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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh grate sir: > > Is your address ``moose'' because your answers lately have been similar > to what an animal produces? > > Just curious. > ps Save your Zot! answers for another time.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You mean as life-sustaining as meat, as luxuriously comforting as fur, } and as useful as hide?  The Oracle appreciates the thought, but no, } there is a much more prosaic explanation for "moose".  The Oracle } actually resides in a moose!  It has long been known that, as a } computing device, the human brain far outstrips even the most } sophisticated machinery.  The same is true of most mammalian brains.  A } shrew can be re-configured to operate at approximately the level of an } Apple 2E.  A tiger can perform about as effectively as a Sparkstation. } A moose provides more than enough computing power to support the } Oracle's activities on this planet, and has the added benefit of a } really impressive nose. } } You owe the Oracle a 10 mega-flop pig with 5 gigabytes of RAM, a } graphics co-processor, a 100 Mbyte harddisk, and 5 tons of slop.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I addicted to sniffing my dogs foul breath!?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The words "foul" and "dog" are triggering something in the Oracle's } infallible memory...something in the Personals column of today's } Disincarnate Herald...  Ah!  Here it is: } }       LOST: ONE HELLHOUND }       NEAR THE PLAIN OF MEGIDDO }       COAT: STYGIAN BLACK }       EYES: COAL-BLACK, WITH NASCENT RED GLOW }       SIZE: HUMUNGOUS }       BREATH: LIKE THE TOMB, ONLY LESS PLEASANT }       IF FOUND, PLEASE RETURN TO: }       FOUR HORSEMEN STABLES AND ENGLISH RIDING SCHOOL }       666 TORMENT CIRCLE }       DIS, HADES 90210 } } You appear to have acquired a beast whose presence is required } at the last trump.  To answer your question, the breath of the } hell-hound is known to lighten one's karmic burden, if only } because its very foulness is more than adequate penance for } any sin.   So it looks like you know what is good for you. } } You owe the Oracle a hail mary and a bag of snausages.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is the meaning of life? > which of us is the opposite sex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi. } } I could flame you for not groveling, or for asking two questions in } only one message, but because I am the Oracle, and all-knowing as well } as all-tolerant (at least with regard to Lisa), I realize that your two } questions, really, are as one.  Let me explain. } } There are plenty of other questions you could have asked, like "Why are } manhole covers round?" or "Help!  This situation isn't covered by } 'Life's Little Instruction Book!'  What do I do?" or even "Where's that } dag-blamed shift key again?" } } But you chose to ask "what is the meaning of life?" and "which of us is } the opposite sex?"  Since you asked one right after the other, clearly } you find them linked.  Equally clearly, what you really meant to say } was "How can I get a member of the opposite sex to discuss the meaning } of life with me, while we're both horizontal and naked?"  And gosh, how } I'd tell you if I knew. } }  -- Incarnation #73

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me why it is an undesputed fact that HARDCORE TECHNO as a > music form is better than anything else in this world.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In the past, musicians placed a greater emphasis on frivolous musical } techniques, such as harmony and melody.  As we have approached modern } times, the "science" of musical composition has advanced, following the } "less is more" principle, such that the major emphasis in techno music } is the repetition of a single note, over and over again (or so it } seems).  The Oracle is sure that, had the technology been available, } Mozart would have written the entire body of his music such that it } must be played on extremely expensive electronic equipment at volume } setting "11" to be appreciated. } } You owe the Oracle a copy of Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor", for } synthesizer and electric guitar.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, the obvious answer is that "it" is a pronoun (more specifically, } a neuter pronoun of the third person singular).  But since you've gone } to the trouble of asking the Oracle this question, instead of simply } looking "it" up in the dictionary, you must be talking about the "it" } of the ancient legends.... } } In the ancient days, when the earth and sky were young, war had not yet } been invented.  The young warriors sat around the council fire and grew } restless, for they had nothing to do.  So chief Jumping Eagle saw that } the warriors were restless, and decided that they must occupy } themselves with a game. So they played tag. } } Chief Jumping Eagle was the first to be "it", and he tagged Dancing } Sparrow. And Dancing Sparrow tagged Running Bobcat.  And Running Bobcat } tagged Walking Horse and Walking Horse tagged Sleeping Moose.  But } Sleeping Moose was the slowest of all the warriors, and he could not } tag anyone. } } So Sleeping Moose saisd, "I will tag the west wind, so that the west } wind will be it."  and he tagged the west wind.  But the on the next } day, the wind blew from the east, and tagged Sleeping Moose right back. }  So then Sleeping Moose said, "I will tag the water in the river, so } that the water will be it."  And he tagged the water, and the water ran } down the Big River, and the Big River ran down to the Big Sea.  And } many moons passed, and the water became the clouds, and the rain fell } on Sleeping Moose, and tagged Sleeping Moose. } } So Sleeping Moose said, "I'm sick of this.  I will tag the big } mountain, which does not blow as the wind, and does not run as the } water.  The big mountain will stay where it is, and will not tag me } back.  So Sleeping Moose tagged the big mountain, and the big mountain } stayed where it was, and did not tag Sleeping Moose back. } } And the big mountain was it for many, many seasons.  The warriors had } grandsons and their grandsons had grandsons, until the medicine man } they called Oracle climbed the big mountain, to speak with the spirits } of nature.  And the Oracle said to the spirit of the big mountian "Big } Mountain Spirit, will you speak to me?"  And the spirit of the mountain } said "Yes, I will speak to you, Oracle." Oracle said "What do you have } to say to me?", and the big mountain said. "Tag, you're it!  Hahahaha!" } } And Oracle was it for many more seasons, until Unsuspecting Supplicant } came to Oracle.  And Unsuspecting Supplicant asked Oracle: } } "What is it?" } } And Oracle replied: } } "TAG!!!  _You_ are it!!!!   No Tag-Backs!!!  Hahahahahaha"

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose toe-jam I am not worthy to play football with, > whose walrus gumboots I am too lowly to lick, and whose mojo filter is > never clogged, I beg you to tell me: > > Who is this Lucy person?  I mean, how did she get in the sky, and where > did she get all those diamonds?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It all began thirty years ago,... } ... } } ...um, It all began thirty years ago,... } ... } } (Is your screen all wavy yet?) } } Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum... } "Hurry, Lucy!  We're going to be late for the dinner." } "Okay, I'm ready, Ricky.  How do I look?" } "Oh, Lucy!  Your dress is...so...so...inside out." } "What?  Oh my!" } "Go fix it -- and hurry up!  We don't want to be late" } } (Commercial Break) } TIME-LIFE(tm) Books is proud to announce its new series of videos: } VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS } Now you can own your own slow-motion footage of some of the classic } deaths in the political quest for power.  Witness the drama of the } JFK, RFK, and LBJ assassinations.  See Martin Luthor King and Lee } Harvey Oswald get plugged in detail you never thought was possible. } Take a journey you will never forget with the LAPD as they viciously } pummel Rodney King, and thrill in the bloodshed following the trial. } All these great classics plus some never-before-seen footage of some } of our own Time-Life editors beating up on bystanders can be yours for } just $39.95 when you call 1-800-THE-FIST.  Make your video library } complete! } Order your copy of VIOLENT CARNAGE FROM U S POLITICS by calling } 1-800-843-3848.  Thats 1-800-843-8834.  Order today! } } (End Commercial) } } "Gee, Ricky, isn't she going to explode in the vacuum of space?" } "Who?  Lucy?  No, not Lucy!" } "Help!  Get me down!  Somebody call an astronaut!  Helllllp!" } } Dum da-da-dum da-da-DUP da-dum... } } You owe the oracle vintage footage of Fred McMurray killing his three } sons.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Who is DOG?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Beats hell out of me. Go ask your parish tseirp. } } You owe the Oracle a caps lock key.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why are my friends so stupid?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O Unworthy Disrespectful Mortal! } } Your "friends" are not stupid at all; they are mind-phased to } approximately 45 degrees through a dimension you would not } understand.  On this level, they disuss transcendental existential } multiphase quantum metaphysical dynamics and make fun of your typing. } } In order to become mind-phased, one must drink an awful lot of } tequila while watching "Wayne's World" standing on one's head playing } the kazoo to the tune of Robert Johnson's "Dead Shrimp Blues" wearing } a tutu and high heels that are too small for you.  Yes, even if you } are a guy.  And yes, through the whole movie.  Also double yes you } have to have the tequila shots every ten minutes, with no chaser. } } If you don't do this exactly, you will just be silly, drunk and } stupid. } } You Owe the Oracle ten packs of Smarties and a copy of "Wayne's } World".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Well , subject says it all...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Well, yes.  The subject does say it all, subjectively speaking. } }   But the subject of my objection is my rejection of your interjection } that the subject, objectively speaking, does say it all.  For on } objective reflection, apart from the subject, you neglect to respect } the effect of the adjectives and the objects (both direct and } indirect.) } }   Trying to be circumspect of any disrespect, in retrospect I would } expect to connect a more correct recollection of the subject with your } intellect.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle whose toe jam is sweeter than Smucker's; your humble > supplicant beseeches you. Please tell me. > > How can I gain wisdom?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It's 1993 (in your mere mortal years, anyway), and I no longer have toe } jam.  I have Pearl Jam. } } And since it's just after Christmas, we here at the Oracle Shopping } Network have great deals on a whole range of Supplicant Products for } Increased Tenacity (SPIT).  These will surely help you gain wisdom. } } 1) Ensure++.  Originally $999.99 (450 pounds sterling, several million } lira), *NOW ONLY $6.66!!!*  This powdered fish brain is just what you } need to add weight and muscle to the old cerebellum!  Simply have a } reasonable breakfast, a reasonable lunch, and then 35 Ensure++ shakes } for dinner, and _presto_, you'll find that your head will be SPINNING } with new ideas! } } And for the "Show-off" in you, try New Ensure Ego!  Works like } Ensure++, but it will actually INCREASE THE SIZE OF YOUR HEAD!  Watch } people's eyes bulge as they gaze at what must surely be a dizzying } intellect! } } Available in Chocolate, Vanilla, Bubble Gum, Coral, Lilac, Firebrick, } Heifer, and Battleship Grey. } } 2) Marks-Pheing XR287 X-Ray Goggles.  Only $38 (0.0000000000002167 } Galactic Pu)!!!  This motorcycle crash helmet will give you insight } you've never dreamed of!  Weighing in at only 45 pounds, it's fully } portable with its Bowling Ball Bag Carrying Case (only available } through OSN).  Just put it on, press a few buttons, and WHAMMO!  You've } irradiated your head!  And for a small extra fee, OSN will sell you a } Limited 36month/36rad Warranty! } } 3) You've seen it on Saturday Night Live, but you can only order it } through OSN!  That's right!  Rubik's Grenade!  This thought-provoking } puzzle will have your pulse and brain racing!  Simply mix it up, pull } the pin, and then solve it by lining up all the blocks of the same } color!  Great at parties. 3 for $46.99. } } 4) Some say, "With age comes wisdom."  So why wait?!?  For a limited } time only, you can acquire the Thanatos Mirror for only $120 ($135 in } Canada). Simply look into it, and you'll age 10 years!  In only } moments, you can be the wisest being on the block.  And if it doesn't } work after 5 tries, we'll replace it *FREE*! } } To order, simply send check or money order to: Oracle Shopping Network, } P.O. Box 92166, Terra Haute, BI, or call, toll free, 1-800-WIZARD7. } OSN accepts all credit cards and bribes, so order now! } } You owe the oracle 50 years of your life.  I get to choose which 50 } years.