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Internet Oracularities #638

Goto:
638, 638-01, 638-02, 638-03, 638-04, 638-05, 638-06, 638-07, 638-08, 638-09, 638-10


Usenet Oracularities #638    (101 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 23 Mar 1994 16:24:15 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   638
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

638  101 votes loCf3 2prAb 7FBc4 fiupd dwtj8 7Dwj4 grzh6 62flV hrgub 7dltv
638   3.0 mean  2.6   3.3   2.7   3.0   2.8   2.7   2.7   4.2   2.9   3.6


638-01    (loCf3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh bastion of knowledge, riddle me this:
>    Why is it that Armenians look so comical in full battle dress?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should see them in half battle dress!


638-02    (2prAb dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@gslmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi! I just thought I'd try a null query, but it doesn't seem to work
> very well. Am I doing anything wrong?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The null query is not as easy as it looks.  Usually the only ones who
} can ask it properly are highly trained Zen monks.
}
} It takes many, many years of meditation before you can clear your mind
} completely.  As long as you have any lingering thoughts or questions
} in your head ("Am I doing this right?" "How much longer do I have to
} sit here?" "Will that girl in the lotus position across the room sleep
} with me?") there will be no room for the null query.  For the null
} query, although it takes up no room, must completely fill your mind.
}
} Once you have made your mind Void (or at least (void *)), you will be
} ready to ask the null query.  However, you will then realize that
} you, yourself _are_ the null query.  Very few then have the courage to
} ask the question, for if the answer too is null, what then does
} existence mean?
}
} My advice is not to worry about it.  You should instead ask me if
} that girl in the lotus position across the room wants to sleep with
} you.  You might find the answer surprising (unless, of course, you
} expect the answer to be no).
}
} You owe the Oracle exactly a half-pound of Nothing.


638-03    (7FBc4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@widcat.widener.edu

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Do You know why I can't connect to any internet site?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble supplicant,
} This reason could be for any one of a few reasons:
}
} a) Your computer isn't turned on.
} b) Your computer isn't plugged in to the network.
} c) You're running an operating-system made by Microsoft.
} d) You don't actually have a computer at all, or an account on one, and
}    your appeal came directly into the Oracular mailbox by telepathy.
}
} If you are sure that the reasons above cannot be stopping you from
} connecting, then the only reason for your not being able to connect
} anywhere could be: e) You are on BITNET.
}
} If so, the Oracle can help no further..


638-04    (fiupd dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> money?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} yes, please


638-05    (dwtj8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@ismene.CS.McGill.CA>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does that one pubic hair get eye level with you in the shower?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} None of your damn business!
}
} Honestly, just 'cos I'm an Oracle, people think they can pry freely
} into my private life!
}
} You owe The Oracle a bit of privacy.


638-06    (7Dwj4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise & magnifique (wow, French) Oracle, whose fallen hair I'm not
> worth of using as floss, answer me this one short question:
>
> Why must FORTRAN persist?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh dear.
}
} This is a question that the Oracle had very much hoped would never be
} asked.  Please keep it to yourself, OK?
}
} FORTRAN uses a device called COMMON blocks to save memory in large
} programs.  Well, in the early days of computing, memory was REALLY
} tight. No, even tighter than that.  It was so tight that FORTRAN
} compilers were written to share memory through _enormous_ common blocks
} with other processes.  And then with other computers.  And finally,
} with people. That's right: Everyone is actually timesharing his memory
} with FORTRAN programs all over the world.
}
} But it gets worse.
}
} The address space is full.  No more left.  So, if FORTRAN were to cease
} to exist...
}
} Don't tell anyone, OK?
}
} You owe the Oracle four gigabytes of RAM from your left cerebral
} cortex.


638-07    (grzh6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "C. S. Fungaroli" <csf7m@faraday.clas.virginia.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hey Every one!
>
> I'm asking you a question:
>
> what to you know about DMA controller?
> Can you name me any literature about it?
> answer is wanted !!!
>
> better if you mail to me directly.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Why would you want to control DMA?  Didn't
} "Jurassic Park" teach anyone a lesson?
}
} You owe me a Junior Chemistry Set.


638-08    (62flV dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle,
>
> Since you are at an .edu address, I assume that you had spring
> break some time recently.  So, what did you do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} AVISO: !El prisionero T. Usenet Oracle no se permite recibir
} correo electronico! Usted puede escribirlo a la dirrecion:
}
}               T. Oracle
}               Prisionero no. 42
}               Carcel Municipal de Cancun
}               Cancun, Mexico
}
} Para su informacion, Sr. Oracle esta acusado de los crimenes
} siguientes:
}
}       * Disturbio de la paz
}       * Manejando un automovil sobre la influencia del alcohol
}       * Defecacion publica en la playa
}       * Solicitacion de prostitutas
}       * Vomitando sobre un agente de policia
}       * Indecencia publica con un burro
}       * Imitaciones miserables de Cantinflas
}
} Usted debe al Jefe de la Policia 50,000 pesos para liberar el
} Oraculo...


638-09    (hrgub dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: RICH MCGEE <MCGEE@nic.CSU.net>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, just because you won an Academy Award for "The Piano" doesn't
} mean you can be an Oracle Priest.
}
} You owe the Oracle a VT-100 implementation of sign language.


638-10    (7dltv dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is there anyone that you know of who would be willing to try to
> start an e-mail pen pal relationship?  I am a freshman at
> Lindenwood college in St. Charles, Missouri.  I would just like
> someone to talk to over the wonderful world of the internet.
>
> Please respond if you know anyone willing.  Thank you.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi, the Oracel^H^Hle sent me your message.  I'm Jason Chung from
} the 5th grade in Brightwood Elementray School, Monterey Park
} California, home of the Geniuses!  Brightwood Rules, YEAH!  I
} never talked to a college dude before, do you think E-Mail is
} K00l? I do!  I had a uncle that wnet to Missouri once, he said it
} was too flat and wet.  We have a cabin up at Lake Arrowhed we go
} to in the summer.  So how can you live someplace with no
} mountain? Except here usually so much smog you cant see it
} anyway.  Know what I did in the Earthquake?  Peed in my bed!!!
} (no just jokeing)  So can you help me with Long Division, if I
} send some of my Homework to you?  Anwyay, maybe if youre studying
} Cantonese in college we can trade.  Hey, you know Mike Woo who
} almost won for mayor of los Angeles, his family lives down the
} street from me.  When he visits he says "hay Jason, hows it
} goin?"  Hes cool, too bad he lost.  You ever watch the Power
} Rangers?  We made a Power Ranger game where they all catch Barney
} and beat him up, ha! ah!ha!ha!  Barney is for babies. (Oh, sorry
} if you watch Barney)  So anyway tell me all about colledge, do
} you have lots of girlfieds you smooch with?  Wooh-Wooh!!!! My
} friend Long went in the girls bathroom at school, did you ever do
} that?
}
} Oh I have to go but I forgot to tell you, I shared your e-Mail
} with my whole class so youll have lots of people to write to!!
} (Good Luck with Kuo-Ching, he just moeved here from Taiwan so you
} might think his English is Chinese!  Also watch out for Howard
} hes a queer.  No Eddie made me say that!!!)  So expect LOTS AND
} LOTS of eMail from your freinds at Brightwood!!!!
}
} Your friend,
} Jason


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