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} Fear not, humble supplicant! Your future is assured, in fact, here's a
} rundown of significant events in your life yet to happen (some names
} changed to protect the guilty):
}
} September, 1994: After months of pubescent angst (and long hours in
} the bathroom), Supplicant X. writes to The Usenet O. to ask what he
} should do.
}
} January, 1995: Thanks to success of "My So-Called Life" the angstful
} keep-away-from-me-or-I'll-be-moody-at-you look catches on among aimless
} youth worldwide. Supplicant X. realizes that he is now just like
} everybody else (except much better at it thanks to his head start) and
} gets laid by a girl who changed her name to Apathy after handing in her
} resignation from the "whole human race thing".
}
} February, 1995: The Usenet O., meeting Apathy at a rave in Memphis,
} comments on Supplicant X.'s transformation. Apathy, however, doesn't
} care, and tries to get O. in the sack. O., not having been affected by
} the truly astronomical quantities of drugs floating around, decides
} against it.
}
} Later that same night: The Usenet O. meets Supplicant X., who is being
} courted by record executives, despite the fact that X. cannot sing and
} in fact has never done anything musical in his life. Quote: "We need a
} new enigma; Cobain shot himself, Vedder's getting almost
} comprehensible, we think that X. could be the one!"
}
} October, 1995: _A Sad And Lonely Boy_ (S. Music, 43mins.) skyrockets
} to the top of the charts on the basis of X.'s refusal to do interviews,
} appear in public, or even perform for any kind of audience whatsoever.
} _Rolling Stone_ raves and compares X. to Jim Morrison. _Spin_ raves
} and compares him to Kurt Cobain. _Better Homes & Gardens_ runs an
} article on greener, lusher rose bushes.
}
} November, 1995: Dirty rumors about Supplicant X. thinking "Hey, people
} like me, maybe I'm not such a bad person after all" are hotly denied by
} top officials at S. Music, who fear losing their latest gold mine - uh,
} voice of a generation.
}
} December, 1995: Supplicant X. dies in bed with five women, all of them
} named Apathy, while under the influence of way too much Prozac.
}
} And thus, Supplicant X., though your future may be short, it will have
} someone for you, and her name is Apathy.
}
} You owe O. a flannel shirt.
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