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16 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 7:14:17 GMT

Internet Oracularities #775

Goto:
775, 775-01, 775-02, 775-03, 775-04, 775-05, 775-06, 775-07, 775-08, 775-09, 775-10


Usenet Oracularities #775    (89 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 15 Sep 1995 08:35:11 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   775
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

775   89 votes 5yve5 9fAk9 0bzte 5hooj bnug9 84cmH erva7 8gxo8 32ipF 7hCj8
775   3.3 mean  2.8   3.1   3.5   3.4   2.9   4.0   2.7   3.1   4.1   3.0


775-01    (5yve5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu (Rich McGee)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What does it mean when a yellow feather is slid underneath your door?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It means that three things are true:
} 1. You need new weatherstripping for your door,
} 2. Big Bird is shedding, and
} 3. Bert is playing tricks on you.
}
} You owe the Oracle a sunny day.


775-02    (9fAk9 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Glorious Oracle, Seer of the unseen, Knower of the Unknown, please
> share your infinite wisdom with me.
>
> I have been chosen to play a rock in our school play, but I am
> struggling to find my motivation.  Should I be an angry rock?  A sad
> and melancholy rock?  Please hurry.  The play is only two days away and
> I need to practice.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You should look up to, as acting idols, the Metamorphic twins, Iggy and
} Sedimenty.  You probably remember them from their pivotal role in "It's
} the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown," in which they were even referred to
} by name ("I got a rock") by the title character.
}
} Their other roles include the following:
}
} -- PROPER SHRUB PLANTING TECHNIQUES (1962)  In their debut film, the
} Metamorphics portray buried rocks, on top of which one should not plant
} shrubbery.
}
} -- SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROCK HOUND (1968)  Iggy plays an example of how
} not to store your rocks; Sedimenty is a properly labeled specimen.
}
} -- MOUNTAIN DRIVING PROBLEMS (1972)  This film, originally produced for
} the Wyoming Department of Motor Vehicles, stars the twins as the
} results of an avalanche on U.S. 20.
}
} -- THE HISTORY OF ROCK 'N' ROLL (1975)  In a tongue-in-cheek sequence
} in this documentary, Iggy and Sedimenty go rolling by the camera.
}
} -- CAREERS IN GEOLOGY (1981)  Iggy and Sedimenty reprise their roles
} from "So You Want to Be a Rock Hound."
}
} -- WHAT WOULD YOU DO? VOLUME VI: THE PLAYGROUND (1984)  Iggy and
} Sedimenty are thrown by a young boy during a playground argument,
} causing a little girl's tooth to be knocked out.
}
} -- WATERWORLD (1995)  Following semi-retirement, the Metamorphic
} brothers came back and appeared in the climactic final scene in this
} Kevin Costner vehicle.
}
} You owe the Oracle some of the Halloween candy Charlie Brown didn't
} get.


775-03    (0bzte dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, whose gummy, body-fluidy, city-street-grime-laden,
> Holy sneakers I am unfit to sponge the dried encrustations
> from, please condescend to offer unceremoniously the tiniest,
> most unfrequented nano-particle of wisdom, in comparison to
> which I remain hopelessly eensy and insignificant:
>
> Who was the first human to look at the udders of a cow and
> say, "you know, I think I'll try that..."?  And why, when
> it molded and became solid and possibly fuzzy, did someone
> decide to call it cheese and put it on their chili?
>
> belly-smudging, non-capitalized, oat-mealishly grovelly
> thanks to you, oh magnitudinous one.  no, really.  i'm not
> fit to wipe the snot from your oldest kleenex with my
> eyeballs.  thanks.  my mom will be so proud.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Extremely humble and debased supplicant,
}
} 9633 BC, On the primordial tundra:
}
} Grok Rock Banger was the first human to look at cattle and realise the
} potential of the white fluid produced by the bovine genera.
} Unfortuately, his grasp of gender was not as good as his grasp on the
} bull.
}
} 4501 BC, plains near Sumeria
}
} Olyar Muttar is called before the SFDA to prove that the consumption of
} cows milk will not turn children into cows and refute links betwen
} cattle milk consumption and psychpathic compulsion.  Prince Exon
} denounces Olyar as a pervert and the defiler of livestock.  Olyar is
} flayed alive and pegged out in the desert.  Cattle milk becomes the
} next big thing among the youth of Sumeria.
}
} 1028 BC, Outer Mongolia
}
} Chias Ovudhar realises the hoards are coming over for tea and there's
} nothing in the tent except two strips of Jerky and some milk from the
} raid he went on the other week.  As he kept the milk in a cows
} stomache, the warm weather and riding combined with the rennett has
} transformed the milk into what we refer to as cheese.  Chias has a
} sudden brainwave and decides to serve the moldy yellowy mass to his
} Mongol overlord.  Chias found dead the next day.  The moldy yellow
} remains of Mongol lunches named Chias in his honour and sold for
} exhorbitant prices to gullible foreigners.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dollop of Cheez-Whiz
}
}          (__)
}          (oo)
}   /-------\/
}  / |w----||
}    ~~    ~~


775-04    (5hooj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How can I get a job?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} **********************************************************************
} *   THE USENET ORACLE (tm) IS ANNOUNCES THE AVAILABILITY OF          *
} *   THOUSANDS OF EXCITING, HIGH PAYING, WORK-AT-HOME JOBS!           *
} *      COMPOSING GROVELS FOR T.U. ORACLE AND ASSOCIATES              *
} **********************************************************************
}     -  Work from the comfort of your own home or school!
}     -  Work as little or as much as you would like!
}     -  Meet interesting and exciting people from all over the world!
}
} The breakdown of Usenet tradition and the general decline in the
} intelligence of the Usenet Oracle's supplicant population has brought
} about a severe shortage of satisfactory grovels submitted with
} supplicant's questions.  Submitting a question without a grovel has
} caused many supplicants to receive perfunctory, humorless answers from
} the Oracle, or even a *ZOT* for a seemingly trivial provocation.
}
} HELP RESTORE HUMOR TO THE ORACLE-QUERYING EXPERIENCE FOR THOUSANDS
} OF USERS WHILE MAKING BIG MONEY FAST.
}
} You can join the creative team at T.U. Oracle Associates composing
} ready-to-use grovels for sale to the growing population of
} instant-gratification-oriented, too-busy-to-care humor seekers that
} now make up so much of the Oracle's client base.  What supplicant
} could do without a set of precision-crafted, attention-getting,
} Oracle pleasing grovels, sure to elicit riotously funny and
} insightful responses when inserted before even the lamest questions?
}
} Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation
} Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Grovel Developers Kit".
} In 4 to 6 weeks, you will receive a CD-ROM containing:
}      - Official Oracle Grovel Developer Membership Card and Certificate
}      - The Oracle Grovel Writer's Style and Usage Guide
}      - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software
}      - Grovel writing templates and macros for 50 popular word
}        processing and text editor programs
}
} T.U. Oracle Associates currently pays $2.75 PER WORD for grovels
} accepted for publication in the Oracle's Official Grovel Anthology.
}
} Too busy to write grovels, but need side-splitting humor from the
} Oracle right away?
}
} Send $49.95 Cash, Check, Credit Card, Money Order, or Internation
} Postal Coupon for the "Official T.U. Oracle Supplicant Grovel
} Anthology". Within two business days you will receive a CD-ROM
} containing:
}      - Official Oracle Grovel User's Membership Card and Certificate
}      - The Oracle Grovel User's Style and Usage Guide
}      - Oracle Grovel-A-Day Personal Organizer and Calendar Software
}      - Grovel inclusion templates and macros for 50 popular word
}        processing and text editor programs
}
} You owe the Oracle half of your first royalty check for setting you
} up with this great opportunity.


775-05    (bnug9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> If you were to publish your autobiography, which artist
> would you hire to do the pictures?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boris Vallejo to draw me, Lisa, and the priesthood.  Scott Adams to
} draw the supplicants, who all look exactly like Dilbert.
}
} You owe the Oracle a first edition of "Deep Thoughts from the Far
} Side" by Snoopy and Woodstock.


775-06    (84cmH dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great oracle,
>
> what do you do with a supplicant who leaves his .sig at
> the end of his questions?
> --
> --

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WHAT R U TALK1N' ABOUT MAN?  SIGZ ROOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
}
} LATER MAN.
}
} BIFF.
}
} --
}     BBBBBBBBBBBBB          IIIIIIIII            FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
}     BBBBBBBBBBBBBB         IIIIIIIII           FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
}      BBB        BBB           III             FFF         FFF
}       BBB        BBB          III            FFF         FFF
}        BBB        BBB         III           FFF         FFF
}         BBBBBBBBBBBBB         III          FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF
}          BBBBBBBBBBBBBB       III         FFFFFFFFF   FFFFFFFFF
}           BBB        BBB      III        FFF         FFF
}            BBB        BBB     III       FFF         FFF
}             BBB        BBB    III      FFF         FFF
}              BBBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII  FFF         FFF
} BIFF@BIT.NET  BBBBBBBBBBBB IIIIIIIII FFF         FFF  BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU
} BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET                                 BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU
}   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM
}          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM
}            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US
}              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM
}                             BIFF@MSN.COM
}
}   MY SIG         /^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^\          WAITING
}  CAN BEAT        !@@@@@@NUKULAR@@@@@@@@!                 4
}   UP YOUR       -------------------------            ARMAGEDIN
}    SIG           !@@@@@@@@BIFF@@@@@@@@@!          IT"LL B
}    !!!           \--------!   !--------/            AWESOME!!!!
}                           !   !
}                         ---------         THIS SPACE 4 RENT CALL BIFF
}      /\\\                 !   !               HA HA FOOLED YOU!!!
}       |||                /     \
}       /-\
}  /----/-\------------------------------------------------------------\
} | BIFF|@|AOL.DELPHI.PRODIGY.COMPU$ERVE.NETCOM.WORLD.MSN.B1FF.EDU DUDE!>
}  \----\-/------------------------------------------------------------/
}       \-/
}       |-|     BANG THE FALSE METAL HEAD THAT DUZZN"T DRINK BEER!!!
}      \///          HOT METAL TUBS RULE IN A MAJOR WAY DUDEZ!!!
}
}   __________      __________       ___________     ___________        __
}  /         /\    /         /|     /          /|   /          /|      / /
} /         /  \  /         //     /          //   /          //      / /|
} **********   /  **********/      ***********/    ***********/       ** |
} **  |____** /       **           **  |______     **  |______        ** |
} ** /      **        **           **  /     /|    **  /     /|       ** |
} **/      **/ \      **           ** /     //     ** /     //        ** |
} **********/  /      **           *********/      *********/         ** /
} **  |____** //    __**______     **  |           **  |              **/
} ** /      **/    /  **     /|    **  |           **  |              / /|
} **/      **/    /   **    //     ** /            ** /               ** /
} **********/     **********/      **/             **/                **/
}
} BIFF@BIT.NET BIFF@PSUVM.PSU.EDU BIFF@BIFFVM.BIT.NET BIFF+@ANDREW.CMU.EDU
}   B1FF@AOL.COM  B1FF@DELPHI.COM  B1FF@PRODIGY.COM  B1FF@COMU$ERVE.COM
}          B1FF@NETCOM.COM  B1FF@WORLD.STD.COM  B1FF@MCS.COM
}            B1FF@B1FFNET.FIDONET.ORG  B1FF@WELL.SF.CA.US
}              B1FF@ATHENA.MIT.EDU  B1FF@CYBER.SELL.COM
}                           BIFF@MSN.COM
}
}                     K0M1NG S00N T0 THEATREZ NEER U!!!!!!
}      _______ _______*_______ _______   _______  _______   _______ __  __
}  +. /____  //______//______//______/  /______/ /____  /  /______//_/ /_/
} `  _____/ /   __    _____ . _____   ,   __    _____/ /  ______  ____
} , / ___ _/.  / / . / ___/ '/ ___/  +.  / /   / _  __/  /  ___/ /   /
}  / /__/ | __/ /__ / / . , / /   ,  .  / /   / / \ \   /  /___ / /\ \
} /______/ /______//_/ * + /_/   *, ` ,/_/   /_/   \_\ /______//_/  \_\
}
}              FEETUR1NG THE GRATE B1FF1NSK1 AS C4PTA1N B1FF!!!!!!
}
}                    B1FF 4RUOND TH4 W3RLD!!!!!
}                                   .
}                               _--_|\
}                     P3RTH--> /      \<--SIND3Y
}                              \_.--._/
}                                    v<---B1FFSM4NIA!!!!!!!
}
}                ___                          (_)
}              _/XXX\
}             /XXXXXX\_ <-- MT. B1FF1NGT0N                 __
} __    __   /X XXXX XX\     MT. K1BO (SHORT3R    _       /XX\__      ___
}   \__/  \_/__       \ \    TH4N B1FF'Z) ----> _/X\__   /XX XXX\____/XXX\
} \  ___   \/  \_      \ \               __   _/      \_/  _/  -   __  -
} __/   \__/   \ \__     \\__           /  \_//  _ _ \  \     __  /  \____
}  __    \  /     \ \_   _//_\___     _/    //           \___/  \/     __/
} /_______\________\__\_/________\_ _/_____/_____________/_______\____/___
}                                    /|\
}                                   / | \       _____ ____
}                                  /  |  \      \    V   /
}     THE RO4D T0 B1FFN3SS!!!!    /   |   \      | R00T  |
}                                /    |    \     |  666  |     +---------+
}     ALL MUST TR4V3L 1T        /     |     \    \___ ___/     | B1FF    |
}                              /      |      \       V         | R00LZ!! |
}     SUMD4Y!!!!!!!!          /       |       \      |       o +---------+
}                            /        |        \     |      o
}                           /         |         \    |   |\__/|  .~    ~.
}                          /          |          \   |   /o=o'`./      .'
}                         /           |              |  {o__,   \    {
}                        /            |                   / .  . )    \
}                       /             |                   `-` '-' \    }
}                                     |                  .(   _(   )_.'
}                                     |                 '---.~_ _ _|


775-07    (erva7 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why do I get the feeling that xeyes is watching me?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You'd watch too if some idiot kept stabbing you in the eye with a
} pointer!
}
} I hate to say this, but sometimes a process gets to the point where you
} just have to put it to sleep.


775-08    (8gxo8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Dr. Noe <noe@sal.cs.uiuc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ?
> 1QQQ
> Q
> Q
> Q

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, yes, Number 3 in the ASCII Blot Series.  DSM-V-R says:
}
}    3.  Fetishism
}        A. Man, facing right, arms outstretched.
}           Anthropomorphism; standard response.
}        B. Woman, distended breasts.
}           Sexual fetish; oral or breast fixation (males); poor body
}           image (females).  Recommended treatment: ECT, commitment.
}        C. Cross, truncated.
}           Religious fixation; mania, persecution, martyr complex.
}           Recommended treatment: ECT, BATF.
}        D. T-Square.
}           Masonic fixation; conspiracy fetish.  Recommended treatment:
}           ECT, NWO.
}        E. Other.
}           Non-conformism, deviancy.  Recommended treatment: ECT,
}           prefrontal lobotomy.
}
} Of course, it is really a portrait of the designing psychiatrist's
} mother, who only had one arm and a poor hairdo, with one arm
} outstretched to beat the hapless child.  (The psychiatrist has since
} been committed to a padded room.)
}
} You owe the Oracle a Java implementation of the Rorschach Blot Series.


775-09    (32ipF dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> A friend of mine wrote this as his signature:
>
> GU d H s:- !g p(2) !au a-- w+ v(?)>! C++++ U? P? L 3 N+ E? K- W+(W--)
> M-- !V +po- Y++ 5-- j R G' tv b+++ D+ B- e* u(+) h! f+ r-- n- !y+
>
> What does it mean?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah -- you've stumbled on the Geek Code. This is a carefully constructed
} code some people put in their signatures to assure the world that, yes,
} they are total geeks.
}
} Each symbol in the code has a special meaning. In this way, the code is
} like a totem pole. The only difference is that you generally don't go
} around handing out a totem pole to everyone you meet.
}
} Here is a rough translation:
}
} GU         I live in Guam.
} d H        Dartmouth is inferior to Harvard.
} s:- !g     The Saxons (armed with shields and polearms) are fighting
} the
}            Geats (armed with swords).
} p(2)       Two is prime.
} !au        I don't have a gold card.
} a--        The law is an ignoramus, an a--.
} w+ v(?)>!  (The RSA encryption algorithm, in TECO)
} C++++      I can travel much faster than light.
} U? P?      I have never been to the Upper Penninsula of Michigan.
} L 3        I am a member of the L 3 Society (a group very similar in
}            goals to the L 5 Society, but much less stable).
} N+         My favorite oxidation state of nitrogen is +1.
} E?         (A subtle satire on the E! channel)
} K-         No, no, a thousand times no!
} W+(W--)    I am ambivalent about Larry Wall.
} M--        The Morse Code for M is --.
} !V         My favorite form of smoked salmon is novy.
} +po-       I may or may not be the Pope.
} Y++ 5--    Tasha Yar could kick the butts of everyone on Babylon 5.
} j R        I shot JR.
} G'         I venerate G'Quan.
} tv         I am a transvestite.
} b+++       A *big* transvestite.
} D+ B-      (Grades in French Literature and Compiler Design)
} e*         My favorite song is "Easter Parade."
} u(+) h!    Uh-huh-huh-huh! (in TECO)
} f+ r--     I may or may not be Joel Furr.
} n-         I'm just a guy who can't say n-.
} !y+        I am armed with a sword, a tire iron, and one of the giant
}          stone coins of the Yap islanders.
}
} You owe the Oracle some geeks bearing gifts.


775-10    (7hCj8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson" <AMW108@PSUVM.PSU.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, wiser than the wisest nocturnal bird of prey,
> wiser than the wisest purveyor of fried roots, and actually the
> standard by which the validity of the wisdom of the ages is measured,
> please answer me this.
>
>  What am I talking about? Why did I say that? I don't even remember
> sitting down at my keyboard. I'm not even 100% sure I *AM* sitting down
> at my keyboard. Please help!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Astute supplicant, you actually aren't sitting at your keyboard.
} You are attending an opera, and have fallen asleep in the middle
} of the second act.  Your question is merely a dream, and so I
} shall answer you with the rest of the dream, which of course has
} the opera woven into it.
}
} The Valkyrie appear.  Their usual tin breastplates and helmets
} have disappeared, and they are now clad in bikini bathing
} costumes and yarmulkes.  A slowly pulsing light gradually makes
} its presence known.  The pulses seem to be somewhat out of
} phase with the music, but eventually you realize that you were
} listening to the sound track from the movie theatre next door.
} The Valkyrie float around, levitating about 4 feet off the
} floor.  Multicolored mist swirls around them, tickling their
} toes and making them squeal.
}
} The Queen of the Night appears, even though she doesn't belong
} in this opera.  As soon as she sees the Valkyrie, she bellows
} at the top of her lungs, and shakes her trident at them.  The
} Valkyrie menace her with their AK-47 assault rifles, which have
} somehow appeared in their hands while you weren't looking.
} Major General Stanley appears with his Union Jack, defusing the
} situation.  Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz skip through the scene
} for no particular reason.
}
} The music comes to a crescendo, just as an earthquake starts
} to shake the theatre.  You are being flung back and forth in
} your seat, and side to side as well.  Just at that moment, you
} awaken to discover that the second act has just finished, and
} the usher is shaking you with a worried expression, asking if
} you need medical assistance.
}
} You owe the Oracle a libretto.


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