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Internet Oracularities #778

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778, 778-01, 778-02, 778-03, 778-04, 778-05, 778-06, 778-07, 778-08, 778-09, 778-10


Usenet Oracularities #778    (84 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 21 Sep 1995 18:14:38 -0500

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778   84 votes ajye7 akoic 5gyl8 3mEh2 36qvi 1astg 1funf 2gwp9 1bhnw 7kngi
778   3.3 mean  2.9   3.0   3.1   2.9   3.7   3.6   3.4   3.3   3.9   3.2


778-01    (ajye7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty Oracle:
>
> SPAM?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another question without a grovel?  Where *are* supplicants coming
} from these days?  Really...  Oh, well, I guess I can't expect all of
} them to know how to grovel straight out of the womb...  [The Oracle
} stops and rubs his chin in a pensive manner.]  Hmmm...  Maybe I'll
} have a chat with God and see if we can get some changes put in place
} for the next batch.  [The Oracle scribbles himself a note on a
} yellow sticky and puts it on the fridge.]  Now, on with the question!
}
} Rather a vague one...  What *did* you mean?  Oooh, I *like* a
} challenge!
}
} Hmmm...  Well, since you don't have a sandwich in your hand, I can
} assume that you aren't offering me a SPAM sandwich.  Although, I
} could do with a bite to eat about now...  [The Oracle's stomach makes
} a rather loud gurgling, growling noise.]  Oh, do *excuse* me!
}
} And since there are no vikings in the vicinity, I'll take it that you
} do not wish me to break into my earth-shattering rendition of a Monty
} Python sketch.  Quite a little number, I might add...  Oh, yes, the
} question!
}
} [The Oracle takes a closer look at the supplicant, who is decked out
} in a backpack and cycling gear, and finally sees the light.]
}
} Oh, you must have dyslexia!  I'm *terribly* sorry about the mis-
} understanding.  You can get maps to the temple and its grounds from
} the kiosk in the main foyer.  I hope you enjoy your visit to the
} temple! Oh, and watch out for the timber tossers in the main garden;
} I haven't had a chance to subdue them for the day...
}
} You owe the Oracle a four course lunch and a complete collection of
} Monty Python's Flying Circus' works on Laserdisc and CD.


778-02    (akoic dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> Is there anything you can do to make Joel Furr quit griping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Though your question's very good,
} And doesn't mention chucking wood,
} And there weren't any typos in your typing,
} I must disappoint you. I
} Can only tell you, with a sigh,
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} He is taking folks to task, me-
} Thinks, for sending in an "askme",
} When a "tellme"'s what he thinks they ought to do.
} (How should *they* know that, Joel? Why kick
} Them? These people aren't psychic,
} And it isn't mentioned in the F.A.Q.)
}
} But I think that if we weren't
} To restrict this to the current
} Source of discord, flames, and penny-ante sniping,
} But expanded our scope,
} You'd see, yourself (quite soon, I'd hope),
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} For you'd see that Joel and flaming
} Go together. (I'm not claiming
} That he's always in the wrong. That said, I *do* wish
} He'd spout off less -- he's reli'ble
} As Old Faithful. Note the "Bible"
} Tzimmis going on right now (soc.culture.jewish).)
}
} So enjoy his merry volleys
} And his jokes on the Cabal he's
} In, and maybe buy a T-shirt that he's hyping;
} But you'll never stop the Lemur
} Guy -- I swear by the Redeemer,
} That there's NOTHING that will keep Joel Furr from griping.
}
} You owe the Oracle a nice, full queue to keep Joel busy.


778-03    (5gyl8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, who knows all, sees all, and (unfortunately) smells
> all, please tell me:
>
> How did an operating system called "Quick and Dirty Operating System"
> (QDOS) ever become the standard for computers worldwide? Did Billy-Bob
> Gates put something in the drinking water?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, it all happened something like this.
}
} You know how popular the alt.(naughty 's'-word) groups are on Usenet
} news? The ones everybody reads but nobody admits to, and the Rural
} Majority thinks are an affront to America, Jesus and sliced white
} bread?  Yeah, those ones.  OK, that gives you some background.
}
} Nobody was really interested in the 'quick' part, but the 'dirty' part
} sounded so interesting that everybody went out and bought a copy, took
} it home in a brown paper wrapper, and opened it in the back room when
} the children were asleep.
}
} Naturally enough, the results weren't very titillating, but the upright
} pillars of the community were too embarrassed to take their purchases
} back and demand a real operating system.  Millions of copies were sold
} world-wide before the true nature of the scam was discovered.
}
} By that time, it was into revision 3.3 and had its foot firmly planted
} in the door.  It was no longer remotely 'Q', and to assuage Oral
} Roberts (and his brother, Rectal) the 'D' was changed to mean 'Disk'.
}
} And now -- you know -- the rest of the story.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Open VMS (har har) for the Pentium.


778-04    (3mEh2 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: engel@San-Jose.ate.slb.com (Mike Engelhardt)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello?  Can you hear me now?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:       Gen Colin Powell
} From:     Usenet Oracle School of Public Speaking
} Subject:  Lesson Number 3
}
} Gen. Powell,
}
} Your choice of "Hello?  Can you hear me now?" is a perfectly acceptable
} way to start off all of your upcoming public speaking engagements.  It
} is, of course, much more original than "Can you all hear me in the
} back?"  However, you may want to consider continuing your search for a
} snappy opening line, as your selection is often used in conjunction the
} aforementioned opening.  I suggest you strive for something more along
} the lines of "I haven't seen this many clueless people gathered in one
} place since my last appearance before the Senate."
}
} A few other things you might want to keep in mind-
}
} Always be sure to begin your speaking engagement with some type of gum
} or hard candy in your mouth.  If you're feeling particularly candid,
} you can stop your speech at about the third sentence, make a great show
} of peeling the candy off your tounge, and sticking it to the podium.
}
} If you have to pause to collect your thoughts during your speech, be
} sure to use an appropriate filler, such as "um, "ok", "aaaahhh", or
} "you know."  This will keep the audience's attention while you
} formulate your next sentence.
}
} Be sure repeat some gesture for emphasis, like moving your hand in a
} circle at every pause, or continually checking the corners of your
} mouth for that white stuff.  Also popular is the nose pull.  Use your
} thumb and forefinger to not-so-gently pull the tip of your nose.
}
} And finally,  always be sure to mutter and garble at least half of your
} speech. That way, your audience will be compelled to come back, to
} catch the parts they missed the first time.
}
} Good Luck!
}
} You owe The Oracle a pack of Juicy Fruit and "Powell in '96" button.


778-05    (36qvi dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: David BREMNER <bremner@mutt.cs.mcgill.ca>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did CNN cancel that cool Desert Storm show?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The decision was purely economical. While it got very good ratings,
} "Desert Storm" was simply too expensive to produce for an extended
} period of time, hence its eventual replacement with the long-running
} courtroom serial drama science fashion talk adventure sitcom mystery
} (in which the murderer is revealed right away, a bold move), "The
} Simpson Trial".
}
} Not only are the ratings high for this one, but it is cheap for the
} network to produce: A small ensemble cast (though some are reported to
} be rather well paid), very few location shots, and only one camera.
} When you add to that the numerous commercial breaks, spinoffs and
} cross-pollination, and huge merchandising opporunities, there's no way
} to lose.
}
} You owe the Oracle back royalties for "The Weather".


778-06    (1astg dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh marveled Oracle, whose brevity is able to out-brief all others:
>
> Once, long ago, you proclaimed brevity in the answers to the questions
> brought to you. Your orders still to this day denounce the use of
> overly long answers. Yet these days answers have been long tirades of
> information that mask the true answers to the questions being asked.
> Has the great Oracle forgotten that longer is not necessarily better?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No.
}
} You owe the Oracle, however, a little leeway in making the fee for
} answering this question a little lengthy, if the Oracle should find
} it necessary.  After all, giving things to Oracles is a long and
} distinguished tradition.  I remember back in the old days when my
} colleague at Delphi conned a certain king of Lydia into giving all
} sorts of treasures and wealth in exchange for the wonderfully ambiguous
} prophecy, "If you attack Persia, a great empire will be destroyed."
} That's classic.  Expensive, without being the least bit helpful.
} My answers, on the other hand, are an absolute bargain by contrast,
} they being both the sort of knowledge that you need to conduct your
} mortal existence, and are succint and truthful.  If you want brevity,
} you have to be willing to pay for it.  Most Supplicants seem to be
} willing to do so.  If you're one of that camp, then I believe we
} can do business.  Other Supplicans, however, never bother to ever
} produce the things which the Oracle demands of them in compensation
} for My services.  And when this happens it just throws the entire
} Oracular system off balance.  This, therefore, is why it's necessary
} to sit down like this and explain why the Oracle demands the things
} that it does.  We're not a non-profit institution here, after all.
} We have bills to pay, just like anyone else.  Oh, sure, I could just
} *ZOT* the IRS and the cashier at the WaWa Food Market, but that doesn't
} appeal to my acute Oracular sense of justice.  There, I've hit the
} nail on the head: justice.  This is the basis of paying the Oracle.
} It's only fair, after all.  The barter system seems to work out here
} in Indiana, the supplicant probably wasn't doing anything important
} with the fair maiden or Schrodinger's Cat or the thousand blonde
} jokes anyhow, so everybody's happy.  I hope I'm clear on this.


778-07    (1funf dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most great and magnificent Oracle, whose wisdom
> shines through the net like a laser through soft
> butter, please give me an answer to this question,
> which has piqued my curiosity for weeks on end.
>
> The local water company is re-lining the water pipes
> along our street.  Before they commenced this
> operation, they painted all sorts of markings on
> the roadway.  There are dashed lines in different
> colors (yellow, blue, and green), going hither
> and thither, and all the manhole covers are painted
> in these same colors.  Even more mysterious, in
> several places, the following appears (in white
> paint):
>
>      ^
>      |
>      |
>   MISS U
>    SPIN
>      |
>      |
>      V
>
> At one end of the road, also in white paint, is
> the word "LOOP".
>
> The word "SPIN" is also painted in orange on the
> back of the road construction signs, and is
> engraved on the steel boilerplates that they use
> to cover the pits in the roadway when they aren't
> working in them.
>
> Please tell me, great Oracle:  what is the meaning
> of these markings?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Little known to most people, and certainly, dear supplicant, not to
} yourself, it seems, the pipes in your area do not need re-lining.  In
} fact, the water company is not even attempting to re-line them!  What
} they *are* doing is playing an over-sized board game.
}
} The different colours are coded to indicate areas within which they
} must move, and actions that must be performed when in the area, rather
} like the scoring system for Scrabble.
}
} The game's rules are arcane and obscure, and cannot be understood by
} mortals not initiated into the sacred order of The Water Bearer.
} However, a simple explanation will probably suffice:  the object of
} the exercise is to move around the chosen neighbourhood, inflicting as
} much inconvenience to the residents as possible.  The form of
} inconvenience to be inflicted is determined by the predominant colour
} of the lines outside their residence.  For instance, the poor fools
} with a blue dotted line outside their house will have the water
} company's hoards trying to give them cold showers for duration of the
} game.
}
} The man-holes serve a similar purpose as do snakes in the common board
} game "Snakes and Ladders", except that landing on one is an advantage,
} rather than a disadvantage as you might expect.  Any participant in
} the game who lands on one must enter there, and is allowed free reign
} over any water pipes in the immediate vicinity for a period determined
} by his or her current ranking in the game.
}
} The "Miss U Spin" sign that caught your attention is one of the more
} interesting aspects to the game.  If a player fails to complete an
} assignment on a residence (eg. give the residents cold showers), then
} that player is deemed to have "missed" their assignment, and must
} "spin" the "Stop"/"Slow" sign until someone else fails a mission.
} This obviously disadvantages that player, since it prevents them from
} scoring any further points during the game.  It also explains why the
} people on the signs always seem so anxious to get off sign duty.
}
} I hope that this satiates your curiousity, supplicant, and provides
} you with the understanding you will need to endure the next few weeks
} of interrupted water supplies.
}
} You owe the Oracle a can of Coke.


778-08    (2gwp9 dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What do salmon do the rest of the year?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let's take a look at the diary of a typical
} salmon:
}
} | May 8, 1995
} |
} | 6:00.  Woke up.
} |
} | 6:32.  Saw fly.  Pursued.
} |
} | 6:34.  Caught fly.  Delicious.
} |
} | 7:25.  Saw 3 tadpoles.  Pursued.  Caught 2.  Delicious.
} |
} | 8:31.  Chased another salmon out of my territory.
} |
} | 9:25.  Saw fly.  Pursued.
} |
} | 9:26.  Jumped for fly.  Missed.
} |
} | 9:28.  Pursued fly some more, but it got away.
} |
} | 10:35. Saw swarm of gnats.  Ignored - too small.
} |
} | 10:53. Saw orange butterfly.  Ignored.  They taste nasty.
} |
} | 11:41. Saw fly floating on water.  Ate.
} |
} | 11:41:05.  OUCH!  There's a great big metal hook stuck in
} | my lip, and it's pulling me upstream.
} |
} | 11:46. Fought against the hook for 5 minutes.  Got bashed
} | against a sharp rock (ouch!) but then the hook stopped
} | trying to pull me.
} |
} | 1:18.  I still haven't figured out how to get this *$*#&$
} | hook out of my lip.  And I'm getting hungry.
} |
} | 3:35.  Bear tried to catch me.  Near miss - left ventral
} | fin torn by its claws.  Whew.
} |
} | 4:20.  Saw fly floating on water.  Ate.
}
} The diary entry ends there, but I think you get the gist of
} it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a historical novel based on the life of
} a salmon.


778-09    (1bhnw dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Most magnificent and exalted supremo of sagacity,
>       do birds ever suffer from fear of heights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, but they only really notice when they're over top of your car.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bungee-jumping lesson and some Turtle Wax.


778-10    (7kngi dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe Pettus <cep@best.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, I see you're a student of the Joel K. Furr school of Oracularities!
} You've been reading his posts on rec.humor.oracle.d, haven't you?
}
} Joel [bellowing at the top of his lungs^H^H^H^H^H keyboard]:
}   Don't you *dare* do an "Ask Me"!  It shouldn't be allowed!!
}
} Errant Supplicant [E.S.]:  But sir,...
}
} Joel:  !@#$^@% !!  Don't "But" me.  Don't you hear??  I'm IMPORTANT.
}   What I say should be LAW.  No more "Ask Me"s!
}
} E.S. :  But I didn't have a question to ask, but I felt the divine
}   inspiration of the Oracle prodding me to help other seekers!
}
} Joel [taking the Lord's name in vain for the umpteenth time]:
}   @#$()!% I don't care whose inspiration you felt!  You do not
}   have *my* permission to help anyone.  If you want to help, you
}   must also ask a  !@#)^(@$# question!  Period.
}
} E.S.:  But what about those times that I've submitted a question and
}   couldn't answer a question that I got back?  If I let it go back
}   into the queue, it would fill up if no one did "Ask Me's"
}
} Joel [roaring]: That is NOT ACCEPTABLE.  You *must* answer every
}   question that you get.  And do a good job of it.  My answers are
}   always perfect!  All my answers make the Oracularities.  ONLY
}   my answers make the Oracularities!  *I'm* always perfect!!  You
}   must strive to be like me!  !@#$&*%@$ !!
}
} E.S.:  But, sir.  My answers as in Incarnation have been in the
}   Oracularities, too.  In fact, one was just in last week...
}
} Joel:  IMPOSSIBLE!!  People who do "Ask Me"'s aren't good enough
}   to make the Oracularities.  I say so!!  I'm the one who controls
}   the Oracle.  He's but a mere pawn to me.  I'm *omniscient*!  I'm
}   *omnipotent*!  I'm... I'm omni... uh, I'm *omnivorous*!!
}
} E.S.:  But what about Steve Kinz...
}
} Joel:  Enough!!!  You *will* submit a "Tell Me" not an "Ask Me".
}   I don't want to hear another !$#$&%@ word about it.  Just submit
}   a question and do it NOW!!
}
} E.S.:  Fine.  Just fine.  Yes, sir.  I'll do that...
}
} E.S. [muttering quietly to himself] :  Yes, I'll submit a question
}   containing the entire contents of Joel's brain!  Let's see...
}
}    Mail To: Oracle@cs.indiana.edu
}    Subject: Tell Me
}
}    [EOB]
}
}  <submit>


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