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Internet Oracularities #781

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781, 781-01, 781-02, 781-03, 781-04, 781-05, 781-06, 781-07, 781-08, 781-09, 781-10


Usenet Oracularities #781    (86 votes, 3.0 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 2 Oct 1995 07:42:26 -0500

To find out all about the Usenet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   781
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

781   86 votes 6mzi5 9toj5 3nuka ehxg6 8mBc7 hlffi 4duta 7gup8 1cntl 6Era3
781   3.0 mean  2.9   2.8   3.1   2.8   2.9   3.0   3.3   3.1   3.7   2.6


781-01    (6mzi5 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you please tell some areas in the Internet about lawyers!
> Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, despite your lack of grovel, I'll be kind and give you the
} information anyway... There a number of resources on the Internet for
} discussing, flaming, and... other treatments of lawyers. Here are a few
} examples:
}
} Usenet:
} rec.pets.lizards
} alt.flame.lawyers
} rec.flame.lawyers
} news.trials.ojsimpson
} alt.fan.ito
}
} MUDs, MUCKs, MUSEs, MUSHs, and MOOs:
} LawMUD    -- You play a defendant, and fight for your life (against
}              your own lawyer)
} BriefMUCK -- Not much roleplaying here, mainly just judges gathering to
}              discuss confidential information about current cases,
}              while using aliases
} OJ MOO    -- A MOO set up primarily for the OJ Simpson jurors, to give
}              them something to do...
}
} Telnet sites:
} reptiles.sandiego-zoo.org
} judicial-branch.gov
} human-services.bar.com
}
} And if all else fails, you can speak with my lawyers, who have decided
} that it is a criminal offense to send a question to the Oracle without
} a proper grovel. The penalty is... *ZOT*
}
} You owe the Oracle an alligator briefcase, made from a real lawyer.


781-02    (9toj5 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Bill Gates cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To avoid the Department of Justice.
}
} You owe the Oracle some shares of Intuit stock, sold short right
} before the DoJ changed its mind.


781-03    (3nuka dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magical Usenet Oracle, who...who...
>
> I'm sorry...I'm too upset to grovel right now. Oracle, a "friend" of
> mine told me this morning that there's no such thing as the Oracle. He
> said that you're just a bunch of guys like us, glued together with
> some sort of computer program! Please, say it ain't so, O!
>
> I've gotta know the truth...IS there an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, stay firm!  You must have faith, even in the
} most adverse of conditions.  Pay no attention to infidels
} who try to sway you.  Believe, with all your heart, that
} I exists, and I shall exist.
}
} And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.


781-04    (ehxg6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Darkmage <IDDAVIS@vms.cis.pitt.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh do tell me, most freed from pain Oracle,
>
> Whatever happened to the people that were guinea pigs for Preparations
> A through G?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simply, to decreasing extents, they imploded.


781-05    (8mBc7 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise,
> my girlfrien fo 4yrs dumped me will she return, and if so how long
> before she does.  If she will not return will I meet someone else soon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      I regret to inform you that she will not come back to you. However
}      never fear, you will meet someone else soon. How soon depends on
}      you, but I recommend the sooner the better.
}
}      You and your Typing instructor will live veyr happily together for
}      the rest of your life.
}
}      You owe the Oracle the promise to speel cheq your mail messages
}      bafore you sed it


781-06    (hlffi dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ERROR 403 No questions in Oracular queue.
> Segmentation fault: core dumped.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!


781-07    (4duta dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wise Oracle, whose tastes cannot be challenged, who is the
> only thing that is not void where prohibited, please tell me....
>
> If you were going to war, would you rather be lead by Cap'n Crunch or
> Colonial Sanders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cap'n Crunch, of course. Colonel Sanders is too chicken.


781-08    (7gup8 dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most obsequious.
>
> Why do I keep getting "queue is getting full" responses, with
> the answers to questions I submit?  Getting slow in your old age?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer in a month or
} two.


781-09    (1cntl dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Acute Oracle, whose Verbose Ramblings never make me feel
> soporific, please tell me:
>
>    How the heck do I get a 1600 on the SAT?
>
>    My college, future, and life reside on Your nimble reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answering all the questions correctly would be a good start.  But I can
} see you need practice with certain sections on the Verbal portion...
}
} * ANALOGIES
}
} ORACLE:BRILLIANT::DOCTOR:______
}
} A. MEDICAL
} B. KNOWLEDGABLE
} C. UPSTANDING
} D. PIZZA-RELATED
}
} In working out an analogy question, the best thing to do is to make a
} sentence involving the first two words, then try to fit the third word
} and all of the answer choices into the same sentence.  In this case,
} the sentence to use is "The ORACLE answers a lot of questions that are
} anything but BRILLIANT."  Now work with the second half; you'll soon
} see that the only thing that makes sense is "The DOCTOR answers a lot
} of questions that are anything but PIZZA-RELATED."  The correct answer
} is D.
}
} * COMMA PLACEMENT
}
} The Usenet Oracle (A) one of the world's most valuable resources (B)
} has certainly zotted quite a few stupid (C) idiotic supplicants (D) who
} persist in asking questions about certain marmots.
}
} In this case, you're being asked where a comma should go.  Obviously,
} there should be a dash at both (A) and (B); at (C), "stupid" is
} describing the compound noun "idiotic supplicants"; and at (D), putting
} a comma this late in the sentence would just slow everyone down and
} probably stick ideas in their heads about asking the Oracle about
} certain marmots.  The correct answer is E, the sentence is correct as
} written.
}
} * SENTENCE COMPLETION
}
} Many supplicants find the Usenet Oracle _______; however, there are a
} few who are _________.
}
} A. witty; zotted
} B. boring; amazed
} C. weird; weird
} D. with great difficulty; smart enough to figure it out
} E. fun; Joel Furr
}
} In this example, the presence of the word "however" indicates that the
} two words filling the blanks should be opposites.  No further
} explanation should be necessary.
}
} You owe the Oracle two Number 2 pencils and a ten-minute break between
} sections.


781-10    (6Era3 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (Bill)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When oh when will the fabulous University Radio Nottingham outside
> broadcast desk be completed - and even more importantly, will it work
> tomorrow morning at our Uni's Fresher's fayre.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen well, o supplicant, to the grumblings of the omnipotent Oracle:
}
}   Radio Free Nottingham is even now being stormed by the wicked
} Sheriff, who I would surely have zotted if only you had bothered to
} grovel...
}
}   But fear not.  Your Unicorn may even yet prevail if you will simply
} run naked across campus repeating these magic words:
}   "Fresher, Fresher in the Fall, who's the fayrest of them all?"
}
}   You must, of course, partake of the sacramental suds beforehand.
}
}   You owe the Oracle a good hangover.


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