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Internet Oracularities #783

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Usenet Oracularities #783    (95 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 6 Oct 1995 00:10:39 -0500

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   783
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

783   95 votes 6hFla 3nrnj 8tEc6 bnyha 5pvig 5fnzh 49jAr 8gmxg knoia 02jyE
783   3.3 mean  3.1   3.3   2.8   2.9   3.2   3.5   3.8   3.3   2.7   4.2


783-01    (6hFla dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What wine should I serve with dinner Friday night?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is not as difficult as it might seem, however there are a few
} rules which you must follow:
}
} 1.  Never select a wine bottle with a cork. You don't know where that
} cork has been. Also, cork is very difficule to sterilize. Cleanliness
} is next to Oracleness, etc.
}
} 2.  Choose a bottle which has been sealed by using a screw-on cap. The
} metal caps are easily kept very clean. See notation #1 above. Also, the
} bouquet from a screw-on cap is something wonderful to behold. Take my
} word, your nose will thank you for this!
}
} 3.  Look for the words "muscatel" or "sulfite" on the label. You might
} have to look in the fine print on the back of the bottle, but trust me,
} these are key words and indicate a wine which is known as the "rascal
} of the vineyards."
}
} 4.  If in doubt, check with the clerk of the liquor store or 7-11 where
} you normally shop.  These people, especially the all-night clerks, are
} a vast font of knowledge. Just tell the clerk that you want a wine
} which is "absurb yet flacid."
}
} Follow these rules, my supplicant, and your dinner cannot go wrong. The
} choice of the correct wine can improve even the most vapid of meals.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bottle of 1967 "Pagan Pink" by Ripple.


783-02    (3nrnj dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hmmm.  I'd better get out my magnifying glass to read this one.
}
} #
}  #
}   #
}    #  .. . . . .. . .. .. .
}   #
}  #
} #
}
} Yes, there's definitely a message here, but it's still too small
} to make out.  Let me dig out the microscope.
}
} #
} ##
} ###
} ####
} #####
} ######
} #######
} ########
} #########
} ##########
}  ##########
}   ##########
}    ##########
}     ##########
}      ##########
}       ##########
}        ##########
}         ##########
}          ##########
}           ########## Where can I find picutres of Marina Sirtis nude?
}          ##########
}         ##########
}        ##########
}       ##########
}      ##########
}     ##########
}    ##########
}   ##########
}  ##########
} ##########
} #########
} ########
} #######
} ######
} #####
} ####
} ###
} ##
} #
}
} <sigh>  Billy, does your daddy know you're using his Internet account?
} Oh, he does?  OK, well in that case, here's the URL to start from for
} some wonderful GIFs, collected and preserved by Ye Inner Circle of
} alt.fan.warlord:
}
}   http://zucchini.cs.adelaide.edu.au:2112/ic-1.html
}
} You owe the Oracle a computer monitor with a built-in magnifier.


783-03    (8tEc6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@AZStarNet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> bronte

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For goodness sake, mortal!  I'm an *ORACLE*, not a WebCrawler.  There
} are three significant differences:
}
}     1.  You need to grovel to me
}     2.  You're supposed to ask me tricky questions
}     3.  You stand pretty even chances of getting *ZOT*ed for failing
}         the previous two pre-conditions.
}
} But it's Tuesday (and we all know what happens on *Tuesdays*, right?)
} and I'm in a good mood anticipating it, so I'll do what I can to help
} you:
}
} ORACLE: Hey, Web guy.
} WEBCRAWLER: Yo.
} O: Umm... Got a newbie here.  Wants to know something about "bronte".
}    Anything on your books?
} W: Hmmm.....
} O: Twiddle dee, twiddle doo...
} W: Ahem.  The information your supplicant required is as follows:
}
} > [http://www.ozemail.com.au/~dallet]
} >
} >                 The Bronte Surf Report
} >
} >                    Monday 25th September 1995
} >
} > The rain continues. The surf is small, inconsistent and onshore. At
} > eight o'clock there was not a surfer in sight. The water temperature
} > is sixteen degrees Celsius. The rain is expected to clear in the
} > afternoon and the air temperature is expected to reach nineteen
} > degrees Celsius.
}
} O: Thanks.
}
} So there you go supplicant!  I'll bet you thought I was going to
} get the wrong "bronte" and tell you something stupid about an author,
} didn't you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a new surf-board and a ticket to Bells Beach.


783-04    (bnyha dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@AZStarNet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Greatest Oracle, whose wisdom makes the Stright Dope look like Ask
> Marilyn, please tell me: is Ed Zotti really Cecil Adams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Is a pig really a hog? Is Velveeta really cheese? Is a nor'easter
} really from the northeast? Is Patrick Stewert really straight? Is
} Richard Kostelanetz really a poet? Is meat really murder? Is Bill Gates
} really Satan? Is the price really right? Is Elvis really dead? Is
} Thomas Pynchon really William Gaddis? Is 'to be or not to be' really
} the question? Is life really a bowl of cherries? Is Florida really a
} good place to store old people? Is Istanbul really not Constantinople?
} Is Finnegans Wake really unreadable? Is 1+1 really 2? Is serialism
} really an extension of late romanticism? Is death really the end? Is
} this response really annoying?
}
} Is what you owe the Oracle really thanks for not touching Ed *___*ti's
} last name?


783-05    (5pvig dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@AZStarNet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>     Oh wise and omnipotent oracle, who knows a heck of a lot more than
> my professors even claim, and is tough enough to mess anybody up on a
> moment's notice, please give this humble supplicant an answer to this
> question.
>
>     What does Salvidor Dali's Crucifixtion painting (the one with the
> hypercube) say about the political state of the upper class in the
> cities of Nepal?  What bearing does this have on his image of the
> ultimate fate of mankind?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Let's go straight to the source and find out. [The Oracle waves his
} hands, and in an instant both Orrie and the Supplicant are standing in
} front of Dali's famous crucifixion painting.]
}
} Oracle: "Well, what do you say about the political state of the upper
} class in the cities of Nepal? What bearing does this have on Dali's
} image of the ultimate fate of mankind?"
}
} [Long pause.]
}
} Oracle: "WELL?"
}
} Supplicant [looking around nervously]: "Uh...m-me?"
}
} Oracle [annoyed]: "No, not YOU--I was talking to the PAINTING! Sheesh,
} you wanted to know what the PAINTING said, didn't you?"
}
} Supplicant: "Well, yes, but--"
}
} Oracle: "--SHHHHHHHH! It's about to say something!"
}
} Supplicant [surprised]: "Huh?" [Stares fixedly at painting, as if
} waiting for it to speak.]
}
} [Long pause. The Supplicant starts to shift restlessly, but keeps his
} eyes on the painting. Eventually he glances at the Oracle, as if
} waiting for an explanation.]
}
} Oracle: "Tell you what. This might take a while. You wait here until it
} says something. I'll be back in a while."
}
} [The Oracle waves his hands, and in an instant the Supplicant is left
} alone with the painting.]
}
} --You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the painting said. Sorry I
} wasn't able to be there.


783-06    (5fnzh dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most wise Oracle, keeper of the knowledge, and wielder of the Staff
> of *Zot*,
> please tell me if there will ever be Peace on Earth?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} There already has been peace on Earth.  Unfortunately, then humans came
} along to ruin everything.
}
} You owe the Oracle a mass extinction.


783-07    (49jAr dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Panzer <stenor@pcnet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Freedom!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Finally deleted Windows95 from your hard drive, eh?


783-08    (8gmxg dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Where can I move where it's warm, people aren't fighting each other,
> and there are no conservatives?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Womb.


783-09    (knoia dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle Whose Wisdom Exceeds that of Plato, Aristotle, Kant,
> Pascal and Wittgenstein combined,
>
> Can you prove that there is a God?
>
> Can you prove that there is NO God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Loyal follower, there is a 'God' - O.J. was aquitted.
}           -also-
} There is NO God - O.J. was aquitted.


783-10    (02jyE dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@AZStarNet.com>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and wonderful oracle tell me:
>
> Does it snow in Australia?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A comparison between the rest of the world and Australia:
}
} Rest of world                        Australia
} -------------                        ------------
} Cold in North                        Cold in South
} Winter in January                    Winter in July
} Prince of Wales is a Prince          Prince of Wales is an island
} Prince Edward is an island           Prince Edward is a Prince
} Christmas in Winter                  Christmas in Summer
} Halifax on Atlantic Ocean            Halifax on Pacific Ocean
} Water drains clockwise               Water drains anti-clockwise
} Fosters is imported                  Fosters is domestic
} Victoria is 49 deg. North            Victoria is 37 deg. South
} North Star guides sailors            Sailors get lost
} Blacks play basketball               Blacks 4 feet tall
} Wales is South of Newcastle          Newcastle in New South Wales
}
} So anyway, the answer to your question is yes, it does snow in
} Australia.  It's just that it's warm snow and it falls up.
}
} You owe the Oracle a compass that points South.  G'day, mate.


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