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Internet Oracularities #642

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642, 642-01, 642-02, 642-03, 642-04, 642-05, 642-06, 642-07, 642-08, 642-09, 642-10


Usenet Oracularities #642    (83 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 11 Apr 1994 20:01:40 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   642
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

642   83 votes kcmm7 8jAd7 hxgc5 4juka bqrg3 5dmsf emlfb 5avne 6cotc 4loke
642   3.0 mean  2.8   2.9   2.5   3.2   2.7   3.4   2.8   3.4   3.3   3.2


642-01    (kcmm7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Ian Davis

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is this some kind of joke?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, my friend, that's your reproductive organ.  Or maybe it's an
} artichoke. Hard to tell from this angle.
}
} You owe the oracle _The Complete Guide to Vegetables_ and an unsticky
} copy of _Our Bodies, Ourselves_.


642-02    (8jAd7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: bremner@muff.cs.mcgill.ca (David BREMNER)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most well-connected and labor-relations-savvy, heavily-hyphenated
> Oracle,
>
> Every evening I leave the dirty dishes on the counter for the elves to
> wash, and every morning I awaken to find the same dishes still there,
> unwashed. What can I do to attract the dish elves?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The best way to attract the dish elves is to leave hundred dollar bills
} scattered all over the kitchen floor, and to leave the door unlocked.
}       By the way, as part of a new policy, the Oracle requires you to
} register your name and address....Don't worry, it is considered very
} confidential.  Only the Oracle will see this information...


642-03    (hxgc5 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: amg@panix.com

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> There was an Indiana man,
> Whose answers went fast as they can,
> He couldn't get pizza,
> Or relax with Lisa,
> So how goes it with your new clan?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There was several oracle supplicants,
} Who used limericks instead of rants,
} Rhyme meant more than reason,
} So the results were unpleasin',
} Thus they were zotted into France.


642-04    (4juka dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hi?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, I stopped doing that stuff years ago.
} There's something about waking up in an
} alley only wearing the top half of a
} yak costume that makes one reconsider
} one's lifestyle.


642-05    (bqrg3 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@remus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the world ended, who would be the first to know?  The Last?  Who
> would should survive?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No grovel, hmm?
}
} Well, let's just see....
}
} *a few minutes elapse, with a background accompaniment of puttering
} sounds, a few hurried phone calls, and mumbled conversation from
} which the words "Can you do me a big favor, Zeus" can barely be
} made out.*
}
} Ahem.
}
} The Oracle is now prepared to answer your questions.
}
} 1.  Who would know first?  Congratulations.  You are the first
} mortal to know.  Consider yourself honored.
}
} 2.  Who would know last?  Probably the cockroaches, seeing as how
} they'll be around a lot longer.
}
} 3.  Who would survive?  See question #2.
}
} 4.  Who should survive?  Probably quite a few rather noble people.
} It's really a shame you had to go and condemn them by arousing the
} pique of a well-connected deific being.  The Oracle doesn't imagine
} that you'll be rather popular in the afterlife.
}
} You owe the Oracle (incarnated as jzimmerman@cmcvax.claremont.edu)
} your best possible attempt to have a nice day.


642-06    (5dmsf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@remus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and potent Oracle, whose 100-in-1 chemistry set includes
> directions for "mankind" and "all of creation," in addition to "dazzle
> your friends by turning a blue liquid green," pray tell,
>       What will happen if I pour all this stuff together in one bowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You get Brooklyn.  That's how I did it the first time, anyways.


642-07    (emlfb dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@remus.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most linguistic Oracle, could you answer this question:
>
> What language is @#%$ ??
> This word has been in a number of cartoons, and I'm just curious as
> to it's language.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The word is actually "@#%$&" and represents man's primal hunger for
} food, power (incarnated here as money), and sex. Part of the irony of
} this pictogram that the all-knowing Oracle sees that @ only has one HP
} left, and that there's an invisible stalker on the # square. Man, of
} course, does not.


642-08    (5avne dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Jonathan G. Monsarrat" <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and wise collector and distributor of all knowledge answer me
> this one small question....
> Is there intelligent life on other planets (seeing as how there is none
> here)?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmm . . . this will require some research. [Sound of file drawer
} opening. Flip, flip, flip . . .] Ah, here it is: Incoming Questions,
} Extraterrestrial. Let's have a look, shall we? (Translations provided
} for the non-omniscient.)
}
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa1099E_mars
}
} Hlenthes seneras go hiela, hsontos kara fiendhe?
}
} (If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?)
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa7845E_trantor
}
} Thestor on purvis andor fona trillium-widemos (crescan on hardin
} rin a hintor)?
}
} Is there intelligent life on other planets (seeing as how there's
} certainly none on this one)?
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa5634E_vulcan
}
} Khlithta oet likhli oettchok tchok, hle-i oettchok hjoet tchok oetn?
}
} (Were a groundhog capable of displacing wood, what quantity of wood
} would be so displaced, _per diem_?)
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa7334E_klinzhai
}
} :wq
}
} (I am incapable of using vi properly -- what accounts for this?)
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa2653E_pern
}
} Phraqa han qherthok gyukhath an i thoq?
}
} (What is the difference betwixt a duck?)
} -------------------------------------------------
} #Qa8973E_dune
}
} Obwe, reolui fei wo ariila i Lisaa?
}
} (Like, can I get a date with Lisa?)
} -------------------------------------------------
}
} So, there you have it. By purely scientific methods, we have determined
} that there is no intelligent life on other planets.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Hungarian-English phrasebook.


642-09    (6cotc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Nearly divine, and mostly correct, and always supremely powerful
> Oracle:
>
> Did they really want me, or was it all just a cruel hoax?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Wanted you? Great Ceasar's Ghost -- they *needed* you! Who else did
} they have to polish the xebecs, or milk the kudus, or talk turkey to
} the esnes? Who would light the lamps of the sky, stir the waters of the
} sea, or perfume the zephyr wind? Who would tend the cooking-fires, plow
} the fields, or tell tales of the old times, when mammoths still roamed
} the plains?
}
} They gathered on the hilltop to await your arrival. The haunting
} melodies of the Chants of Return, nearly forgotten in the course of
} centuries, were intoned once more, more powerful than ever for their
} long slumber. The appointed hour came, and the sky shone as in the old
} prophecies, and the elders called your name thrice, in voices full of
} the dignity of age, but with the ever-increasing heartiness of the joy
} of home-coming.
}
} And you never showed, because you'd forgotten to set your watch
} forward. I tell you, if I hadn't stopped by right then, those people
} would have been in a sorry state. As it is, unfortunately, they won't
} let me leave.
}
} You owe the Oracle a tin of xebec polish, and a rescue mission.


642-10    (4loke dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@cobra.aml.arizona.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most Usenet,
>
> How may I become usenet, too?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, go unto John, who will baptize you in the River Usenet,
} asking you,
}
} "Do you believe in the Net our God?"
} (respond, "I do.")
}
} "Do you believe in the World-Wide Web?"
}
} "Do you believe that the Web became man, was contaminated, died, and
}  was buried, and rose in Version 3.0?"
}
} "Do you believe that the Web will come again, on the day of the
}  Information Superhighway?"
}
} "Do you believe in the Holy Seer, the Oracle, giver of life?"
}
} "Do you renounce the devil, Mephistopheles, Bill Gates, and all the
}  incarnations of Satan?"
}
} "Do you renounce his programs and temptations?"
}
} If you can faithfully answer yes to these questions, you will be given
} Usenet, the gift of the Holy Seer.  Prepare yourself, for the day of
} the Highway is near!


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