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18 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 23:16:26 GMT

Internet Oracularities #834

Goto:
834, 834-01, 834-02, 834-03, 834-04, 834-05, 834-06, 834-07, 834-08, 834-09, 834-10


Internet Oracularities #834    (148 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 18 May 1996 08:20:11 -0500 (EST)

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on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
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   834
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

834  148 votes FyIja nPSh3 gmLCp 6gRUh brIJl gzBvt nLEu8 cCSue wDIp8 67hy*
834   3.1 mean  2.5   2.5   3.2   3.4   3.3   3.1   2.7   3.0   2.6   4.2


834-01    (FyIja dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Please tell me how I become Rich

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} lots of hormones.
}
} you owe the oracle a good hard look at your sexuality.


834-02    (nPSh3 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Rich McGee <rmcgee@wiley.csusb.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the best way to control tartar?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Use very small measuring spoons.  Cream of tartar is powerful
} stuff, and you don't want to get too much of it in the sauce.
} If you have a 1/8 teaspoon measure, that's probably the best
} one; otherwise use the 1/4 teaspoon, and measure very carefully.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fish sticks.


834-03    (gmLCp dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: forbes@ihlpf.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mountain grown Oracle, good to the last drop and oh so perky, please
> help me.  I stayed up way too late last night and now I'm at work, and
> I'm way too drowsy to get my work done.  The coffee doesn't seem to be
> strong enough this morning.  Is there anything I could do to alter my
> coffee to enhance the effect of the caffeine?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What fools you mortals be! The idea that caffeine is actually a
} chemical floating around in that murky, brown soup you call "coffee"
} causes no end of amusement to all of us who view you from above.
} Caffeine is actually a force of the universe, a corollary of the
} accident of relativity that you poor one-dimensional beings crudely
} call "time." You see, "time" is nothing more than an interface between
} your sensory organs and the swirling world of experience. When your
} metabolism is low, time is sluggish and swampy. Your senses abrade
} against experience, much like when you try to drive with the emergency
} brake on, and you feel sleepy: your eyes want to close, your mind
} wanders, and so forth. Over time, then, you hominids have developed all
} sorts of rituals for giving your metabolism that little turbo-boost
} that re-synchs it with reality. A little while ago <on my time scale>
} it was a bonk on the head with a club. Then it became a lash across the
} back with a whip <usually reserved for serfs.> Today, of course, you
} brew a horrible beverage that stains your teeth, strains your heart,
} sends you to the bathroom over and over again, and you smugly nod to
} one another about the joys of "caffeine." Poor deluded sap! Don't you
} know that "caffeine" is nothing more than the equation that describes
} acceleration of senses versus experience? Here are a few sample
} problems:
}
} GIVEN: You, a huge lecture hall, an interminable lecture on the history
}        of lederhosen embroidery commemorating eighteenth-century Slovak
}        knockwurst festivals.
}
} FACTOR IN: Three cans of Diet Coke and a Snickers bar.
}
} CAFFEINE EFFECT: n = 2. Over a period of minutes, you will pass from a
}                  slouched posture and state of semiconsciousness to an
}                  upright stance. A noticeable buzzing will overlay all
}                  of your thoughts, but you will be capable of
}                  simulating attentiveness. Note that the acceleration
}                  of your consciousness is twelve percent sugar, four
}                  percent protein, one percent oral gratification from
}                  the chocolate, and only eighty-four percent caffeine.
}
} GIVEN: You, bumper-to-bumper traffic, nothing on the radio but farm
}        reports about the proper pesticide to use on that new rapeseed
}        aphid.
}
} FACTOR IN: A thermos full of lukewarm coffee and a person behind you
}            who honks at random intervals.
}
} CAFFEINE EFFECT: n = a sine wave described by an equation so long that
}                  it would exceed the width of this window. You
}                  oscillate back and forth from coma to hyperawake.
}                  Here, it is important to note that the caffeine's
}                  contribution to the Caffeine Effect is negligible
}                  compared to the stimulus of deafening noise.
}
} GIVEN: You, a small office cubicle, a recording of four violins and an
}        oboe playing a John Denver medley humming out of the speaker
}
} FACTOR IN: One militia person who has mistaken your office for a
}            federal building.
}
} CAFFEINE EFFECT: For one split-second, infinite. Note that the equation
}                  lacks caffeine altogether.
}
} So forget about pouring money into Colombian druglords' petty cash fund
} by slurping down that foul-tasting puddle of acidic bean-squeezings
} every morning. All you need is a good jolt of sensory input to
} jump-start your brain.
}
} You owe the Oracle a twelve-pack of Jolt. Man, that stuff's good.


834-04    (6gRUh dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O HTML3-compliant Oracle,
>
> Everytime I tell people that they should use standard HTML and
> not Netscape's nonstandard extensions, I get flamed mercilessly.
> How can I convince people that stardards are a good thing and
> Netscape is evil?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} ERROR: QUESTION DOES NOT CONFORM TO OQSL3 STANDARDS.  CORRECT AND
} RESUBMIT.
}
} Dear Supplicant:
}
} Your question does not conform to the Oracular Question Submission
} Language level 3 standard because of one or more construction errors
} in the grovel, as indicated.
}
} Your grovel was rejected because it
}
} ___  Was nonexistent
} ___  Was placed after the question
} _X_  Was perfunctory
} ___  Was insulting
} ___  Was incomprehensible or pretentious
} ___  Was excessively long and/or pointless
} ___  Was expressed sarcastically
} ___  Contained one or more spelling or grammar errors
} ___  Was all upper case
} ___  Contained offensive language or was excessively violent
} ___  Referred to woodchucks, lemurs or "Star Trek"
} ___  Addressed the Oracle as "Orrie"
} _X_  Implied the Oracle was a software construct rather than a
}      living god
} _X_  Was hopelessly geeky
} ___  Was `#include "grovel.h"'
} ___  Was funnier than any possible answer to the question
}
} While it might have been possible to answer your question despite
} the error(s) listed above, the Oracle feels that adherance to
} standards is very important, and accordingly requires a properly
} constructed question.  (While some would go so far as to call
} your disdain for standards evil, the Oracle feels non-judgmental
} today, and will assume you were merely lazy and/or careless.)
} Please submit a corrected question at your earliest convenience.


834-05    (brIJl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: cierhart@mail.ic.net (Otis Viles)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> % man Lisa

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} LISA(1)                                                   LISA(1)
}
} NAME
}      lisa
}
} SYNOPSIS
}      lisa [ -afgt ]
}
} DESCRIPTION
}      Performs any or all of Lisa's duties and services of which you
}      may be in need.
}
} OPTIONS
}      -a --answer Oracularities
}           Answers incoming Oracularities for you. (Use Ctrl-Z to
}           override program and *ZOT* supplicant.)
}
}      -f --flirt mode
}           Flirts in typical Lisa style by printing (to stdout) one
}           of the following phrases:
}
}             "Orrie! Come to bed!"
}             "Mmmm, smother me with hot fudge and lick it off!"
}             "Turn off that silly computer and turn me on instead!"
}             "Orrie, do you think my breasts are too large?"
}             "You sexy omniscient thing you!"
}
}      -g --groom
}           Grooms self (preens when finished).
}
}      -t --tease
}           Teases supplicants with one of the following phrases:
}
}             "Oh, you're such a nerd! Get a life!"
}             "Sorry, Orrie can't come to the computer right now! :-)"
}             "You'd like a GIF of me naked? In your dreams!"
}             "When I'm with Orrie, I'm really thinking of you."
}
} SEE ALSO
}      woodchuck, zot
}
} BUGS
}      The --tease option should not be used on anyone from the .edu
}      domain, otherwise you may be in violation of the Communications
}      Decency Act.


834-06    (gzBvt dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, who sees all, knows all, hears all, feels all, fears
> none, and bows to none, please answer my question.  Does it seem like
> you are getting an especially stupid batch of questions today?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} For the FOURTEENTH time, *YES*!


834-07    (nLEu8 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: "Carole S. Fungaroli" <carole@email.unc.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
> I have been chasing this blasted Road Runner (Extremelius Fastus) for
> years without any success, I have tried everything from ACME rockets,
> ACME bird seed poison EVERYTHING! What can I do? Uh Oh! I see a rock on
> the top of this cliff beginning to fall................CRASH!!!!!!!!!
> Ooh my head hurts!
> Please help and soon,
> Thanks,
>
> Wiley Coyote
> (Extremelius Hungrius).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Set your modem speed to 2400 baud, fire up Netscape, and point it
} at any junior high school kid's home page.  THAT ought to slow
} him down some.


834-08    (cCSue dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most perspicacious, what are the top 10 signs that computer
> science has taken over one's life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} 1.   You talk to your computer as though it were another person.
} 2.   You consider internet sex better than the real thing.
} 3.   You write more than ten replies to the oracle on any given day.
} 4.   You leave your house, and after a minute's worth of squinting at
} the sunlight which you haven't seen in ages, you feel like going back
} inside and using your computer again.
} 5.   The only thing you go out for is to buy floppy disks or to attend
} weekly Star Trek fan club meetings.
} 6.   You have a nervous breakdown when your computer isn't working
} properly ( if you have Windows, then you'll probably commit suicide to
} save from the suffering!!!).
} 7.   You get a strange craving for woodchuck stew or spam.
} 8.   There are telltale indentations made in the keys of your keyboard
} from intensive usage.
} 9.   You refuse to do anything unassociated with computers (i.e. go to
} bathroom, sex, eat...)
} 10.  You are the oracle.
}
}    You owe the oracle a list of the top ten reasons why top ten lists
} drive the oracle insane!!!


834-09    (wDIp8 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
> :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} So you are happy! I am glad to see that. Just wait until the labor
} pains start and you won't be so happy.
}
} You owe it to the Oracle to marry your trainer. Lots of kids will copy
} whatever you do Madonna.


834-10    (67hy* dist, 4.2 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@BEST.COM>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Tell me, oh wise, magnificent, splendid, too-cool-for-words,
> always-in-thright-place-at-the-right-time Oracle:
>
> What if Data (from Star Trek Next Generation) were Microsoft Windows
> compatible?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} WORF:  Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
}
} PICARD:  On screen.
}
} [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each
} only a single pixel wide.]
}
} PICARD:  Data, what's wrong here?
}
} DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video
} memory to display an image of this size.  May I suggest that you select
} a lower resolution?
}
} PICARD:  Make it so.
}
} [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square
} pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan
} warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space
} Invaders.]
}
} PICARD:  Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
}
} DATA:  Aye, sir.
}
} [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over,
} and places it on the console in front of him.  He punches some buttons
} on the console and sits motionless for several seconds.  A flash of
} light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
}
} WORF:  Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
}
} PICARD:  Shields up!
}
} DATA:  I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} PICARD: What on earth do you mean?  Data, this is *important*!  I want
} those shields up *right now*.
}
} DATA:  I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your
} last instruction.  I must ask you to wait until I have finished before
} you issue your next command.
}
} LAFORGE:  Allow me, captain.  [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data.
}
} [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the
} floor.]
}
} DATA:  The Romulans are not responding to my hails.  Press my nose to
} cancel and return to Windows.  Pull my left ear to close this
} communications channel which is not responding.  You will lose any
} information sent by the Romulans.
}
} [LaForge pulls Data's left ear.]
}
} PICARD:  Shields...
}
} [There is a tremendous explosion.  The bridge shakes violently, and all
} the crew members are thrown to the floor.  A shower of sparks erupts
} from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away
} from the console.]
}
} PICARD:  Up, Data!
}
} DATA:  Aye, sir.
}
} RIKER:  All decks, damage report!
}
} WORF:  Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured.  He appears to be
} unconscious.
}
} [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and
} punches some more buttons.  He waits a few seconds, then puts the
} hourglass back on the floor.]
}
} DATA:  Shields are now up, captain.
}
} PICARD:  And not a moment too soon.  Worf, lock all phasers on the lead
} Romulan ship.
}
} WORF:  Aye, sir.  [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
}
} PICARD:  Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
}
} DATA:  I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver
} installed for that console.
}
} PICARD:  Well, damn it, install the right one.
}
} DATA:  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
}
} PICARD:  Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants?
}
} RIKER:  I left them with Geordi.
}
} LAFORGE:  [in a surprised voice] What!!?  I thought you still had them!
}
} PICARD:  Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal
} memory?
}
} DATA:  Not found, sir.  Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right
} nostril.
}
} PICARD:  Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1.
}
} DATA:  Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD:  Abort!
}
} DATA:  Not ready reading right nostril.  Abort, Retry, Fail?
}
} PICARD:  Well, fail, then!
}
} DATA:  Current nose is no longer valid.
}
} [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons.  The ship
} lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side
} of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming
} from somewhere else in the ship.]
}
} LAFORGE:  [alarmed]  Data, what the hell are you doing?
}
} PICARD:  Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
}
} RIKER:  Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold
} for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone.  And that person
} wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model.  She specialized
} in industrial control robots.
}
} [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all
} the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt.  After a
} few seconds, the red emergency lights come on.  Data is standing by the
} console, absolutely motionless.]
}
} PICARD:  What's going on?
}
} LAFORGE:  [checking the helm console]  Lieutenant Data has caused a
} General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
}
} PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do
} anything with them.
}
} [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in
} full battle dress materialize on the bridge.  A seventh figure, a
} Ferengi, appears moments later.]
}
} FERENGI:  [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh,
} Captain?
}
} You owe the Oracle a little model of the Enterprise, with an "Intel
} Inside" sticker on it.


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