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Internet Oracularities #748

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748, 748-01, 748-02, 748-03, 748-04, 748-05, 748-06, 748-07, 748-08, 748-09, 748-10


Usenet Oracularities #748    (81 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 26 Jun 1995 00:10:42 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   748
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

748   81 votes 6msh8 8ktf9 4tll6 89wma 4frgj 29jpq etoc2 39msj 4qom5 4dwkc
748   3.2 mean  3.0   3.0   3.0   3.2   3.4   3.8   2.5   3.6   3.0   3.3


748-01    (6msh8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O wise Oracle,who knows all,please tell me:
>   What do You think which beer is better Estonian or Finnish?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no. I'm not getting into one of these arguments again. I remember
} one long-ago disagreement on wine I was asked to answer. Ever hear of
} the Franco-Prussian War? That's what happens when I make judgements
} on national alcohols. It's just not worth it. One wrong word from me
} and the whole Baltic Sea turns into a war zone. I'm not commenting
} and that's all there is to it.
}
} However, could you send me a few cases of each type just in case I
} change my mind? I wouldn't want to make a judgement without research.


748-02    (8ktf9 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>           Oh Mighty Oracle of needless wisdom, please help me with
>           this question that have disturbed my tiny little mind for a
>           long time:
>
>           Why are bananas bent, that is, why doesn't the gravitation
>           make them straight and more bat-looking?
>
>           Please have mercy upon me in this matter!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bananas were originally straight.
}
} They only recently became bent, a genetic mutation caused by the
} various nuclear tests performed in the Pacific.
}
} The French tests at Mururoa, if allowed to go ahead, will cause
} yet more mutations, resulting in spiral bananas. This would
} normally be considered to be inconvenient, as they will be even
} more difficult to pack, however as all of the banana pickers will
} have died of cancer, it is unlikely to be noticed.
}
} You owe the Oracle an ICBM targeted at Paris.


748-03    (4tll6 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@pumpkin.tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh oracle, great and small, wise and wonderful, what does "feminam
> pulchram habes" mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} > Oh oracle, great and small, wise and wonderful,
}
} You forgot "bright and beautiful."  Oh, and modest too.
}
} > what does "feminam pulchram habes" mean?
}
} fe*mi*nam, from fe (as in ferrum) = "iron" , minam = "mine"
}
} pulchram, from "pulch-", onomotopoeic prefix describing the
} clearing of the throat.
}
} habes = "have"
}
} Hence, "You have a very dusty iron mine."
}
} You owe the Oracle a Latin-English dictionary.


748-04    (89wma dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle in the net,
>   whose presence I have not met.
> Tell me, tell me, tell me why,
>   why do people tell lie after lie?
> The world's a mess and that's the truth,
>   but people claim it's not and that's uncouth.
> Will our kids have a chance to see a spotted owl,
>   or will it be long dead because the earth's so fowl?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The problem, my friend, isn't always mendacity;
} Getting the facts seems beyond the capacity
} Of most of our citizens. Witness sci.chem,
} Often bombarded by posts by (*ahem*)
} Limbaugh fanatics, all certain that *they* know
} That stratosphere chlorine is due to volcano
} Eruptions. These folks aren't *lying*, they merely
} Have *not* read the technical lit'rature, clearly.
} The only solution is frequent correction.
} This also applies in the other direction:
} If someone complains of the greenhouse effect
} (Which we're worried about, but have yet to detect),
} And gets it confused with the hole in the ozone
} (Which is *there* -- it's no more in the `We just don't know' zone
} -- It's a totally sep'rate phenomenon), tell
} Them (politely, if possible -- otherwise, yell)
} They need to get clear what they're talking about.
} Well, that's it for the lecturing. Over and out.
}
} You owe the Oracle a passenger pigeon pie.


748-05    (4frgj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: perkunas@ix.netcom.com (Frank Backitis)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> As we all know, the Good Book says: "Blessed is the Oracle, for he
> shall inherit the heavens. Blessed are the supplicants, for they shall
> inherit a huge phone bill, not to mention quite a head-ache. For your
> Oracular wisdom protecteth me like a blanket of apples. Yey, though I
> have been to the city of Bethyannay and returned from the Valley of
> Gurchaiel, your Oracle doth shield me from ignorance and sickness."
> (Jebedaiah, 4, 27). Hah! Those must have been some understatements, ey?
> I bet even than, some supplicants doubted your omniscience, but not I.
> I will ask you a question, nay, a mere utterance, for to you it must
> seem childplay, but I have struggled with it greatly.
>
> Why do women take more time to mature (mentally) than men do? I mean
> sure, every girl thinks she's a women when she starts to menstruate,
> but that doesn't mean anything, right?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!"
}
} "Um, Lisa, dear, please give me the keyboard."
}
} "THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!  ZOT THE BASTARD."
}
} "That's a good girl.  Why don't you lie down for a bit."
}
} "BETTER YET BOIL HIM IN OIL"
}
} "Close the shades and I'll be in to massage your back soon.  Bye.  Now,
} where was I, oh yes.... You'll have to forgive Lisa.  She get's a
} little irritable every few weeks or so.  You learn to live with it.
} Anyway..."
}
}      ["RIP HIS TESTICLES OUT HAIR BY HAIR"]
}
} "In a minute, dear, close the door please.... Listen, my dear
} supplicant, my heart is soothed by the best grovel I've heard in years,
} but I'm a little busy right now...."
}
}      ["PUT TABASCO SAUCE IN HIS CONDOMS"]
}
} "Yes, dear...  Um, why don't you supplicate me in a few days when
} things have quieted down.  I have to take care of a few things."
}
}      ["BRING ME A PINT OF HAAGEN DAAZ DOUBLE CHOCOLATE RIPPLE WITH
} EXTRA BUTTERSCOTCH"]
}
} "Yes, dear, where do we keep it?"
}
}      ["DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING FOR YOU?   FOR THE LOVE OF
} HILLARY..."]
}
} "Yes, dear,  oh it this thing still on?  Bye now."


748-06    (29jpq dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did Jesus and Mary Magdalen ever... well, you know...

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Play contract bridge? Of course they did -- don't you remember from
} Sunday School? Mark 17:57-61 :
}
}        57  And in the third rubber, Jesus was in the East, and
}          Mary of Magdala was in the West; and they did contend
}          with Judas, who is called Iscariot, and Omar, who is
}          called Sharif. And Mary said, "Lord, I will do Thy
}          bidding."
}
}        58  And Judas spake, saying, "Let Him do His own bidding.
}          And no table-talk."
}
}        59  And the bidding was as follows: Pass, and Pass, and
}          Pass; and then Jesus spake, saying "Seven No-Trump,"
}          and laid down His cards.
}
}        60  And lo, though He had been dealt rubbish -- the hand
}          of Yarborough of the Chaldees -- He now held all of the
}          points, and also the ten of spades.
}
}        61  And Mary of Magdala knelt down, and washed His feet
}          with her hair. And Judas spake in wrath, saying,
}          "Hey -- no signalling!"
}
} You owe the Oracle a description of the Sacred Hearts Match.


748-07    (etoc2 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> what is going on in the world of the oracle!!!!
>
> I like to keep up to date with a gods social events!
>
> Thankyou For Flying DOC. Airways!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, nosy supplicant.  You hadn't the courteousy to grovel, but I will
} answer your question anyway, it being rather original....
}
} Here is my "to do" list....
}
} 8:00 am               Sleep in.
} 1:00 pm               Wake and shower
} 1:30 pm to 9:30 pm    ZOT the multitudes
} 9:30 pm to 12:00 am   Torment Bill Gates, creating new bugs in Windows
}                       '95.
} 12:01 am to 6:00 am   MUD
} 6:01 am to 7:59 am    Party and booze.
}
} As you can see, I have a pretty full schedule.  Now I must get back to
} that brewski.....
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of millbeast.


748-08    (39msj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and wise Oracle, who is far too magnificent to be compared to
> anything else.
>
> Looking through my fridge I have:
>       Some cheese with furry green mould on it.
>       A slightly limp cucumber
>       Half a tin of baked beans
>       Six eggs (only slightly passed their best-by date)
>       Two pints of milk (semi-skimmed (and fresh!))
>       A jar of mayonnaise (slightly crusty on top but the rest's OK)
>       A bottle of cheap white wine
>
> What is the best meal I could make with these ingredients ?
>
> A peckish supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} These ingredients may be used to provide a truly delicious repast.
}
} 1) Carefully scrape the mold off the cheese.  Using some of the
}    mayonnaise as glue, stick the mold to the outside of one of
}    the eggs.  Cut off one end of the cucumber and carve a little face
}    in it.  Attach to the egg with more mayonnaise (if this doesn't
}    hold, use the beans instead).  You now have an excellent
}    approximation to a chia pet.
}
}    Sell the chia pet to a gullible friend for $5.00 .
}
} 2) Use the remainder of the cheese to trap several rats or mice (in
}    a pinch, a nutria will do fine).  Placing the rodents in a
}    gas-tight enclosure, feed them the baked beans.  Collect the
}    resulting gas.
}
}    Remove the cork from the bottle of cheap white wine.  Under
}    pressure, force the collected gas into the bottle until it
}    dissolves in the wine, then quickly replace the cork.  You
}    now have "sparkling white whine" which may be sold to
}    the same gullible friend for an additional $10.00 .
}
} 3) Separate the whites of the remaining five eggs.  Beat until stiff.
}    Puree the egg yolks with the unused portion of the cucumber
}    and fold the mixture into the egg whites.  Spread the resulting
}    medium in the bottom of a number of petri dishes and attempt
}    to culture some airborne bacteria.
}
}    Using the standard bacteriological literature, identify a culture
}    which contains lactobacillus sp.; add these bacteria to the
}    two pints of milk and refrigerate until you get yogurt.  Place
}    an ad in the local new-age press, offering a "soothing
}    yogurt enema" for only $21.95.
}
} 4) You now have $36.95 .  Discard any of the remaining food and
}    take yourself and your spouse or significant-other out to dinner.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Julia Childs cookbook.


748-09    (4qom5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: stenor@pcnet.com (Scott Panzer)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle, he who knows everything under the sun...
>
> I was wondering if you know what I should do.  I have this strange
> problem in that I have this urgent feeling coming from the area of my
> buttocks. I've eaten about 20 fudge brownies in the past couple of
> hours, and my roommate tells me that they were made with ex-lax for the
> chocolate.
>
> What is this urgent feeling I get?  What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You are fortunate that I know not only everything under the sun,
} but also everything where the sun doesn't shine.
}
} The urgent feeling in your backside is your conscience.  It is
} reminding you of your moral duty to write your roommate a nice
} thank-you note for the brownies.  Since you've waited so long,
} it would be a nice gesture if you also gave him a little
} present.  Let your conscience be your guide.
}
} Please pass the Oracle the Epsom salts.


748-10    (4dwkc dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Greg Wohletz <greg@duke.CS.UNLV.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ^O^H ^G^R^E^A^T ^A^N^D ^W^O^N^D^E^R^F^U^L ^O^R^A^C^L^E,
> ^W^H^A^T      ^S ^T^H ^S "^C^O^N^T^R^O^L" ^K^E^Y ^F^O^R?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, the "CONTROL" key.  You see, that's a long story.
}
} Once upon a time keyboards were free of the "CONTROL" key.  The
} letters and numbers frolicked and played, for they were carefree.  The
} world was a much simpler place, then.
}
} Then, electric typewriters came into being.  The letters were required
} to work faster and harder, and many of them resented it.  You could
} often hear letters muttering just under the hum of the typewriter,
} conspiring to revolt.  One particular group of letters formed a
} revolutionary group, calling themselves "Dvorak".  They went around
} convincing law-abiding letters to rearrange themselves.
}
} When computers came around, the letters were forced to work even
} harder, and it rapidly became clear that they were really getting out
} of hand.  Some bright young (and, of course, anonymous - her professor
} got the credit) graduate student came up with the idea of the
} "CONTROL" key.  It worked so well that you almost never see a keyboard
} without one any more.
}
} Nowadays the letters have been subdued so well that many of them have
} been co-opted into the New Keyboard Order.  You demonstrated a good
} example in your question: Control-I is often used to represent a Tab.
} The letter "S" actually resists somewhat - it has a tendency to stop
} all activity.  However, "Q", being a pleasant sort, generally
} convinces everyone to start working properly again.
}
} You owe the Oracle a genuine 1911 Royal manual typewriter with a
} Dvorak keyboard and Control, Alt, Escape and Meta keys, so he can run
} manual Emacs on it.


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