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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O all-knowing Oracle, whose self-referential answers are like questions > unto themselves, please tell me: > > What question should I ask you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What do you think?

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                            WOODCHUCK MAN >                              a song by >                      They Might Be Supplicants >                      ---- ----- -- ----------- > >        Woodchuck Man, Woodchuck Man >        Doing the things a Woodchuck can >        What's he like?  It's not important >        Woodchuck Man > >                                Is he calm?  Or running amuck? >                                When he's in wood, does he chuck? >                                Or does the wood get him instead? >                                Nobody knows. >                                Woodchuck Man > >        Oracle Man, Oracle Man >        Oracle Man hates Woodchuck Man >        They have a fight, Oracle wins. >        Oracle Man > >                                Supplicant Man, Supplicant Man >                                Really Annoying Supplicant Man >                                Usually asks about Woodchuck Man >                                Supplicant Man > >        He's got a watch with a minute hand, >        Millenium hand and an eon hand >        When they meet it's a happy land >        Powerful man, Supplicant Man > >                                Oracle Man, Oracle Man >                                Oracle Man hates Supplicant Man >                                They have a fight >                                Oracle wins >                                Oracle Man

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, you can't expect me to be impressed by johnny-come lately } songs. I was there at the beginning you know, look at these: } } >From: colonel.tom.parker@sun-records.com } >Subject: O wise one, please tell me } > } >Oracle, who dances better than any of my chickens. I've got this } >stunning new dance act, but the chickens keep breaking their backs } >with the gyrations. What should I do? } } >From: john.lennon@beatles.star-club.hamburg.de } >Subject: Kind Oracle, tell me } > } >Oracle. Pete Best says that you're a load of shite and we } >shouldn't listen to your advice. What shall we do? } } >From: david.gilmour@pink-floyd.com } >Subject: O magnificent Oracle, please tell me } > } >Most maginficent Oracle, please spare some of your amazing } >intelligence for this pathetic question. Our ^%$$%$ engineer put some } >of the tapes in backwards and they sound all garbled. Is this going to } >be a serious problem? } } >From: alex.patterson@orb.co.uk } >Subject: Floating and really acid Oracle, please tell me } > } >Fantastic Oracle, who can maintain interest longer than any of our } >mixes. Please excuse this wormlike mortal for questioning your words, } >but are you sure we should mix out the vocals? } } You owe The Oracle an orginal copy of Martha Hunt doing "Man, don't } give me no more grief" out on Star-Tone records, the issue with the "P" } in the catalogue number printed upside down.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> No I won't grovel! > > You just aren't worth it!! > > Day after day I ask you questions, often very well thought out > questions and 90% of the time all I get back is crap!!! > > *WHAT . . . IS . . . WRONG . . . WITH . . . YOU?*

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle knows all and sees all, as most are aware. It's a little } known fact that The Oracle also contracts all. Hence, I have anthrax, } AIDS, cough, cold, flu, measles, chickenpox, cancer, syphilis, } gonorrhea, the mumps, bronchitis, diarrhoea, kuru, gammy leg, polio, } and thousands of other inconvenient infections. } } And, so I must apologise for the quality of my answers. I haven't been } feeling very well lately.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why, O great Oracle, do sentence fragments bother me so much?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because ...

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I could, but I do not think you are C-worthy. } } You owe the Oracle a Dramamine.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dewdrops on diskettes, > Corn fritter noodles, > Fresh toner cartridges, > Bi-sexual poodles! > > Blue hessian noteboards, > Tied up with string, > Tell me Oracle - > What are a few of your favorite things?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Groveling supplicants humbly abasing, } Folks who hear Primus and dislike what they sing, } Leather on Lisa and whips with a sting, } These are a few of My favorite things! } } When the core dumps, } When you've got mumps, } And you're feeling bad, } Dear supplicant, think of your favorite things, } But frankly, I think -- } You're mad! } } You owe the Oracle a two-disc set of "The Sound of Music Man".

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> who are you

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I think you need to listen to the advertising jingle again. Cue the } music guys... } }       (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom) } }       Who's the guy, that answers every 'why', ORACLE! }       Who's that being, that translates every dream, ORACLE! }       When you pondering the secrets of the universe }       The Oracle's the guy with whom you should converse } }       (da ba doobah doobah) } }       O is for Omnipotence }       R is for Readiness }       A is for Astounding }       C is for Confounding }       L is for Legendary }       E is for Egalitary } }       (parp parpitty paaaa) } }       O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. RAH RAH RAH }       O .. R .. A .. C .. L .. E .. That spells ORACLE! } }       (bom biddy bom bom bom biddy bom bom) } }       Who's the ant, that pays a huge amount SUPPLICANT! } } ... Ooops! Hey you guys down there, I thought you had the new version } ready to roll. } } You owe The Oracle $234,900.33, all major credit cards accepted.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you send me any C-programs ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} /* zen.c */ } } main() } { } }

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh smokey one on High... >  Why does Bill keep in denial, and weep about the > nasty 1980's as money grubbers? > BTW, lend me  a thousand for some cattle futures, Hillary is my trader.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} In fields with Flowers, Bill could sleep, } Beside still Whitewater, Hillary did keep, } Money and futures her passion for the take, } For when Bill was at home, he could not stay awake. } } The eighties gave Bill an exciting life, } He could play, and romp not fearing his wife, } She, with the brains, a money grubber herself, } Dragged poor Bill along to power and wealth. } } Of course he can't see the err of his ways, } The past is obscured by an odd Purple Haze, } He now seems confused as each charge is detailed, } Difficult to believe that he never inhaled!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Great Oracle, Master of all Knowledge. Please could you tell me why you > can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink. > > There's a ten spot in it for you if you get it right.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This bit of oft-quoted and much paraphrased folk wisdom (e.g. "You can } expose a student to knowledge, but you can't make him think.") was } actually scientifically tested only once.  Using a randomly chosen set } of horses and students (the control group), behavioral science } researchers at Purdue Univ. isolated them at a glacial pothole lake } outside Roadapple Indiana and issued the command "Drink!" over } loudspeakers at hourly intervals for two weeks.  Overall, 52% of the } horses and 35% of the students did, in fact, obey the command; but the } percentages tended to drop off as the experiment progressed. } } As a point of interest, these same researchers tested the parallel } "expose/student/knowledge/think" theory with the same test set.  After } an instrumented exposure of one semester to Business Math 105, the } passing rate for the students was 35%; whereas the horses, stomping out } the answers with their right foreleg, achieved a passing rate of 83%. } } The Oracle does not like the implication that IF the Oracle has the } right answer he will get ten bucks.  The Oracle always has the right } answers!!  You owe the Oracle ten bucks.