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Internet Oracularities #755

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755, 755-01, 755-02, 755-03, 755-04, 755-05, 755-06, 755-07, 755-08, 755-09, 755-10


Usenet Oracularities #755    (81 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Wed, 12 Jul 1995 12:00:32 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   755
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

755   81 votes 8mxh1 8fxi7 86gro 3cnvc 3dqof 8mpj7 5rz77 botb6 cgeli cfiqa
755   3.1 mean  2.8   3.0   3.7   3.5   3.4   2.9   2.8   2.7   3.2   3.1


755-01    (8mxh1 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: csf <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can you tell me what to doon my 4 week vacation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Earth Empire Travel Services (Est. 10,145) invite you to consider
} a religious holiday for your next vacation.  EETS is proud to offer a
} special limited-time package vacation to the planet Arakkis (also known
} as Dune), religious center of the universe.
}
}       You'll enjoy ten days and eleven nights (standard time) on the
} world where the galactic empire was turned upside down.  You'll stay at
} the Arakkis Hilton, located just 100 Km from the Arakkene religious
} compound. Fly an ornithopter, visit the largest cathedral ever
} constructed, or don a Fremen stillsuit and go into the desert on a
} visionquest.  Tour the spice refineries, or go on an actual spice
} gathering foray into the desert and perhaps catch a glimpse of the
} legendary sandworms (but not too close!).
}
}       Whatever your vacation desires, Arakkis has it for you; what
} would you expect from the center of the universe?
}
}       Remember, time is limited, as are general openings for visitors
} to Arakkis, so book your travel date now.
}
}       You owe The Oracle a way to fold space.


755-02    (8fxi7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle,
>
> Why isn't golf very popular in Iceland?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Not Again!
} Everybody asks me this question.  All those smarties out there,
} expecting to get an essay on the problems of finding a white golf ball
} in a white fairway in a fog during the six month night. (Miss Smilla
} would tell you that there are forty five different shades of white.)
} Or what happens to a Number Two Wood when it connects with a golf ball
} at 120 miles per hour at -26F.  (Sure, the wood splinters into shards,
} but doesnt the ball move!)
}
} But the answer is really simple.  Please tell your friends so that I
} stop getting this question.  In Icelandic, "hguelkachukkle", pronounced
} "g-o-l-f" is the practice of cleaning ones underpants with a comb at
} the end of the long winter six months night so that it is possible to
} crawl around the igloo without clinking and waking up all the kids.
} With the laundromat snowed in, it isn't possible to wash smalls, so
} combing them is the only solution.  But Icelanders are not uncivilised.
} They are aware that combing one's underwear is a pretty poor substitute
} for a good wash.  They are also very aware that combing underwear
} is not a desirable group activity; it's something a decent Icelander
} does in private, after dinner, and when the late movie has finished.
}
} So an invitation to join the g-o-l-f club, or to play a round of
} g-o-l-f with the visitors from the States, lacks Icelandic appeal.
}
} Because I dont know how old you are, I wont go into the further
} details of what an Icelander understands by "cstauchoq" (pronounced
} b-i-r-d-i-e), or "ktujc" (pronounced p-a-r), and as for h-o-l-e i-n
} o-n-e, dont ask!
}
} (You owe the Oracle a golf buggie with caterpillar treads and
} headlights (or a set of small combs which glow in the dark)


755-03    (86gro dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O most salient Oracle, for whom the bell tolls, the sun also rises, and
> the casons go rolling along:
>
> There's a local family, the Woods, in town here that will smoke beef or
> pork for a reasonable price.  I have some chuck steak I'd like them to
> smoke, so I called them up last Friday and they said they'd do it with
> an aged mesquite that would really bring out the flavor of the meat, a
> process they refer to as "wooding" (which, I imagine, speaks to the
> product used as well as the family name).
>
> My problem is that they've assigned Charlie to do the job.  Charlie's
> getting up there in years, so I did some calling around for some
> references and now I have a bit of concern about his ability to handle
> the job.  So my question to you would be:
>
> How much chuck could ol' Chuck Wood "wood", if ol' Chuck Wood could
> "wood" chuck?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hi there, Joel Furr here. I like the grovel.
}
} Okay, first the bad news. I'm afraid the Usenet Oracle is dead. We
} think he OD'd on clueless newbie questions, you know, "how do i telnet"
} and "where can i get a list of newsgroups" and not a capital letter in
} sight. It's bound to take its toll even on an immortal.
}
} Well, as you can imagine, the Oracle's demise caused not a little panic
} among the priesthood, who have got their livelihood riding on this. So
} they got together and decided on a replacement and, as I'm about the
} nearest thing to omniscience you're likely to find on the Net in short
} order, and do a nice line in T-shirts with Net designs (want one?),
} they asked me to stand in.
}
} So that's the good news. However, it does present a bit of a problem as
} regards your particular question. It's clearly a convoluted variant on
} the woodchuck theme, or ZOTbait as we professionals call it, but
} woodchucks don't do anything for me. Lemurs are my thing, as you'll
} know if you've hung around rec,humor.oracle.d for more than 2 or 3
} days. So, with your permission, I'll slightly alter the last line of
} your question to render the humorous intent more applicable. It now
} reads:
}
} > How many lemmings may a lemur immure if a lemur might immure
} > lemmings?
}
} I know the wordplay is a bit weak compared to the original, but I like
} the nod to computer culture by introducing lemmings into it - as in the
} game, you know. Right, so here's your answer...
}
} [With a deafening roar, a huge chasm opens up in the floor of the
} Oracular Chamber. The air fills with the smell of brimstone, and
} tendrils of flame lick the edges of the crevasse. Joel Furr fights
} desperately to regain his balance, fails, and topples over backwards
} into the chasm with a spine tingling screech. At the far end of the
} chamber, a green glow slowly coalesces into a human shape. Is it Alec
} Guinness in one of the later episodes of the Star Wars saga? No. The
} shape solidifies. It's the Usenet Oracle!]
}
} Hah! Dead, am I? Let me tell you something about deities, sunshine! We
} go on and on forever so long as there is still one true believer! Of
} which there aren't too many to be found in my priesthood, it would
} appear. So, Noe, Panzer and the rest of you, as soon as I'm finished
} here, you're toast, you hear me! And I hereby promote my one faithful
} priest, Zadoc, to Arch-Hierophant in Chief of the Church of the Usenet
} Oracle TM (all holy writings subject to copyright).
}
} But first, let's get the morning's supplications out of the way. What's
} this one? "O most salient Oracle... a local family... chuck steak...
} aged mesquite..." WHAT?!? A woodchuck question! I get dragged back from
} the edge of oblivion and the first thing that pollutes my line of sight
} is an effing woodchuck question! That does it!
}
}                               > ZOT <
}
}            > ZOT <      > ZOT <      > ZOT <      > ZOT <
}
}                            > ZZZOOTT!!! <
}
} No more Mister Nice Guy.


755-04    (3cnvc dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is it true that the outer layer of the earth is made up of mostly
> eight elements?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, it's true.  Here are the elements and their concentrations:
}
} 1. McDonald's wrappers             (61.42%)
} 2. Lost socks                      (33.84%)
} 3. Old TV Guide issues             ( 1.05%)
} 4. ATM receipts                    ( 0.96%)
} 5. Atari 2600 "Combat" cartridges  ( 0.31%)
} 6. Coffee filters                  ( 0.27%)
} 7. Golf tees                       ( 0.25%)
} 8. Shopping carts                  ( 0.18%)
}    Everything else                 ( 1.72%)
}                           TOTAL   (100.00%)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Filet-O-Fish Extra Value Meal.


755-05    (3dqof dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu (David Sewell)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is the purpose of "higher education"?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} "Higher education"--college and grad school--is designed to separate
} those who participate in it from folks with "lower education," a.k.a.
} obedience school.
}
} How else could you tell Brad from Fifi?  Let's try an example.
}
} Brad drinks forty-two beers at the Fraternity Social and barfs all over
} the frathouse rug.
}
} Fifi drinks too quickly from the toilet bowl, and barfs all over the
} rug.
}
} Brad likes his girlfriend Stephanie to put a dog collar on him.
}
} Fifi likes to wear her spiffy, jeweled dog collar.
}
} Brad gets so blitzed he can't see, runs out of the frathouse in his
} underwear, loses control and takes a dump, and leaves his boxer shorts
} hanging on a bush waving in the wind, to be found by a passing student
} on the way to chemistry class in the morning.
}
} Fifi dumps on the lawn fairly regularly.  This is known as her "calling
} card."
}
} Brad is a heel.
}
} Fifi knows how to heel.
}
} Brad will mate with any woman who wanders by the frathouse, and he
} becomes increasingly less picky as his inebriation level increases.
}
} Fifi will mate with any other passing dog, and she becomes increasingly
} less picky in heat, which seems like all the time these days.
}
} Now I ask you, WITHOUT LOOKING BETWEEN THEIR LEGS for the obvious
} clues, how would you know the difference between Brad and Fifi, were it
} not for higher education?  You see, Brad will eventually have a diploma
} to frame for his office wall, and a class ring the size of a pinball to
} prove that he has Higher Education.  Fifi will only know how to sit,
} stay, come, and fetch.  They don't give diplomas for that.  Folks
} meeting Brad and Fifi for the first time will only have to glance at
} his wall to know who's who and what, my friend, is what.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of the diploma the Wizard gave the Scarecrow,
} and a bottle of Courage.


755-06    (8mpj7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Sid Dabster

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> slgjslfkdgjsldfgsdf

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hello, InterNIC?  Yes, this is Ollie.  You know, the Usenet Oracle.
} Yes, that's right.  I'm getting those misrouted packets for the Mario
} Teaches Typing WWW site next door again, and I'm not happy about it.
} Not at all.  Well, you'd _better_ take care of it this time.  Right.
} You heard about that?  Yes, that was me.  Good!  Then I won't have
} to, unless it happens again.  What's that?  You'd better be!  Bye.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Dvorak keyboard.


755-07    (5rz77 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Cannes sum won sioux me bee gauze of my spell chequer soft wear?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No, but judging from the way you've worded your question you should be
} able to sue Microsoft.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell checker that can deal with homonyms.


755-08    (botb6 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle  ... Everyone knows You are great and this is obvious
> simply because you reside at a college campus!  The Heavan of all
> heavens full of of all the goddesses and ambrosia or beer one young and
> bountiful oracle could ever desire!!!!
> Since you reside in such a oasis, I must ask You, Oh great taster of
> the necter we call hops and barley ... why is that Sam Adams, the Near
> oracle of brews, if I may compare so, needs to brewbeers such as CHERRY
> WHEAT?  It was good, but it tasted like cherry soda, Oh great brew
> meister, what's wrong with the traditional brewsky?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There is nothing wrong with traditional beer, supplicant.  But it seems
} your taste buds have gone awry!  Cherry Wheat should taste like fruity
} *beer*, not soda!  But rest assured, the Oracle has diagnosed your
} problem, and it appears that you have become afflicted with
} Hop-in-Mouth disease.  Meaning that one of your taste buds has decided
} to no longer listen to neurosynaptic guidance typically provided by
} your brain.  What you eat is not what you taste.
}
} The cause of this  has something to do with the experiment you
} participated in your first year at the campus, the one that paid you
} $30 for 3 hours of your time at the nutrition-psych lab, where you had
} to eat Lucky Charms while watching videos of Thanksgiving with the
} Newman family, as the scent of roadkill skunk was subtly pumped into
} the room through the vent you failed to notice behind you.
}
} It was then that one of your taste buds rebelled, said to itself 'the
} show is over', and went a bit whimsical <to put it nicely>, to
} counteract a heavy depression from overworking itself.  That was when
} your body happened to slip over the edge of food sanity  -  the fatal
} point when you thought the Lucky Charms were really braised quail bits
} with marshmallowy kumquat fries, and the glass of milk was really
} 100-year-old Bordeaux.  Hence the Cherry Wheat epsiode - a climactic
} event, but bound to happen eventually.
}
} So I hear your next question: How the (*&^ +%@  do I heal this anomaly?
} The trick to curing what ales you lies in saying "I am the wiser" at
} least three times, loud enough to get the little bud in you to heed
} your direction.  That way, you'll be known to be the wiser of your
} anatomical parts, for as we all know:
}
}        We must Coors the darkness to get the Bud wiser Light.
}
} You owe the Oracle a case of Cafe-au-Lait Corona. With a lime, of
} course!


755-09    (cgeli dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle most snide, whose avenging nature surfaces only when subjected
> to the inane queries of obtuse supplicants, bestow upon this humble and
> properly awed mortal an answer to my query...
>
> I have yet to meet a user from either America OnLine or Compu$erve that
> I could not call a boob.  It's almost as if these people are given an
> idiocy test to see if they qualify to be paying customers, then they go
> and annoy everyone else on the 'net.
>
> Why is this, and are there any exceptions to the AOL/Compu$serve
> boob-rule?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} HEHEHEHEH U SA1D "B00B" HEHEHEHEHEHE YEAH TH0SE A0L AND C1$ L0ZERS R S0
} LAME THEY R N0T KEWL L1KE ALL THE RAD B1FF PR0D1GY USERZ L1KE
} ME!!!!!!!!1!! YEAH11!!!! PR0D1GY R0CKZ THE NET!!!!!!!11!!
}
} Y0U 0WE THE 0R1CKLE A PH0NE NUMBER AND ID F0R A HACKERZ EL1TE WAR3Z
} B0ARD D00D!!!!1!!AND FTP S1TEZ W1TH KEWL G1FS??? T1FS?? PCXS??/? BMPS?
} JPEGS??? MPEGS?/? AND TELL ME H0W 2 ACKSESS B1TNET UZENET NEWZGR0UPZ???
} D0 U KN0W H0W 2 PR0GRAM KEWL GAMEZ L1KE D00M 1N C???? 1 0NLY KN0W
} GWBASIC. H0W D0 1 UZE G0PHER 0R W00DCHUCK 0R WHATEVR U CALL 1T? WHERE
} CAN 1 ACKSES ARCH1E AND VER0N1CA AND JUGHEAD? AND MR. WEATHERBEE
} HAHAHAHAHA!?? 1 AM S0 FUNNEE!!!!!!
}
} END
} EZ1T
} EXIT
} //EXIT
} QUIT
} BYE
}
} +++ATZ
} ATH0


755-10    (cfiqa dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, so wise in the ways of life, I am worried.  I am a 30
> year old male engineer, and I don't even have a girlfriend.  Where can
> a computer guy like me meet women?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Warning. You are in violation of edict NG666STN. Your transmission has
} been intercepted by the Thought Police and according to Comrade
} Gingrinch's criteria is hereby denounced as smut of the lowest ands
} most vile kind. You are charged with:
}
} 1) Using the word "woman" to describe a member of the opposite sex for
} a possible relationship, possibly involving sex, possibly extramarital,
} possibly nude and with the lights on, possibly with a minor, and
} possibly without a priest's express written consent.
}
} 2) Using the 10 letter "G" word in the contents "I don't even have a
} g-------"
}
} 3) Describing an explict act with a member of the opposite sex:
} "Where can a computer guy like me MEET a woman?"
}
} These are not the type of values that we would like to pass on to our
} children. They do not involve the bible, denouncing Darwinism or other
} blasphemous heathen ideas, or worshipping your local Republican
} representative.
}
} You are to report to the Ministry of Love for re-education.
}
} You owe Congress a clue, and the Republicans a copy of the Bill of
} Rights (it appears that they lost their copy).


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