day, dissipates. The Receiver, unwilling to invest a little time or
} wit, denies the Donor a meritorious response. The Donor, dismayed,
} refrains from seeking the Oracle's advice. And so it goes on.
}
} Pearls, when cast amongst swine, become as chewing-gum under a desk:
} unappreciated until you stick your grubby digit in it. As you sow, so
} do you reap.  Seek not what you can get out of the Oracle, but ask
} "What can I give?".
}
} Thus will the Oracle grow and flourish once more.  Also if the damned
} thing would run such that all responses to a query make it back to the
} entity who asked the question, then would the less flippant and more
} thought-out responses be forthcoming. What price a flippant off-hander
} compared to a longer, more contrived response?  What Priest would not
} relish the magical vote in excess of 4.2 on the oracularity of his/her
} choosing?
}
} You owe the Oracle nothing. He enjoyed the opportunity to have a good
} gripe at the expense of your question.


500-08    (9ha25 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> The fellow on the next terminal keeps pointing at the screen saying
> ZOT in a load voice. O, allknowing Oracle, could you please tell me
> what is wrong with him.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The fool, no doubt asked another stupid woodchuck question.


500-09    (18dg5 dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@troi.cc.rochester.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and splendiferous Oracle, I beg that ye tell me:
>
> Is excessive grovelling in or out these days?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Of course, excessive grovelling never goes out of style with *me*,
} however my extremely fickle priesthood has been cutting off almost all
} of the long specimens these days. Not just from supplicants either, but


500-10    (234ao dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Todd Radel <radel@bach.udel.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ** TIME PARADOX TURBO E-MAIL **
> DATE : 20th December 2017
> SUBJECT : Operation COUNTERZOT
> FROM : connorj@rebelhq.garbage.dump  (John Connor, Shock Resistance)
> STATUS : URGENT
>
> There are two Terminators trying to blow my ass off right now so I'll
> be brief.  SKYNET has sent back a Series: X9000 Terminator to
> assassinate you! Why?  Well, we've discovered the best way to attack
> SKYNET is by repeatedly sending it variations of the wood chuck
> question by e-mail, thus crossing it's circuits and confusing the hell
> out of it.  SKYNET is convinced that you are the reason the wood chuck
> question was invented.  Boy, does it *hate* you!  We sent back an agent
> to help you, but he was arrested for indecent exposure (why can't they
> invent a time machine that works on clothes ?)  The X9000 can change
> into a series of electrical pulses and travel across the net at twenty
> times the speed of normal e-mail.  Its chief weapon is its <ZIT> ray,
> which afflicts whoever it strikes with such bad acne they commit
> suicide.
> Good luck.  You, humanity and wood chucks are depending on you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Egads.  There's only one thing to do: clone a Schwarzenegger simulacrum
} and teleport my consciousness into it.  With Arnold's brawn and my
} brains the X9000 will be /dev/null fodder in no time.  Here goes...
}
}         %clone -o schwarzenegger
}           fatal error: insufficient body mass
}           attempting to reduplicate with two smaller bodies...
}           _______                                 ________
}                  \       *** RRRRIIIIP ***       /
}                   \_____________   _____________/
}                                 \ /
} Hello!  I am Hans Orakel...      | ... und I am Franz Orakel, und ve
}                                  | are hier to
}                                  |
} WISE *YOU* UP!!                  | WISE *YOU* UP!!
}                                  |
} Ja, Frans, look vot I haf hier   |
} today, a puny little brainless-  |
} Supplicant vot is zo schtupid    |
} he doesn't even know how to      |
} grovel!                          |
}                                  | Ja, he doesn't know how to
}                                  | praise der magnificence of our
}                                  | extremely enormous cerebellums
}                                  | mit his puny little macho-man
}                                  | cranium!
} Oh, und he is so schtupid--      |
} listen now und hear me later--   |
} he vants to know, "Vot is der    |
} meaning of life?"                |
}                                  | Such a pea-brain little macho-man
}                                  | qvestion!  The silly television-
}                                  | watching-person has surely never even
}                                  | read Kierkegaard or Jean-Paul Sartre!
} Ja, aber me and Franz, we read   |
} L'Etre et le neant in French     |
} while ve brush our teeth!  Und   |
} we speak fluent Danish, too!     |
}                                  | Ja, und listen, puny little macho-
}                                  | brain: "Der world is all dat is
}                                  | der case!"  Dat is Wittgenstein,
}                                  | whose name you probably cannot even
}                                  | say mit your big ape-like mouth!
} Ja, und Franz, hear his oder     |
} qvestion, "Hau much vood could   |
} a voodchuck chuck if a voodchuck |
} could chuck vood?"               |
}                                  | Ach, der tiny microbe-brain suppli-
}                                  | cant, der poor baby does not know
}                                  | dat Russell und Whitehead haf
}                                  | answered der Voodchuck Qvestion
}                                  | so long time ago in Principia
}                                  | Mathematica!!
} Ja, zo listen now and hear us    |
} in the future, dachshund-brain:  |
} pump yourself up mit some smart  |
} drugs und do many brain teasers  |
} und read der Usenet until your   |
} itsby-bitsy flabby macho-man     |
} brain has many strong neural     |
} connections!                     |
}                                  | So nau, Hans, hier is another
}                                  | qvestion from a foolish Supplicant
}                                  | in der Futur varning us about a
}                                  | Terminator coming to kill us!
} Ooooh, a Terminator, I am so     |
} scared I might not remember      |
} pi to 10,000 places!             |
}                                  | Ja, vot is der overgrown macho-man
}                                  | Terminator going to do to us, mit
}                                  | all his brains in his massive
}                                  | buttocks?  He cannot even count
}                                  | higher than ten because he has
}                                  | no more fingers!
} Ha-ha, Franz, you forget his     |
} enormous overgrown macho-man     |
} male organ!  I am zo impressed   |
} that he can count to eleven!     |
} But wait until he sees us doing  |
} binary division in our heads!    |
}                                  | Ja, die Terminator will go running
}                                  | back to his macho-man Futur ven he
}                                  | sees our enormous cerebral organs
}                                  | engaged in massif cogitation!  Shall
}                                  | we show der audience hau ve vill
}                                  | terrify die flea-brained Terminator?
} Ja, like ZO:                     |
}                                  |
}    <KNITS BROW FURIOUSLY>        |      <KNITS BROW FURIOUSLY>
}                                  |
}                                  | Zo remember, friends, take many
}                                  | logic und computer science classes
}                                  | und someday you may have big
}                                  | nerdy-man brains like ours!  Until
}                                  | next time, I am Franz Orakel...
} Und I am Hans Orakel, und ve     |
} are hier to.....                 |
}                                  |
}       WISE *YOU* UP!!            |       WISE *YOU* UP!!!


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