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24 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:00:18 GMT

Internet Oracularities #70

Goto:
70, 70-01, 70-02, 70-03, 70-04, 70-05, 70-06, 70-07, 70-08, 70-09, 70-10


Usenet Oracularities #70
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 30 Nov 89 22:30:32 GMT

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70-01
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is a Nietzschean Ubermenschen?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   He is just like the superman in the comic books, except instead of
} fighting Lex Luthor he fights God, and instead of avoiding Kryptonite,
} he should avoid sex.


70-02
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If the Oracle (with the "oral"-like prefix) says all, is there...
>
> ... an Opticle that sees all?
> ... an Audicle that hears all?
> ... an Olfactoracle that smells all?
> ... a Tacticle that feels all?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  And there is also a Testicle which....Oh, never mind!


70-03
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Back in the good old days, before even Fortran was invented, Oracular
> answers tended to be very ambiguous and difficult to interpret.  The
> Delphic Oracle had a large staff of priests just to interpret its
> answers.
>
> Your answers, however, are very clear and explicit.  Why are you
> different from all other Oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Seven is the number, then: seven starlings,
}   Seven ghosts adrift in the moonlight waters,
}   Seven trees with sleep in their branches,
}   Seven tongs as swift as fire,
}   Seven lines of seven stones,
}   Seven VAXen.
} Swift and sure they are, but noontime fire shall not hasten them.
} Cold and cruel they are, but water-of-ice shall not warm them.
} Solid as a rock they are, but the ground shall not support them.
}   They dance in the sky at dawntime.
} Seven again: seven loaves they take for food,
}   Seven times the Squid of Death passes them at night,
}   Seven feet above the earth,
}   Seven fathoms below the sea,
}   Seven lemurs.
} When the ghosts of wind come swirling around us,
}   Ghosts of wind past
}   Ghosts of wind present
}   Ghosts of wind future
}   Ghosts of wind which never will be
} What can we do but answer them?


70-04
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What are the words to the "official" Indiana University anti-fight song?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} OK, here it is.  I don't understand why I.U.  keeps singing about the
} ocean though.  It's kind of far away from the ocean.
}
} Indiana University!  Queen of the Waves!
}   I-U!  It's OK!
} Indiana University!  Ruler of all she surveys!
}   I-U!  It's Allright!
} Indiana University!  Mistress of the Vasty Blue!
}   I-U!  It's OK!
} Indiana University!  Dutchess of the Seven Seas!
}   I-U!  It's Nifty!
} Indiana University!  Lord High Chamberlady of the Wide Oceans!
}   I-U!  It's Mega-OK!
} Indiana University!  Executive Vice President In Charge of Marketing
}                      for the Waterways!
}   I-U!  It's Cosmically Find and Dandy!
} Indiana University!  Highly Connected New York Lawyer for the Sargasso
}                      Sea!
}   I-U!  Like, Wow!
}
}
} Oh, we fight fight fight
}   for ol' IU tonight,
} Oh, let's keep that flame alight
}   And let's give them no respite,
} Let's keep them all uptight!
}   It's OK 'cause we're allright!
} Let's kick them to such a height
}   that they fly right out of sight!
} They'll go higher than a kite!
}   None shall save them from their plight!
} We'll whump them when it's light!
}   We'll  whump them when it's night!
} Let's make our plays so recondite
}   they'll look like a hellgrammite!
} Oh, let's kick and bash and bite,
}   And thump and whack and smite,
} and trash with all our might
}   for our mascot Troglodyte!
} We don't do it out of spite,
}   We just do it 'cause we're tight!
}
} Indiana University!  Queen of the Ocean!  Yay!!!!!!!!


70-05
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me, a humble mortal, O Mighty Oracle
> What happens if you accidentally mail off a half finished answer to one
> of us?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, this problem has never occured before, the results would be
} terrible, famine would break loose on all the lands, Dan Quayle would
} become president, and worst of all you would be inflicted with a
} terrible


70-06
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle:
> What's going on between Tom Bombadil and Goldberry?  The guy seems...er,
> you know...  How about her?  Can you clarify that chapter, please?  Oh,
> and Frodo?  She was to...enthusiastic about this little fellow.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The trouble with the prudish Englishman Tolkien is that he left out the
} *really* interesting parts of his tales.  In many cases you can read
} between the lines, but in other cases you'll have to turn to the
} All-knowing Oracle to get the details.  OK, here we go:
}
} Tom Bombadil and Goldberry had had a very long and happy relationship,
} mainly because of they both realizing that her sexual needs couldn't be
} satisfied by old Tom, who, though still strong, was entering his dotage.
} As is (actually) obvious from the book, Tom was more interested in
} watching young hobbits run around naked in the grass, anyway, so he
} didn't mind Goldberry'slittle adventures with various dwarves,
} woodcutters and vagrant wizards, as long as they were kept on a purely
} physical level.
}
} Tolkien does mention that Frodo fell in love with Goldberry's beuaty.
} What he doesn't mention is how much of the attraction resulted from the
} sight of her naked body under her semi-transparent dress (the use of
} underwear hadn't spread to those remote areas yet), and that Goldberry
} returned Frodo's compliments by repeated visits to his bedroom that
} night.  The real reason for Frodo's staying two nights at Tom's house is
} of course readily apparent, given that background.
}
} Tolkien's books give many subjects to speculate about, such as "How did
} Saruman really breed his half-orc warriors?" and "What did *really*
} happen between Bilbo and Gollum when Bilbo got the Ring?".  Tolkien
} writes about guessing riddles, but, as you know, he's not entirely to be
} trusted.
}
} You owe the Oracle an explanation of why the Wizard of Oz was so nice to
} little girls.


70-07
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, Oh Wisest of the wise:
>
> Why must we use contraception, instead of just having toggle switches on
> our butts?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because if a woman sat down on a man's lap the wrong way she could
} accidently reset her toggle switches, and we all know what would happen
} then.


70-08
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why don't you go to hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle travels far and wide, both through space and time, and has
} often visited Hell.  It is situated in the centre of a great, smokey
} plain, surrounded by forbidding mountains.  During the Oracle's travels,
} the Oracle is often asked to answer questions of the various inhabitants
} in these far-off regions.  The Oracle expects payment, of course, and
} the inhabitants usually compensate the Oracle with sumptuous
} accomodations and overindulgent hospitality.  As you might expect, the
} Oracle has grown to prefer the rewards of some areas over those of
} others, and Hell is one of those favored areas, thanks to the excellent
} chili platters served in their finest restaurants.  However, as part of
} the tortures administered to many of the Hell residents, large computer
} software development efforts are under way at the moment, and at the
} Oracle's last visit many questions were fielded about programming laser
} equipped satellites in COBOL, apparently the only computer language ever
} used in Hell.  This upset the Oracle's digestion greatly, ruining
} several day's feasting on chili platters, and so the Oracle does not
} expect to visit Hell again anytime soon.
}
} You owe the Oracle a pitchfork and a copy of Dante's "Inferno" published
} on punched cards (Hollerith coding).


70-09
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Somebody sent me a present yesterday.  It was a hole that came from the
> Berlin Wall.  What should I do with the hole ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, find someone who has a piece of the Berlin Wall.  *Then*, take
} the hole and put that and the Wall piece together.  Congratulations,
} you've just maintained the space-time continueum...


70-10
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great sagacious one,
>
>                  W
>                 h
>                  y
>                   ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}             W
}              h
}             y
}
}            n
}             o
}              t
}             ?
}
} You owe the Oracle a randomized TAB function.


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