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Internet Oracularities #602

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602, 602-01, 602-02, 602-03, 602-04, 602-05, 602-06, 602-07, 602-08, 602-09, 602-10


Usenet Oracularities #602    (57 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 1 Nov 1993 12:02:26 -0500

@@@ The Usenet Oracle -- 75 thousand served!
@@@
@@@ Dion Hyman has just asked the Usenet Oracle its 75,000th question!
@@@ That makes for an average of 50 questions answered per day, every day,
@@@ for the past 4 years.  No rest for the omniscient, it seems.
@@@
@@@ On the occasion, Dion had to say, "I would like to thank life in
@@@ general for giving such great ideas for USENET Oracle questions."
@@@
@@@                                             Steve Kinzler

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   602
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

602   57 votes gfh72 2dgh9 7glb2 6jha5 7am8a 6ik94 03iv5 129dw d9bg8 4ip82
602   3.1 mean  2.4   3.3   2.7   2.8   3.1   2.8   3.7   4.3   2.9   2.8


602-01    (gfh72 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Carole Susan Fungaroli <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle, whose chewing gum never loses its flavour on the bedpost
> overnight.
>
> When The Beatles were struggling teenagers in Hamburg, George Harrison
> threw up one night and was too drunk to clean it up. Over time they all
> started 'feeding' it bits of food, fag ends, and other stuff, and it
> grew in time into what they called 'The Thing'.
>
> Did it ever get cleaned up, and if not, what does it look like now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       The 'thing' now rides the airwaves in the form of the 'man' they
} call Rush...
}
}       You owe the oracle some Nuprin. (Little, yellow, different)


602-02    (2dgh9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Incarnation,
>
> I have observed a disturbing pattern in your Oracularities voting.
>
>     586
>     1 1 1 5 1   1 1 1 1 1
>     587
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>     588
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>     589
>     1 1 1 1 1   1 5 1 1 1
>     590
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>     591
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>     592
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>     593
>     2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1
>
> Voting is an important responsibility and should be handled in a
> mature manner. I'll be watching you...
>
>  --
>  T.U. Oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Nice try, supplicant, but you're not fooling anyone but yourself and
} that geek three seats down.
}
} Now, let me introduce you to a modern concept called 'democracy.'
} That's where everyone votes, and all votes count equally, and the
} object/person/ideal with the most votes wins.  No other method is
} allowed in choosing an Oracularity (as if I would care, I wrote them
} all anyway).
}
} Some examples to help you understand, o feeble one:
}
} Democracy     You have a cow.  Everyone in your community (most of
}               whom have never seen a real cow and think milk is
}               grown in plastic containers) votes on what to do with
}               your cow.  The option with the most votes is what
}               you must do.
}
} Republic      You elect or appoint some fat people (none of whom
}               know any more or less about cows than you do) to
}               wander off and decide what to do with your cow for
}               you.
}
} Communism     (modern)  The government steals your cow, milks it,
}               gives you sour milk, sends you to Siberia when you
}               complain about the milk, then has steak for dinner.
}
} Communism     (ideal Marxism) see Democracy, only add hatchets to
}               the voting process.
}
} Facsism       Someone steals your cows because they are of the
}               wrong breed.  Gives you a pig, then shoots you.
}
} Totalitarian  Someone steals your cows because he can.  Shoots
}               you *and* the pig.
}
} Monarchy      Reigning monarch involved in scandal with cow, issues
}               edict stating that certain cows belong to the crown.
}
} Socialism     Government takes both of your cows, kills one, milks
}               the other, pours milk down the drain, then pays you
}               a subsidy so you can afford to buy milk from someone
}               else's cow.
}
} Get it?  Got it?  Good.
}
} You owe the Oracle a barn.  You owe it to yourself to work on forging
} my signature a bit better.


602-03    (7glb2 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} --
} Dear Priest:
}
} The Answer is *before* the dashes, you can edit this part out.
} This note to you is just here to make you stop and think twice.
} (But you could leave it in to help the voters.)
}
} As an answer to the ever-popular Null Query,
} what could be funnier, more appropriate, more perfectly *right*
} than the Null Answer?
}
} It looks like nothing, but if "less is more", then the Null Answer
} says everything!
}
} It looks simple, but actually it is the product of hours and hours
} of deep and refined cogitation, a gradual tightening up of
} the argument and elimination of unnecessary words.
}
} It looks easy, but in fact I had to wear out my fingerbones typing
} up draft after draft of it before I got it just right.
}
} So, please, Mister Priest, think twice before rejecting this
} enormously clever and deep answer.
}
} Thank you,
}
} An Incarnation


602-04    (6jha5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why am I thinking there is something here I want
>  to know about??

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, This is a dumb question.  And we have always said there is no
} such thing as a dumb question.  Well we were wrong.  We thought we
} were wrong once before, but that was a mistake.
}
} Was that what you want to know about?
}
} Probably not.  We should probably know the answer to that, but
} we don't care.
}
} Okay.  Let us stop laughing at you and get to answering your question,
} since, that is what we are paid to do.  Buy the way... We don't
} remember you sending your payment for your last question.
}
} You are thinking that way because you have not learned the true meaning
} of want.  What does want really mean?  Try the following:
} you say:                             you really mean:
} I want to go the bathroom.           I _need_ to go.
} I want to meet that girl/boy.        I dream of meeting that girl/boy.
} I want 10 dollars.                   Give me 10 dollars or I will kill
}                                      you.
} I want to go to a movie.             I am bored and can not think of any
}                                      exotic entertainment.
} I want to watch some TV.             I am braindead and can not think of
}                                      exotic entertainment (like a
}                                      movie).
} I want fries with that.              I really wish these counter people
}                                      would stop asking if I want fries
}                                      with that, especially since I
}                                      don't know the meaning of want.
}
} So when you say 'there is something here I want to know about' you are
} really saying you really need to dream of killing someone becouse you
} can't think of anything more exotic than being a counter person at a
} fast food place.
}
} You owe us: A set of tupperware tooth-brush holders in light blue
} plastic.


602-05    (7am8a dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Have they ever laid anyone off who works at the unemployment
>     office?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, because if they had, he/she would no longer work there.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tranquilizer; your grammar makes me tense.


602-06    (6ik94 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Ecstatic Oracle who never has a bad day, how can I achieve
> true happiness?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} True happiness, my best supplicant, is better when not achieved. Trust
} me, I've tried it. But I didn't inhale.


602-07    (03iv5 dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: jgm@cs.brown.edu (Jonathan G. Monsarrat)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh omniscient one who knows whether Francis Bacon really wrote all
> of Shakespeare's plays but who's not telling,
>
> I  don't get the line in _Macbeth_ where the witch asks, "When
> shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?"
> If there's thunder, isn't there lightning?  And if there's either of
> those, isn't there usually rain?  I mean, it's hard to imagine Witch #2
> saying, "Oh, let's meet in thunder, we met in lightning last time."
>
> Anyway, if Shakespeare is such a genius, the question must mean
> something, so what does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} (Nice to see that there's SOMEBODY out there not obsessed with UNIX
} and Lisa...)
}
} Witches, naturally, have a language all their own.  "Meeting in
} thunder" means "Banding together to do some serious cursing."
} "Meeting in lightning" means "Just popping in for a quick cuppa" and
} "Meeting in rain" means a trip to the pub for a few dozen pints.  By
} the way, "eye of newt" is code for "pickled onion" and "wing of bat"
} is "cuttings from an old saddle."
}
} The full translation of the dialog of the witches of the Scottish Play
} reveals they are plotting to place a basket of goat giblets on the
} throne and quintuple the tax on polydactylity.  From this we may infer
} that Shakespere was a little foggy on witchspeak, but we may forgive
} him for this.
}
} You owe the Oracle an autographed copy of _Wyrd Sisters._


602-08    (129dw dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: asbestos@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle. I do not feel lke myself today. What on earth should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Buy a piece of fossilized Pleistocene mammoth dung, then take it
} to to your local veterinarian's and tell the vet in a high state
} of agitation that you're worried about the stools your German
} shepherd is passing.  Unscrew the mirror from your bathroom medicine
} cabinet and take it with you to the downtown public library; go up
} to the help desk and ask whether they have any reverse-print books.
} Throw a major hissing fit when you are told they don't.  Go to the
} art museum, set up your easel in front of a Rembrandt, and begin
} painting a copy of Picasso's "Guernica."  If anyone points out the
} discrepancy, hit yourself on the forehead and say "Geez, you're
} right! GEEZ!!" Find someone with a "Will work for food" sign, then
} drive past him at 12 mph as you hold a Big Mac out the window and
} shout, "It's yours if you can catch it!"  Find a meter-maid and
} then jog down the street just in front of her van, putting nickels
} in every expired parking meter you see; do this for several hours.
} Rent a doorman's costume and stand out in front of the fanciest
} doorman-less hotel you can find.  When anyone passes, tip your cap
} and say, "Tickle your ass with a feather!"; when they gasp "WHAT
} did you say?!" sweetly reply, "Particularly nice weather!"  Go down
} to the airport, find a spot beneath outgoing planes, and watch
} every takeoff with a rapturous gaze; if anyone is standing next to
} you as a plane passes overhead, turn to them and say, as you point
} to the plane, "I can see its wee-wee!"
}
} I guarantee you'll feel MUCH better.


602-09    (d9bg8 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: nolan@helios.unl.edu (Harold the Foot)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Mr. Oracle,
>
>         I have heard that you are pretty smart, and very well informed.
> Can you please help me.  You see, I am adopted, and I am now trying to
> find out information about my birth parents, and my origin.  I am
> afraid I don't have much information to give you.  My adoptive parents
> actually found me, so there was no Adoption agency involved.  In fact
> all I have to go on is the blanket I was wrapped in.  It has a strange
> symbol on it.  A red, blue, and yellow "S" in an inverted triangular
> shape.
>
> Thank you very much for your help.
>
>                                         Sincerely,
>                                         Clark Kent.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Grate Mr Kent, me are unworthy to wipe glasses oF such a Mity
} Supplikant!  Me Stupid Bizarro Orakel here to ask You all my Questions!
} In Bizarro world everything backwards, me run on Nintendo and nice
} parents give bad kids Cray to play Mortal Kombat and Super Mario Bros!
} Lisa nice Sweet librarian never kiss on first date!  Steve Kinzler wrok
} for Bizarro Microsoft which give away software for free but Emacs cost
} $3 million billion bizarro dollars!
}
} So how many woodchucks a wood chuck if Woood could chuck woodchuck?
} Ha-ha, me know answer!  24!!!  Now me got other question for you:
} what thing that is green and like big rock and got funny glow all
} over comic strip?  Ha ha, me not know too but you sitting on it!
} Grate Mr Kent, you hear me?  Why Mr Kent make funny puking noises like
} on Bizarro world mean dinner very good?  Why Mr Kent lie down and not
} move like on Bizarro world mean time to wake up?  Oh, me know, Mr Kent
} grovelling, mean me got to ZOT him!
}
} The Bizarro Oracle, me going home now to ponder your Question!


602-10    (4ip82 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: bc70007@bingsuns.cc.binghamton.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Lo! Behold the might of the Oracle! With His grace, we live, without
> it we wither to dust. Oh ever-so-mighty Oracle, please find it in
> your heart to ponder on this small matter.
>
>   Today, as I left my home, a black snake raised its head
>   in my path and hissed : "Do not believe the priests of
>   B'Haarne - they are acting on behalf of Dark Forces"
>   Shocked, I opened my car door and found a note on the
>   drivers seat, saying 'For a good time, call Barnii'.
>   Even more confused, I drove off to school, only to find
>   that half my class had turned into mindless zombies,
>   whereas for instance my religions teacher was dressed
>   in a black robe, clutching a necked hen in one hand and
>   a Bible in the other. The Bible was soaked in something
>   green and turned upside-down. Also, my english teacher
>   made proposals to me during class, promising me eternal
>   life and powers beyond belief if I would take her for my bride.
>   As I made my way back from school, through the ranks of
>   goblins and orcs previously not there, I could not help
>   but wondering if something by chance was wrong. I called the
>   police but since the only thing I could hear was screams,
>   some sort of howling and gunfire, I decided to ask you,
>   oh Mighty Oracle. Could you please fill me out on this one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Obviously, my child, you have stumbled into the realm of the Lord
} Grisbane of Barnii, a very powerful foe.  By aknowledging the presense
} of the black snake, one of Grisbane's many disguises, you allowed the
} doors to be opend to the nether world.  You are now seeing things as
} they are only a veiled world away.  To banish the demons, you must
} optain the subtance renowned for its magickal properties, and known in
} the mortal world as Cheez Wiz.  Spraying this substance upon any
} creature whicvh seems unnatural, say "Oh foul one I damn you to
} eternity in a Mickey Mouse costume at Disney World(tm) that you may
} forever be plagued by whining children and learn your lesson."  This
} will either work or scare the beasts off.  However, try not to mistake
} gouls and orcs for highschool cheerleaders, as they seem similar at
} first.  After study you will find the cheerleaders to be the more
} frightening.
}
}       You owe the oracle a copy of Return of the Living Dead.


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