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Internet Oracularities #733

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Usenet Oracularities #733    (121 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 15 May 1995 12:59:24 -0500

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   733
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

733  121 votes hpEta 99ct* pLwc5 ccvEq 3jGEh kwEef 9emxH 7kBDi EIq74 8kIxg
733   3.1 mean  2.9   4.0   2.4   3.5   3.4   2.8   3.7   3.3   2.1   3.2


733-01    (hpEta dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: m-atkinson@nwu.edu (Michael A. Atkinson)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sorry, I'm going to have to side with your mother on that one. You can
} have your keyboard back when you finish paying for the broken window.


733-02    (99ct* dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>      O great Oracle, the one who sees all and knows all, please accept
>      this humble question from thy grovelling supplicant...
>
>      Why is Windows 95 Beta so bug-ridden it's not funny?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} THE SCENE:  A dark antechamber of the Gates estate, dimly lit by three
} 20" monitors suspended from the ceiling.  In the middle of the room is
} a Pentium/100Hz, sheathed in a black casing.  Three programmers dance
} around the machine, chanting horribly.  Their pale, clammy complexion
} is cast hideously by the light of the monitors, rendered even more
} repugnant to the watchful eye bye the 60Hz flicker of the monitors.
}
} FIRST PROGRAMMER:  Thrice the brinded net hath mewed.
}
} SECOND PROGRAMMER:  Thrice, and once the Warp-pig whined.
}
} THIRD PROGRAMMER:  MacHarpier cries.  'Tis time, 'tis time!
}
} FIRST:  Round about the terminal go;
}         In the poisoned upgrade throw.
}         Code, which by a student done
}         In minutes numbering sixty-one.
}         Run-time error, protection fault,
}         Crash ye first, crash ye shalt.
}
} ALL [as they dance around the Pentium]:
}       Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} SECOND: Fillet of a Sound Card bake,
}         In the Pentium no sound make;
}         Point of arrow, click of mouse,
}         Scream of user, frightened spouse,
}         OS/2's net use appeal,
}         Steve Jobs' look and Wozniak's feel.
}         For a charm of powerful trouble,
}         Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
}
} ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Tempers burn and data bubble.
}
} THIRD: Click "Start" button, speed of slug,
}        You would think you forgot the plug.
}        Multitasking, ha ha ho
}        If just one worked you'd be good to go.
}        This should grab those straggling few
}        Who aren't using DOS 6.22.
}        Now we shall the Mac eclipse,
}        While curse words cross our users' lips.
}        Leave the errors in so we can fix
}        And sell more...Windows 96!
}        And so we will release the Beta
}        For corruption of their data.
}
} ALL:  Double, double, toil and trouble;
}       Users buy, our profits double.
}
} SECOND: Compile it with errors through,
}         Since the users have no clue.
}
} [Enter BillGate to the other three programmers.]
}
} BillGate:  O, well done!  I commend your pains,
}            And everyone shall share i' the gains.
}            And now about the program get,
}            But NEVER use it on OUR net.
}            Security is scarce put in.
}                               [Beeps of PONG heard in the background.]
}                               [Exit BillGate.]
}
} SECOND WITCH:  By the usage of my UMBs
}                Wicked Windows this way comes.
}                Open locks,
}                Whoever knocks!
}
} [Fade to black.]
}
} Remember, Obsolescence isn't an accident, it's an art form.
}
} You owe the Oracle a signed, handwritten manuscript of MacBeth, and a
} copy of the Windows upgrade for the P6.


733-03    (pLwc5 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great Oracle, whose sense of humor knows no bounds, who knows the
> punchline to every one-liner ever written...
>
> What is the real reason Maddi Hausman is leaving rec.humor.funny?  Will
> that newsgroup ever be the same without her as the moderator?  Would
> you consider taking over that job?
>
> Your excessively worried supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The comings and going of the *lesser* newgroups are of no consequence
} to me.  I cannot understand why they would be of consequence to anyone
} else.  There is only ONE newgroup and ONE moderator of consequence.
} Here's looking at me kid.
}
} You owe the Oracle an apology for fooling around.


733-04    (ccvEq dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oracle: Dammit, still nothing.  Loki, are you *sure* you got
} real virgin's blood?  I mean, they're so rare these days...
}
} Loki: YES, I got real virgin's blood.  I've done this before,
} you know.
}
} [A pentagram is inscribed on the floor, with a black candle
} burning with an eerie black flame at each vertex.  Just outside
} the pentagram, by the candles, stand The Oracle, Loki, Anubis,
} Shiva, and Baal.  Various animal parts, bodily fluids, and
} other unmentionables are scattered around the pentagram.]
}
} Oracle: But you remember the rules: it has to be a virgin who
} had the opportunity to not be a virgin, i.e. no young children
} or computer geeks.
}
} Loki: YES, I KNOW THE RULES!
}
} Baal: Well, we must be doing something wrong.  Are you sure that's
} a *raven's* skull, Anubis?  Looks a bit small to me.  More like a
} magpie's.
}
} Shiva: Yeah, he's the new one here.  A-newbie!  Ha ha ha ha!
}
} Oracle: Stop fighting everyone!  We have to get this right.
} I mean, look.  The Big Guy goes on a three-year vacation and leaves
} us in charge.  And what happens?  Clinton's the president.  Newt's
} the speaker.  I mean, we already screwed things up pretty bad.
} But now this.
}
} Anubis: California.
}
} Oracle: Yes.  According to the "Disaster of the Month Club"
} California is supposed to get a new disaster every month.  We
} started out OK--earthquake, fires, floods.  But now we can't
} conjure up a simple minor demon to torment California.
}
} Loki: Hey!  Aren't you the Usenet Oracle?
}
} Oracle: Yes.  You owe the Oracle your point, and a better
} grovel than "Hey!"
}
} Shiva: Aw, come on.  Grovelling is fine for your mortal
} supplicants, but we're all equal here, right?
}
} Oracle: I think that question is best answered by demonstration.
} I notice your question lacks a grovel entirely.
}
} [The black flame on the candle in front of Shiva begins to
} grow larger, darkening the entire room.  When Shiva realizes
} what is happening, he starts to fight back.  For an instant
} the flame grows a bit smaller, but then it leaps up and
} engulfs Shiva.  After a few seconds and an almost inaudible
} "zot," the flame returns to its normal size.  Nothing is
} left where Shiva stood.]
}
} Loki: Oh well.  He was always a little too tame for me,
} anyway.  My point was, if you're the Usenet Oracle...I
} mean, oh magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom outshines the
} twenty-four sages of Bombay, if you're the Usenet Oracle,
} doesn't that mean you're omniscient?
}
} Oracle: Yes.  You owe the Oracle a medium pepperoni pizza.
} (The Oracle is getting hungry.)
}
} Loki: So, oh exceptional Oracle, who can quote lines from
} every episode of all four Star Trek series, don't you
} *know* why this summoning isn't working?
}
} Oracle: Yes.  You owe the Oracle genetic analysis of
} the bird skull to determine whether it really is a raven
} or not.
}
} Loki: And so, most-taxing-to-my-patience Oracle, WHY DON'T YOU
} TELL US WHY IT ISN'T WORKING!
}
} Oracle: BECAUSE NONE OF YOU IDIOTS ASKED ME!  You're such an
} expert on "the rules," you should know I can't impart my
} wisdom unless someone asks!  You owe the Oracle your next question!
}
} Loki: Why isn't the summoning working?
}
} Oracle: It took you long enough to ask that!  Since I was
} waiting so long, I'll ignore the lack of a grovel.  The
} summoning isn't working because we're missing the wisdom
} tooth of a warlock.  It needs to go at the third vertex,
} next to the scarab of a Pharaoh who was poisoned by his
} daughter-in-law.  You owe the Oracle--get this--the wisdom
} tooth of a warlock.
}
} And *you* owe the Oracle a god to replace Shiva.  One who
} doesn't make bad puns on "Anubis."


733-05    (3jGEh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> oh oracle wise and wonderful please tell me why does the grass
> grow?????????????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Grass was created by God as a tool to guarantee the continued
} existence of man by giving men ammunition in arguments with
} their female counterparts.  Consider the following dialogue in
} the current grass growing world:
}
} Female: (Hands on hips) You never do anything to help around
}   here!  I am sick and tired of your lazy a**!  You're about as
}   useless as a woodchuck.
}
} Male: (Sitting on sofa, using a tone of voice one would expect
}   from someone who was boasting of having carnal knowledge of
}   a supermodel) Oh, YEAH? Well I have to mow the lawn every
}   week!
}
} Female:  Oh like that is doing anything! Big deal! (Continue ad
}   nauseaum)
}
} Now, humble supplicant, consider the same argument in a world
} where grass didn't grow.
}
} Female: (Hands on hips) You never do anything to help around
}   here!  I am sick and tired of your lazy a**!  You're about as
}   useless as a woodchuck.
}
} Male: (Expression of deer staring into headlights) Uhhhhh...
}
} (Female grabs scissors)
}
} It: Ouch.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of Weed-N-Feed.


733-06    (kwEef dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo, doo doo doo, doo doo, doo
> doo doo, doo doo, louie louie, oh,oh oh oh me gotta go. yeah, yeah,
> yeah, yeah yeah yeah. louie louie, oh, no, oh oh, me gotta go. doo doo
> yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Meow meow meow meow,
} meow meow meow meow,
} meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow.
}
} MEOW meow meow meow,
} MEOW meow meow meow,
} meow meow meow meow MEOW meow meow meow
}
} That's right - cats love Meow Mix with the great taste
} of chicken guts and tuna - and you are a DUMMY for
} submitting such stuff to the Oracle! What, are you
} so BORED that you have nothing better to do but sit and
} call the Oracle and just type gibberish into the machine?
} Those aren't even SONG lyrics, for cryinoutloud!! Where's
} the "Wop Bop-a-loo-bob A-wop-bam-boo" that the Oracle was
} waiting for?  And a vague request to "let you go????"  All
} Right!  You're let go!  Go away!  Begone!  Hence!  The Oracle
} doesn't want to keep you, or even touch you.  Out!  Take
} your people and go!
}
} Any further such malfeasance on your part, highly insulting
} to the dignity of the Oracle, will merit not only punishment
} to the full extent of the law, but also the CURSE of the Oracle.
} And buddy, you don't want to get the curse of the Oracle anywhere
} near you, because it'll sting your butt worse than a Philadelphia
} lawyer.  Your armpits will swell up like melons.  Certain parts
} of your body, best not described in a family publication,
} will start to look noticeably like cheese.  Your ugly, heretical
} tongue will get so big that the top of your head will pop
} off like a broken Pez container.  And the woodchucks; man, you
} don't even want to *hear* about the woodchucks.
}
} You owe the Oracle about nine hundred times more money than
} there is in the world.  The Oracle has spoken.


733-07    (9emxH dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How does sand clap?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, no, my son, you misunderstood the story.  Listen again:
}
} Many years ago, a young farm boy named Wong from the provice of
} Szechuan decided to seek enlightenment as a Zen master.  When he
} learned that the wisest teachers of Zen were to be found in a school
} outside Kyoto, he set out on foot for Japan with only his walking
} staff and his dog.
}
} After many days of walking and sea passage purchased with all the
} money he had, he reached Kyoto, and in a mixture of broken Japanese
} and sign language was directed to the monastery.
}
} The monks agreed to take him as a postulant, but insisted that his
} dog was not allowed.  But after Wong cogently argued that his dog,
} too, had the Buddha nature, it was permitted to join its master.
}
} One day when the dog was roaming in the nearby woods, it discovered
} a horde of tasty mushrooms, which it promptly devoured.  Little did
} it know that this was a rare species of bioluminescent fungus.
}
} That night, all the monks were gathered for meditation in the courtyard
} when they noticed Wong's dog squatting and howling in pain.  As they
} stared aghast, they saw it depositing a monstrous lump of glowing
} fecal material.
}
} "Aiee!!" said the monks.  "What is the hound of Wong-san crapping?!!"
}
} And Wong was immediately enlightened.


733-08    (7kBDi dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark McCafferty <markm@tenmail.mincom.oz.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, most wise and sapient, your humble servant entreats you to
> impart knowledge (we call it "skills transfer") regarding the following
> question:
>
> I have noticed that whenever a machine is not working properly or is
> otherwise non-functional, someone usually says that it is "out of
> whack." What is this "whack" and how can we be assured of a better
> supply of this obviously necessary item?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is an eternal spring of whack at the center of the universe.
} That is where all functionality originates.  Problems can arise when
} there is either a) a blockage in the whackquaduct or b) when the guy
} gets whack mixed up with order.  The same machine cannot, by the laws
} of physics, function on both whack and order.  Likewise, if you see a
} sign that says "Out of Order" it probably means that the machine is
} overfilled with whack.


733-09    (EIq74 dist, 2.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <chaos@zammis.cas.nwu.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How much wool could Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck
> wool?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} About 17 bales over a 19 foot height until his arms got tired.


733-10    (8kIxg dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>  Where did they go?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1) Young girls picked them, every one.
}
} 2) An asteroid fell from the sky, throwing up a huge cloud of vapour
} and dust which blocked out the sun.
}
} 3) They were replaced by cd's, which had better sound quality.
}
} 4) An uncharted desert isle, for fifteen years (the tour was originally
} only supposed to last three hours).
}
} 5) Taken husbands, every one.
}
} 6) The Delta quadrant.
}
} 7) They were replaced by push-button phones, which were more
} convenient.
}
} 8) Plymouth, Massachusetts (though they had been aiming for Virginia).
}
} 9) West, young man. (And they did indeed grow with the country.)
}
} 10) Canaan (but it took them forty years to make it there).


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