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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Could you please tell some areas in the Internet about lawyers! > Thankyou.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, despite your lack of grovel, I'll be kind and give you the } information anyway... There a number of resources on the Internet for } discussing, flaming, and... other treatments of lawyers. Here are a few } examples: } } Usenet: } rec.pets.lizards } alt.flame.lawyers } rec.flame.lawyers } news.trials.ojsimpson } alt.fan.ito } } MUDs, MUCKs, MUSEs, MUSHs, and MOOs: } LawMUD    -- You play a defendant, and fight for your life (against }              your own lawyer) } BriefMUCK -- Not much roleplaying here, mainly just judges gathering to }              discuss confidential information about current cases, }              while using aliases } OJ MOO    -- A MOO set up primarily for the OJ Simpson jurors, to give }              them something to do... } } Telnet sites: } reptiles.sandiego-zoo.org } judicial-branch.gov } human-services.bar.com } } And if all else fails, you can speak with my lawyers, who have decided } that it is a criminal offense to send a question to the Oracle without } a proper grovel. The penalty is... *ZOT* } } You owe the Oracle an alligator briefcase, made from a real lawyer.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why did Bill Gates cross the road?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To avoid the Department of Justice. } } You owe the Oracle some shares of Intuit stock, sold short right } before the DoJ changed its mind.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O magical Usenet Oracle, who...who... > > I'm sorry...I'm too upset to grovel right now. Oracle, a "friend" of > mine told me this morning that there's no such thing as the Oracle. He > said that you're just a bunch of guys like us, glued together with > some sort of computer program! Please, say it ain't so, O! > > I've gotta know the truth...IS there an Oracle?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant, stay firm!  You must have faith, even in the } most adverse of conditions.  Pay no attention to infidels } who try to sway you.  Believe, with all your heart, that } I exists, and I shall exist. } } And pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh do tell me, most freed from pain Oracle, > > Whatever happened to the people that were guinea pigs for Preparations > A through G?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Quite simply, to decreasing extents, they imploded.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, > my girlfrien fo 4yrs dumped me will she return, and if so how long > before she does.  If she will not return will I meet someone else soon

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}      I regret to inform you that she will not come back to you. However }      never fear, you will meet someone else soon. How soon depends on }      you, but I recommend the sooner the better. } }      You and your Typing instructor will live veyr happily together for }      the rest of your life. } }      You owe the Oracle the promise to speel cheq your mail messages }      bafore you sed it

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> ERROR 403 No questions in Oracular queue. > Segmentation fault: core dumped.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mighty and wise Oracle, whose tastes cannot be challenged, who is the > only thing that is not void where prohibited, please tell me.... > > If you were going to war, would you rather be lead by Cap'n Crunch or > Colonial Sanders?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Cap'n Crunch, of course. Colonel Sanders is too chicken.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, most obsequious. > > Why do I keep getting "queue is getting full" responses, with > the answers to questions I submit?  Getting slow in your old age?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle is pondering your question. Expect an answer in a month or } two.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>    O Acute Oracle, whose Verbose Ramblings never make me feel > soporific, please tell me: > >    How the heck do I get a 1600 on the SAT? > >    My college, future, and life reside on Your nimble reply.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Answering all the questions correctly would be a good start.  But I can } see you need practice with certain sections on the Verbal portion... } } * ANALOGIES } } ORACLE:BRILLIANT::DOCTOR:______ } } A. MEDICAL } B. KNOWLEDGABLE } C. UPSTANDING } D. PIZZA-RELATED } } In working out an analogy question, the best thing to do is to make a } sentence involving the first two words, then try to fit the third word } and all of the answer choices into the same sentence.  In this case, } the sentence to use is "The ORACLE answers a lot of questions that are } anything but BRILLIANT."  Now work with the second half; you'll soon } see that the only thing that makes sense is "The DOCTOR answers a lot } of questions that are anything but PIZZA-RELATED."  The correct answer } is D. } } * COMMA PLACEMENT } } The Usenet Oracle (A) one of the world's most valuable resources (B) } has certainly zotted quite a few stupid (C) idiotic supplicants (D) who } persist in asking questions about certain marmots. } } In this case, you're being asked where a comma should go.  Obviously, } there should be a dash at both (A) and (B); at (C), "stupid" is } describing the compound noun "idiotic supplicants"; and at (D), putting } a comma this late in the sentence would just slow everyone down and } probably stick ideas in their heads about asking the Oracle about } certain marmots.  The correct answer is E, the sentence is correct as } written. } } * SENTENCE COMPLETION } } Many supplicants find the Usenet Oracle _______; however, there are a } few who are _________. } } A. witty; zotted } B. boring; amazed } C. weird; weird } D. with great difficulty; smart enough to figure it out } E. fun; Joel Furr } } In this example, the presence of the word "however" indicates that the } two words filling the blanks should be opposites.  No further } explanation should be necessary. } } You owe the Oracle two Number 2 pencils and a ten-minute break between } sections.

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> When oh when will the fabulous University Radio Nottingham outside > broadcast desk be completed - and even more importantly, will it work > tomorrow morning at our Uni's Fresher's fayre.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Listen well, o supplicant, to the grumblings of the omnipotent Oracle: } }   Radio Free Nottingham is even now being stormed by the wicked } Sheriff, who I would surely have zotted if only you had bothered to } grovel... } }   But fear not.  Your Unicorn may even yet prevail if you will simply } run naked across campus repeating these magic words: }   "Fresher, Fresher in the Fall, who's the fayrest of them all?" } }   You must, of course, partake of the sacramental suds beforehand. } }   You owe the Oracle a good hangover.