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Internet Oracularities #742

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742, 742-01, 742-02, 742-03, 742-04, 742-05, 742-06, 742-07, 742-08, 742-09, 742-10


Usenet Oracularities #742    (103 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 5 Jun 1995 15:05:07 -0500

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   742
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

742  103 votes 9Anpa 6uCn6 3ovtg 2mAxa cCF84 4fqBl 14hrS 76wEi 9rrmi 3szqb
742   3.3 mean  2.9   2.9   3.3   3.3   2.6   3.5   4.3   3.5   3.1   3.1


742-01    (9Anpa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh groovy Oracle, who are so wise in the ways of science, who some
> call "Tim", please answer this outstanding average question:
>
> This is a little embarassing, but my wife and I are having problems...
> er, you know... doing the... um, well, you know... doing IT (the big
> IT)... well, you know... sex.  Everything is fine between us, and there
> are no medical problems, and everything and everyone are functioning
> according to specifications.
>
> It's our cats.  They just sit there and stare at us while we're... ah,
> you know... "exercising".  Sometimes they even jump up on the bed and
> just lay down and watch.  It's more than either of us can stand.
>
> We've tried locking them out of the bedroom, but they just scratch at
> the door and meow real loud, which also ruins it.  And we can't get rid
> of the cats... their like our children.
>
> What should we do???
>
> (Oh, and my wife wants to hear Lisa's input on this as well, if
> possible)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} First, that grovel was average and I am NOT referred to as Tim.  I am
} occassionally called Orrie, but only by my closest friends, one of
} which you are not.
}
} Anyway, about your question.  I honestly believe your question belongs
} in alt.sex.bestiality. There are pleanty of Zoophiles there that are
} very experienced with such matters.  Since you didn't tell me the sex
} of your cats, it's is difficult to give you the proper solution, but
} you really have plenty.
}
}       1)  Have them join in.  That soft, warm kitty fur can be
}  stimulating. Not to mention the tickling factors of their tails.
}
}       2)  Get your cat some partners and watch them engage in their
} personal business so they know what it feel like.
}
}       3)  Get a dog.  The dog can chase the cats while you and your
} wife play.
}
}       4)  Go to a hotel.  Sure, it can be expensive, but the privacy is
} worth it.
}
}       5)  Run the shower or flush the toilet a lot to keep out their
} caterwailing.
}
}       6)  Put the cats outside or in the garage.
}
} As far as Lisa's opinion's, I am offended that your wife would be
} interested in the thoughts of mortal being.  I AM OMNIPOTENT, Lisa is
} simply the object of my concupiscence and does not answer questions
} (unless of course she tells me she is going to).
}
} You owe me a National Geographic Video.


742-02    (6uCn6 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, please tell me:  Is the job I'm interviewing for
> on Monday the right job for me?  It's my second interview for the job.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I can assure you that this is indeed the right job for you. Being the
} reigning monarch of the United Kingdom (and Lord of the Isle of Man)
} may sound like a daunting responsibility, but I have every confidence
} that you can do the job. Moreover, the pay is good, they have an
} excellent dental plan, and there is no position you can hold that has
} better job security.
}
} However, bear in mind that you are by no means assured of getting the
} job. Rumors of nepotism abound, and a lot of people are saying that
} when the position becomes open, the boss's son is a shoo-in for it. So,
} while I don't mean to put a lot of pressure on you, that second
} interview had better be pretty darn impressive.
}
} You owe the Oracle a lifetime peerage.


742-03    (3ovtg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most wise Oracle, whose words are 256-bits long, whose interrupts
> never happen at innoportune moments, and who can write C++ code using
> exceptions and templates and get it right the first time, will you
> please grant me an answer to this simple question?
>
> Stanford... or Silicon Graphics?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Sheesh. Look -- if you eighth-century Anglo-Saxons can't figure out
} what to name your villages, you should stop founding them.
}
} *Sigh*. Okay, let's look at your situation. At your proposed site,
} you've got a nice shallow place for cattle to cross the river, and an
} old Roman mile-stone with a few carved letters still visible on it.
} Now, given the importance of the first feature, the most sensible name
} would be "Oxford", but that's already taken. So the two options you've
} come up with are:
}
}      1) Name the village after both the stone and the ford, and call it
}         "Stanford", or
}
}      2) Name it after just the carved stone, and call it "Silicon
}         Graphics".
}
} Of these, the former is by far the better choice. "Stanford" is a good,
} solid, Anglo-Saxon compound word, and is even kind of catchy. "Silicon
} Graphics", on the other hand, is a full five syllables, is not
} particularly euphonious, and consists of one word in Latin (which no
} one in Britain except a few monks can understand) and one word in Greek
} (which no one at all in Britain will be able to understand until the
} Renaissance, which isn't for another eight hundred years). Stick with
} "Stanford".
}
} You owe the Oracle a videotape of _Bridge Over the River Cam_.


742-04    (2mAxa dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: CSF <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, whose biceps are so powerful they could make the Earth
> run in reverse,
> What are the Seven Signs of the Apocalypse?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1. "Exit 27A/4th-5th Sts./1 Mile"
}
} 2. "Rest Area/Next Right/Next Rest Area 47 Miles"
}
} 3. "Food-Gas-Lodging-Diesel/Next Right"
}
} 4. "Speed Limit 65/Trucks Trailers 60"
}
} 5. "Downtown/Convention Center/Next 2 Exits"
}
} 6. "McDonald's/Playland/Buses, RV's Welcome/Exit 30, 3 Miles"
}
} 7. "Holiday Inn/Pool/Cable/HBO/ESPN/11 Miles"
}
} Arrrrrgh!  That's the wrong database!  I have the Interstate Highway
} System loaded into my Seven Signs Of... program.  I really need to get
} these disks labeled.  Let's see what this one is...
}
} 1. One finger: Fastball
}
} 2. Two fingers: Curve
}
} That's wrong too...that's the Baseball database!  Listen, it's going to
} take me a while to get this straightened out...would you mind asking
} again tomorrow?
}
} You owe the Oracle some disk labels.


742-05    (cCF84 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Abandon hope all ye who press ENTER here.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Joe Lanklin, an 8th-level trogdolyte programmer/sysadmin, sighs wearily
} in the dark underground of the basement as he slouches back down before
} his terminal.
}
} He has been struggling alone for days now, in volutary isolation from
} friends and family. Joe thought that his great project would be easy,
} but things have been going so very, very wrong.
}
} You see, Joe is trying to install an experimental compiler for a new
} dynamic language, one which was prophesied to alleviate the many great
} problems facing his people--memory leaks,  incomprehensible syntax,
} poorly-defined grammers, long recompilations, and other such plagues.
}
} Unfortunately for Joe, he has just recently discovered that the path to
} enlightenment is not so easy, not by a long shot. The runtime libraries
} are buggy, and it will take many long, involved incantations before the
} shinning creation is available to relieve the suffering of his people.
}
} Joe taps a revised function prototype into the listener, and presses
} ENTER.
}
} You owe the Oracle a cola machine which accepts rumpled dollar bills.


742-06    (4fqBl dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle, unscrambler of scrambles, unpuzzler of puzzles,
> unconfuser of confusions, and corrector of supplicant's bad grammar
> (when you see fit), please answer me this:
>
> Two wrongs don't make a right, yet three rights make a left, three
> lefts make a right, and four of either make a circle.  How many, for
> example, lefts make a wrong?  Please 'unconfuse' this for me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The story is told of the Catholic priest who was in the habit of
} removing a couple of pieces of his jewelry before Mass.  One of the
} acolytes noticed this one day and asked him about it.  "Two rings
} don't make a rite," he said.
}
} That said, it looks like what you need is the Canonical Table of Lefts,
} Rights, and Wrongs.
}
} ========================================================================
} ... MAKE A ...                       COMMENTS
} ========================================================================
} 2 lefts make a U-Turn                Except where "NO U TURN" is posted.
} 1 right and 1 left make a left       Valid at rural New Jersey
}                                         intersections only
} 3 rights make a left
} 3 lefts make a right
} 4 wrongs make machine answer phone   2 when set to "toll saver"
} 4 rights make a square               Not 4 lefts; there is no such thing
}                                         as a "left angle"
} 10 rights make a Bill Of
} 2 rights make an early airplane
} 46 lefts and 54 rights make the
}    United States Senate
} 1 wrong makes an 800                 Under new SAT scoring system
} 15 right makes $30                   Weekly office football pool pays
}                                         bonus for picking all 15
}                                         winners; Oracle is ineligible,
}                                         darn it
} 12 wrongs make a ladder              Don't stand on either of top 2
} ========================================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle some better puns.  As you can see, the Oracle needs
} them.


742-07    (14hrS dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, so often misunderstood, tell me
>
> why is drinking beer so much more fun than drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm... this will take a little research.
}
} One glass of water consumed.
} Condition:  I'm not particularly thirsty now.  I feel a bit
} refreshed in fact.
}
} 10 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  I feel a sensation that would, if I were mortal,
} no doubt mean that I should go to the bathroom very soon.
} Fortunately I am exempt from such natural laws.  I'm not the
} least bit thirsty, or hungry.
}
} 50 glasses of water consumed.
} Condition:  Hmmm... I don't think I care for any more, thank
} you.  That sensation I mentioned is quite strong now.  A mortal
} could not stand it.  Anyway, I think it's time to move on to
} the next step.
}
} *ZOT*
}
} Excess water ZOTted from stomach.
} Result:  I believe I can comfortably consume liquids again now. I'll
} continue the experiment in one of your social drinking establishments
} to experience beer in it's proper setting.
}
} One glass of beer consumed.
} Result:  The taste is a tad bitter for my sensitive tastes, but
} I've tasted worse.  Again, I feel a bit refreshed.
}
} 10 glassis of beer consumed.
} Resutl: theres that feeling again.  Well, no, this is diffretn.
} I still feel like i'd like to visit one of those bathroom places,
} if I were a mortal of course.  Which I'm not.  Did I menshion
} that I could do with a snack?  I think i'l just antiZOT some
} pizza. *TOZ* Hey, theyrs a naked woman on this label!  Lisa?  Whoops.
} I guess thats the UPC coade. Sorrrybout thee typing. kees must be
} getting stickie. You know, your kinda cute fora mortal.
}
} 50 glkas fberr consmedu.
} Rsutl:no crs idoan havtapee. im above that surtovthing. im the
} orcl. buti don fell so good ridenow i thogt thers anohtr peac
} of pziza hooateit.  whus thasmell? woddchuk?! no not thatbadd.
} likamonyah.  heymy robe is wet hoo spildthebeer? yurrin? dont
} be silee imin compleed conrol. heylits goean mooon sombdy. ohwate.
} IM' worknig.  gota ZOTout thebere. *ZZZZOT* heyimsorie. icanfixit.
} imtheorcl. *ZOOT*  YEOWCH! @#&$%&*W&oD&C&c#&K@$%#*(#  damnigottaaim
} beddr. ok holdmestilfersecont ok imgonagetidnow *ZoT*
} NO CARRIER


742-08    (76wEi dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most virulent,
>
> Please tell this desperate virologist what is the true host of
> Ebola?  It can't be humans or monkeys, since it kills these hosts
> too quickly for a population to be maintained.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL
}
} From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III
}       Oracular Supplications Processing
}
} To:   Marilyn Gillette
}       Head, Computing Services
}
} Hi Marilyn - how's the kick boxing going?
}
} We've just received a warning about a so-called "Ebola virus". Do you
} know anything about it? It's another hoax like the Good Times virus,
} right?
}
} Gaylord
}
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL
}
} From: Marilyn Gillette
}
} To:   F. Gaylord Wallbanger III
}
} It is well known that the Internet is crawling with hackers and
} viruses. As one of the main sources of exposure on this campus, I feel
} it is highly inappropri.te for your group to adopt such a complacent
} attitude. Please treat this viru. as a serious potential thr..t and
} inform me of what steps you plan to take to avoid possible inf.ction.
}
} Marilyn
}
}           a   s                       e   ea
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL
}
} From: F. Gaylord Wallbanger III
}
} To:   Marilyn Gillette
}
} Aw, c'mon M..ilyn! You kno. the "h.ckers and viruses" bit is a.l scare
} stories wh.pped up by the sensation.list end of the m.dia. You .lso
} know perf.ctly well that we've never had a vir.. c.me in via the
} Oracul.r comp..ers. Our precautio.s are more than adequa...
}
} Gaylord
}
}    ut                             a            t
}    ee    iar            n w       a      us  o te    e       la   a
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIVERSITY OF INDIANA INTERMAIL
}
} Fr.m: Maril.n .illette
}
} To:   F. Gay.ord Wallbang.. I.I
}
} Cc:   Th. Usenet Or.cle
}
} Th.s is not an acce.table re.pons.. Your firewalls .re to all inte.ts
} and pu.poses non.xistent. N.w find out wh.t this Eb.la vi.us is an.
} tak. any ..cessary steps to comb.. it.
}
} Mar.lyn
}
}   u
}   i        e      p    a                                          e
} neoi   e  yl  G   a    oter sI   e   a         o  a r         d   n
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIV.RSITY OF I.DIANA INTER.AIL
}
} Fro.: The Us.net Or.cle
}
} To:   .a.ilyn Gill..te
}
} Hi Mar.lyn - how's the ..ck boxin. go.ng?
}
} Ga.lord shoul. ha.. cc'ed me in on this co.responden.. fr.m the star.,
} as I cou.d easil. have prev.nted thi. confusion. .bola is a bio-virus
} wh.ch sporadi.ally br..ks out in C.ntral Afric.. Lethal to hum.ns, but
} no. .xac.ly pr.valent o. the Net.
}
} I sup..se this situat..n could ch.nge in the futur. as its pr.ncipal
} cyberhost .s Windows95, but we.re no. likel. to be s.eing that anywhe..
} aroun. here i. the *near* fut.re, ar. we? Ha ha h..
}
} Orrie
}
}      do           e              a
}      pi c i ny    en    kn       s  e          E    e               i
} e ymtlM r e ed eavat io Ei  eu'  g Nti  a ry   M ae ce  ao   i     ttre
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UNIVERS... O. INDIA.. INTER.A.L
}
} .rom: Mar..yn Gi...tte
}
} T.:   .he Us.net Ora.l.
}
} Yo. idiot! Don.. y.u read .ur m.nthly b.llet.ns? Co.putin. S..vices has
} b.en a beta test site f.r Windo.s95 f.r the pas. 3 m.nth.!
}
} D. you re.lise I .m go.ng to hav. t. close do.n an. sanitize t.e entir.
} c.mpuswide n..work? Yo. can bet y..r omniscien. booties t.at th. dean
} wi.l hear .f this! I s..gest you .tart loo.ing f.. a new home.
}
} Ma.ilyn
}
}  a
}  o               ug   u
}  er      a  et   ao   i     s  we    k u    r  t         h
} Fou  oT  ile't  lle c eo  oITY oFouo o NA  oiwtM Idmo   sg  erhe      el
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}                   UN.VERS..Y .F IND..NA IN.ERMA.L
}
} .rom. Th. .s.net .racl.
}
} .o:   Mari..n G.lle..e
}       .. Ga.lor. Wa..bang.r .I.
}
} Um, I'm n.t q.ite sur. how to br.ng th.s up, y.u two. I .m, .s you
} kno., im.ortal, but, well, hav. .ither .f .ou made .ut y..r will yet?
}
} In d..pest sy.path., O.rie
}
}                       r
} T   e     ly m d   ll e     I I
} F m :eF eoUyeu i OytteI eeeIT O io yIAi     Too  Iou    a   a         w
} ------------------------------------------------------------------------
}
} You owe the Oracle a version of Dr Solomon's that combats Ebola virus,
} or a suitable site at your university on which to build a new Oracular
} temple. You choose.


742-09    (9rrmi dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> DId George Lucas REALLY send me E-mail?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, those are E-woks.


742-10    (3szqb dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, most powerful oracle!  Please take the time out of your busy
> schedule to answer my humble question:
>
> How do I manage to pop all the kernels so that I stop ending up with so
> much flopcorn?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Fiber-challenged Supplicant:
}
} There are several ways to increase the yield of fully popped kernels or
} to raise the coefficient of corn conversion.  For discussion purposes I
} will assume that you refer to microwave popcorn since it is the easiest
} method of preparation.  You obviously did not even try to use the
} highly effective air popped or the shake a pan on the stove methods
} since that would be WAY TOO MUCH WORK AND WHAT ARE THESE SUPPLICANTS
} COMING TO, THE LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING...
}
} but I digress - to avoid unpopped corn:
}
} 1.  set the microwave for 60 minutes on high.
}
} 2.  recook the bag twenty times.
}
} 3.  place aluminum foil under the bag.
}
} 4.  take the contents of the bag and spread them on the floor of the
} microwave then see number one above.
}
} 5.  take the bag to the nearest nuclear power plant and submerge it
} into the coolant pool; withdraw all the control rods.
}
} And finally the most effective way:
}
} 6.  hold the bag close to your heart and ask me one of those stupid
} woodchuck questions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a large tub, buttered.


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