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20 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 18:28:56 GMT

Internet Oracularities #840

Goto:
840, 840-01, 840-02, 840-03, 840-04, 840-05, 840-06, 840-07, 840-08, 840-09, 840-10


Internet Oracularities #840    (109 votes, 2.9 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 27 Jun 1996 08:18:41 -0500 (EST)

To find out all about the Internet Oracle, including how to participate,
send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject
line.

Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   840
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

840  109 votes iJue2 9spxe 9Czk7 istq8 54bo* hmAig xDjd5 9zDk6 dGwi4 6mAyb
840   2.9 mean  2.4   3.1   2.8   2.8   4.3   2.9   2.2   2.8   2.6   3.2


840-01    (iJue2 dist, 2.4 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Venerated Oracle, furry and wise:
>
> I'm taking three or four weeks off between jobs.  What should I do with
> this time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I'm not very good at telling people what to do.  I can, however, tell
} you what NOT to do:
}
} 1.  Don't get involved in any Arkansas land deals
} 2.  Don't say "Hi" to a pilot named "Jack"
} 3.  Don't  try to hang indoor Christmas lights outside during a
}     rain/snow fall
} 4.  Don't pull the tag off of your mattress; and,
} 5.  Don't  write a bank withdrawl request on the back of a napkin


840-02    (9spxe dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Bill McMillan" <billm@aero.gla.ac.uk>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Are you sleeping, are you sleeping, brother James, brother James?
> Morning bells are ringing, morning bells are ringing! Ding dong ding!
> Ding dong ding!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Awright, recruits! Line UP! You're here for Advanced Monk Training,
} y'hear!
}
} What a sorry mess o'meat we have here. It's a shame, a real shame.
}
} Friar, look at this. Do you see what they're sending us these days,
} tryin' to pass for holy men?
}
} Listen UP! You're here at Camp Job for Advanced Monk Training.
} When you signed up, you thought you were going to be spending time
} contemplating the infinite and saying Mass, didn't you? Well, it's not
} going to be that way.  You're here for two things: flagellating your
} butt off, and praying 'til your ears bleed. For the next six weeks,
} I'm gonna be your worst nightmare, kicking you around the compound,
} treating you like a sinner with an attitude.
}
} You! Yes, you there. What's your name. Speak UP! Augustine, huh?
} What do you call this, Augustine? It looks like one of them pagers.
} Is that what it is? I said, is THAT what it IS, monk? Do you keep a
} pager in your pocket at Camp Job? Awright, monk, drop down and give
} me fifty Hail Marys.
}
} Hey, you! Are you sniffling, monk? I can't HEAR you! Where you
} from?  You know, there's never been a good saint that comes out
} of Californ-ee-AY, not since Santa Barbara. Do you know what we
} get from Californ-ee-AY these days, son? I can't HEAR you! We get
} nothin' but sinners. You a sinner, boy?  Are you callin' me a liar?
} You know what we do with sinners in the camp? We put 'em through
} the Confessional. That's it, right over there. You don't want that,
} do you boy? All right... Run around the Confessional three times,
} then come back and heal the sick. What are you standing here for?
} Go, go, go!
}
} Okay. The rest of you, hook up these generators to the stationary
} bicycles and pedal like hell. The Abbott needs to take his Laptop
} Bible out into the field in another six hours, and the batteries are
} totally drained.
}
} You owe the Oracle flat feet and poor eyesight.


840-03    (9Czk7 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Mmmmf mmmmmmmmmf mf mmmmmf mmf mmf:
>
> Mmf mmmm mmf mmf mm mmmmmf!
> Mmmmmmf mmmf mmf mf mmm mmmmmmmmf?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I am not sure that being described as "almost better than a whole
} pocketfull of slugs" is necessarily a compliment, but I will answer
} your question despite this unusual, though rather unique grovel.
}
} In short, No, it is not possible for an Oracular answer to be
} misdirected.  All of my answers are promptly and accurately
} attached to the original questions and are carefully delivered
} to the supplicant who made the request.
}
} While I used to do this personally, I have some time ago obtained
} a number of Oracular Slaves^H^H^H^H^H^H Priests to perform this task
} on my behalf.  These loving and dedicated Priests work hard twenty-
} four hours every day, seven days every week, to ensure that you
} receive the best possible Oracular service.  They are quite aware
} that if any Priest ever makes even a single mistake they will all be
} slowly and painfully tortured to death. ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
} ^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^H
} ^H^H will all be severly reprimanded.
}
} Also, because I am omniscient, I will know about any mistake the
} moment that it happens.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new load of Priests.


840-04    (istq8 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What is Stonehenge?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} What is it with supplicants these days?  Have you not read the rules?
} You are supposed to GROVEL before asking a question!!  I will answer
} this one, but you will get better results from The Oracle if you grovel
} first.  You may even avoid getting ZOTted.
}
} Stonhenge is a bunch of rocks.  Someone arranged these rocks into a
} pattern, the reason for which mortals can only speculate.  Being the
} omniscient critter that I am, I know why, of course.  But you didn't
} ask why, only what.  And I'm not going to give information for free
} until you learn to GROVEL!
}
} You owe The Oracle one of those rocks.  By Federal Express.


840-05    (54bo* dist, 4.3 mean)
Selected-By: "Backitis, Frank J. Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> programs/spam/questionspam> qspam
>
> /---\ |   | ----- /---- ----- ----- /---\ |   |
> |   | |   | |     |       |     |   |   | |\  |
> |   | |   | ----- \---\   |     |   |   | | \ |
> |  \| |   | |         |   |     |   |   | |  \|
> \---\ \---/ ----- ----/   |   ----- \---/ |   |
>
>  **** ****   ***  *   *
> *     *   * *   * ** **
>  ***  ****  ***** * * *
>     * *     *   * *   *
> ****  *     *   * *   *
>
> v1.0
> (c)1996 Hormelized Technologies
>
>
> Target of spam:  The Internet Oracle <oracle@cs.indiana.edu>
>
> Are you sure that you wish this person to recieve spam (y/n):  y
>
> WARNING:  You are spamming an omniscient, omnipotent being.  Do you wish
> to continue (y/n):  y
>
> Reading spam files.................................DONE
> Reading question building algorithms....................................
> .............................................................DONE
> Building questions......................................................
> ........................DONE
> Initializing SpamMailer(tm)............DONE
>
> There are five seconds left before the spam will be sent.  You may press
> ^C during these seconds to cancel.
>
> 5.....4.....3.....2.....1.....0
>
> Beginning spam now.
>
> Who?  What?  Where?  When?  Why?  How?  How much?  How little?
> Why not?  Who else?  So?  Who cares?  Why would they?  Why wouldn't
> they?  What is the meaning of life?  Do you know?  How come?  What do
> you mean?  Why do you say that?  Why would they say that?  Why would I
> say that?  Why wouldn't you?  Why can't anyone?  Can you?  Would you?
> Would you eat green eggs and ham?  Why me?  Why anyone?  What did
> they say?  How could you?  How could anyone?  How would anyone?
> Could there be?  Should I say so?  Which is better?  What is best?
> Is that so?  Where were you?  Who were you?  What are you?  When can
> you?  Can you get there?  Can you get here?  When can you get there?
> When can you get here?  What's the answer?  What's the question?
> Please?  What is it?  How much was it?  What does it do?  Where did
> you get it?  How does it work?  Why can't I have it?  Why are you
> giving it to me?  Why aren't you giving it to me?  What reason could
> there be?  Do we need a reason?  Do I need a reason?  Do I need one?
> What do I need?  What might I need?  What would I need?  What would
> I want?  What might I want?  Can I afford it?  Can I afford to?
> Can they afford to?  What can I afford?  Can they do that?  Who would
> let them?  Why would they let them?  Could they let them?  Why won't
> they let me?  Can they let me?  Why am I?  How are you?  Who is he?
> Why is he?  How is he?  Where is she?  Why doesn't she?  Do you
> like it?  Do they like it?  Would they like it?  Why don't I like it?
> Might anyone like it?  Could anyone not like it?  What's for dinner?
> Why can't I have something different?  Why do I have to finish it?
> Why can't I have dessert?  Can I have the steak?  Can I have it
> medium rare?  Can I go there?  Can you go there?  Can I take you?
> Can you take me?  Can we carpool?  Why can't we carpool?  Why won't
> you carpool?  How can you carpool?  Why do you put up with this?
> Who else puts up with this?  How can you put up with this?  Why don't
> you put up with it?  Why can't you put up with it?  Are you sick?
> Am I sick?  Is it contagious?  Is it serious?  Are you serious?
> Was he really joking?  Do you think I'm joking?  Is it any good?
> It it really that good?  Can it be that bad?  Why is it good?
> Why isn't it good?  Would you buy one?  Why would you buy one?
> Why wouldn't you buy one?  Why won't you buy one?  How could I
> buy one?  Could you buy me one?  Could you buy me some?  Will I win?
> Can I win?  How can I win?  Why won't I win?  Why will I win?  Why will
> they lose?  Will I really win?  Will they really win?  Can I lose?
> How much can I lose?  By how much can I lose?  Will it matter?
> Does it matter?  Could it matter?  Do I matter?  Why does it matter?
> Why doesn't it matter?  Where do we come from?  Where do I come from?
> Where am I going?  Where are we going?  Are we going?  Are we there?
> Are we there yet?  Why aren't we there yet?  Why can't I stop?
> Why don't I stop?  Can I stop?  Could you stop me?  Can I stop you?
> Would I stop you?  Should I stop you?  Should you stop me?  Can they
> stop him?  Why doesn't he stop?  Why won't they stop?  Why do I
> do it?  Why don't I do it?  How would I do it?  How could I do it?
> How should I do it?  Might I do it?  Why could I do it?  Why should
> I do it?  Why would I do it?  How much would you pay me?  How much
> would you pay me?  How much could you pay me?  Why won't you pay me?
> Why don't you pay me?  How much could I pay them?  How much should I
> pay them?  Should I pay them?  Would anyone pay?  Would anyone say?
> Could anyone say?  Should I say?  Should they say?  Should they tell?
> Should I tell?  What should I bring for show and tell?  What's that
> smell?  What the hell?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <deep breath in>
}
} Colonel Mustard.  First degree murder.  In the billiards room.
} Eight minutes to midnight.  Greed.  With the lead piping.  500 grand.
} 10 grand.
}
} Hardly worth it for less.  Sergeant Pepper.  So what price love,
} peace and flower power now, eh?  The Samaritans.  Because they're
} a bunch of bleeding-heart lefties. In your case, because they were
} overcome by revulsion.  Subtract the universe and everything and
} you're left with six.
}
} Everything.  Omniscient.  I mean I'm bloody clever.  Because it's
} true.  Self-infatuation.  Complete lack of originality.  It's rather
} distasteful.
}
} Physically impossible for humans.  Yes.  I've already said I wouldn't -
} are you deaf as well as stupid?  Only if I wanted a dose of botulism.
} You're a born loser.  They bought Windows95.  "Why didn't we buy
} a Mac?"  I knew I'd get away with it.  Greed (see "Why?" above)
} or being born Bill Gates.  Not with the lead piping anyway - far
} too messy.  Only after the mating season is over.  Nobody'd believe
} you.  I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.  Butter.  No, it was just
} a cheap joke.  I was with Lisa all night - she'll testify to it.
} Zeus Ammon.  Superhuman.  Anytime I dam' well please.  Yes, but you
} need to change at Poughkeepsie.  I'll need to check with Lisa.  Eight
} minutes to midnight.  Preferably after you've left.  A naughty frog.
} What's green sits in the corner?  Thank you.  A Mickey Mouse watch.
} $4.99 at K-Mart.  Tell the time sporadically.  You gave it to me.
} The little hand tells the hours and the big hand tells the minutes.
} Because you just gave it to me - are you paying attention or not?
} Because it sucks.  I've changed my mind.  It's too good for you.
} One of us does.  Well done, you got it in one.  No, you need several.
} Brain cells.  A personality transplant.  The Samaritans.  A blow-up
} Gillian Anderson doll.  Gillian Anderson.  Nope.  Mmmm... still nope.
} Now what would the Samaritans want with a blow-up Gillian Anderson
} doll?  A Barbie doll.  No - Barbie dolls aren't anatomically correct
} (I've tried).  Ken and Barbie's snotty little sister Skipper.  They'll
} do anything for a fiver, that pair.  Actually, no - Barbie dolls aren't
} anatomically correct.  Even those two draw the line somewhere.  No -
} Barbie dolls aren't... ahh, forget it.  An unfortunate conjunction
} of genes.  Just dandy, thank you.  Colonel Mustard.  He bought his
} commission.  Guilty as charged.  In the bedroom.  It's her time of
} the month.  As often as possible.  Carmelite nuns as a rule don't.
} With me they would.  Because you're a very sad little man.  With me
} they might.  Perhaps if they'd been recently bobbited.  Toad in
} the hole.  Because you didn't finish it last time.  How else are
} we going to get rid of all these dam' toads?  Because I didn't make
} you any.  Oh, alright then.  You can have it well BSE'd for all I care.
} The sooner the better.  I can go anywhere I dam' well please.  If you
} drug and bind me first.  If *I* drugged and bound me first.  No.
} You don't have a car.  I don't have a car either.  This carpooling
} business is becoming something of an obsession with you, isn't it?
} I often ask myself that question.  The Pythia, the Vestal Virgins,
} John the Baptist, the Dalai Lama... you know, the usual crowd.
} You haven't asked me the woodchuck question yet.  It's a matter
} of principle.  Oh, alright then - it's really a matter of small,
} irritating furry animals that really ask for it.
}
} <GASP! pant, pant, pant - another deep breath in>
}
} Never felt better.  Decidedly.  No, it's inherited.  Deadly.  Deadly.
} Look, if you're going to start asking for second opinions then I'm
} not talking to you anymore.  I think you think you're joking, but I
} know better.  No.  You're developing a stammer.  Believe me, it can
} be worse.  Evidently, you're one of the few people on the planet not
} to have dated Lisa, if you have to ask.  No, actually that makes *me*
} feel really good.
}
} I see you've returned to the subject of Gillian Anderson dolls.
} Lisa's time of the month.  Lisa would kill me.  Put like that, I
} don't like the odds.  Mail order catalog.  Aha, so this is what you've
} been leading up to all along, is it?  One's not enough now, eh?  No,
} I told you, you're a born loser.  Read - my - lips!  Be reincarnated
} as Andre Agassi.  Because you haven't even died yet.  My god - you
} really are Andre Agassi!
}
} It's that hamstring injury playing up again.  No, I was just kidding
} - you're not really Andre Agassi.  Every time.  Easy as falling off
} a log.  Remember all those Gillian Anderson dolls I just bought you?
} Six-love, six-love, six-love.  Not in the general scheme of things.
} Not to me it doesn't.  Yes, if you had been Andre Agassi, or even Pete
} Sampras.  Aha, I see you've finally got to the root of the problem.
} Can you really picture five years of Bob Dole as president?  Can you
} really picture another five years of Bill Clinton as president?
} Primeval sludge.  You parent omitted to tell you about the birds and
} the bees then?  Nowhere fast.  Hell in a handbasket.  Sure as god made
} little green apples.  Any minute now.  No, I was kidding - sometime in
} the next three millenia.  Because of the fall of Communism.  I keep
} wondering that.  Because I haven't ZOTted you yet.  Probably not.
} Watch me.  I wouldn't advise you to try.  About as effectively as a
} hedgehog could stop a juggernaut.  Come to think of it, please try.
} Probably.  Only if they can get the gloves to fit.  He's hoping
} that if he stays in the public eye long enough he'll get a date with
} Princess Di.  The mating season isn't over yet.  Lack of judgement.
} Lack of ability.  Clumsily.  Utter and complete lack of judgement.
} Follow the instructions in my step-by-step guide, which can be
} purchased at any good bookstore for a mere $34.99.  You're gullible
} enough.  The instructions are designed to be comprehensible to a
} mildly retarded Neanderthal.  Because I told you to.  Because the
} last thing you want to do is get on my wrong side.  Pay you???
} You blackmailer - just because I haven't managed to sell one yet!
} Alright - $34.99.  I can't find my wallet.  Drat, I remember now - I
} gave it to Lisa.  Your life's savings.  $34.99.  Yes.  Past experience
} suggests not.  "It's highway robbery."  Not if I was within earshot.
} Not if I was within earshot.  Not if I... are you going deaf again?
} No - what you do with your Gillian Anderson dolls is strictly your own
} business.  You don't have to - I already know, you dirty little beggar.
} Definitely not a Gillian Anderson doll - try a selection of midwestern
} roadkill instead.  Looks like your roadkill was a bit too fresh.
}
} <WHEW! pant, pant, pant>
}
} Hah! Didn't think I had it in me, eh? Never doubt a deity, supplicant!
}
} Hang on a minute. One, two, three... I missed one! Oh yes, here it is.
} I didn't answer the "What the hell?" at the end. Ah well, you were
} anticipating the answer to that one all along anyway, weren't you?
}
}                            >> ZOT <<
}
} So now you also know how spam's made.


840-06    (hmAig dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Michael Nolan <nolan@tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle most wise, I'm tired of being stupid. Is there anything that
> will make me smart?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hit your thumb with a hammer


840-07    (xDjd5 dist, 2.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Frank J. Backitis Jr." <perkunas@cyberspy.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Woodchuck?
>
> Woodchuck.
>
> Woodchuck ...
>
> WOODCHUCK!
>
> "Everybody ought to have a woodchuck ..."

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Supplicant?
}
} Supplicant.
}
} Supplicant...
}
} ZOT!
}
} "Every woodchuck ought to be ZOTTed"


840-08    (9zDk6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> What's the meaning of life?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} According to the dictionary, the meaning of "life" is as follows:-
}
} life n. (pl. lives). State of animate existence; functional activity
} and change before death.
}
} By the way, if you haven't already read it, the dictionary is quite a
} good book.  There isn't much of a plot, but it's well worth reading if
} only for the unexpected way that it ends, SPOILER AHEAD:-
}
} zymotic a. (Greek: leven) Of fermentation.
}
} Anyway, I'm getting off the subject.  Where was I?  Oh yes...
} The true meaning of life, however, is much different.  Few people
} discover their reason for being placed on this earth, and end up going
} through life trying various different jobs, hobbies, sports, etc.
} without ever discovering their true purpose - which is to create a
} world in which everything is made from raspberry jelly.  Raspberry
} jelly is the secret of true happiness and opens up the pathway to true
} enlightenment (or it could just be the effects of all the artificial
} additives).  Give it a try.  Begin by building yourself a home made
} from raspberry jelly.  Why not start up your own business, the American
} Jellyphone and Jellygraph company - AJ&J.
}  You will experience a sense of achievement and satisfaction like never
} before, and will be well on your way to making this world a safer,
} happier place.
}
} I'll leave you now with one final thought: "You can please some of the
} people all of the time, and you can please all of the people some of
} the time, but you can't eat a kebab sideways whilst wrestling an
} alligator in a vat of custard."


840-09    (dGwi4 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: jrp@teleport.com

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Can the Microsoft juggernaut be stopped?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}       Hmm. Juggernaut is an Anglicized version of a name of
} Vishnu. I suppose I could see Microsoft as sort of coporate
} incarnation of Vishnu.
}       It was Vishnu's role to keep the illusion of the world from
} falling into chaos and disorder. Hmm. Microsoft strives fervently to
} keep the illusion of the greatness of its products from being
} shattered.
}       Vishnu's domain was kept around till Shiva, Lord of the Void,
} destroyer god, came and shattered the carefully maitained illusion
} that is reality, freeing the masses from the oppression that physical
} reality invokes.
}       Hmm. Offhand, I'd say that Microsoft will be stopped as soon
} as Quake, game of obscene destruction, is released. People will be too
} busy playing Quake to spend money on Microsoft. The juggernaut will
} die.
}
} You owe the Oracle a copy of Nashville


840-10    (6mAyb dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David R Sewell <dsewell@GAS.UUG.Arizona.EDU>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great all singing, all dancing, all knowing Oracle - please help me
> with a quandry that I have been puzzling over for many a moon.
>
> You know those huge great cranes - the ones that appear overnight at
> building sites and are used to lift massive loads up to the top of
> skyscrapers - well each of these cranes has a huge counter-ballance on
> one end of it's arm and the only way I can see that you can get a big
> weight that high off of the ground is with a bigger crane - with a
> bigger counter-ballance - seems a bit of a catch-22 situation to me.
> What do you reckon.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} All singing? All dancing?? What is this, a Broadway review? Some
} supplicants think my answers are just song and dance, but I have a
} Staff of ZOT(tm) for them.
}
} Anyway, to answer your query, the Great Cranes (Grus magnus) have
} evolved slowly over the centuries, and only since the dawn of your
} human "Industrial Age" have they really become somewhat numerous. This
} is because, with the advent of skyscrapers under construction, they
} finally have an adequate place to roost and escape from their natural
} predators - Jurisconsultis omnivagus (lawyers). This predator/prey
} relationship is amply demonstrated whenever the persistent
} crane-watcher observes the death of one of these magnificent creatures.
} They give a loud sigh, strongly reminiscent of rending steel, and fall
} to the ground. Within minutes, often even before ambulances arrive to
} tend the puny humans frequently injured by the bird's fall, hordes of
} lawyers can be seen feasting on the carnage. A very powerful, if
} somewhat tragic, sight.
}
} The Crane is very shy, and distrustful of inhabited buildings, hence it
} is almost never found on completed skyscrapers. Instead, it is found
} almost exclusively on buildings under construction, for which it has
} evolved an extremely effective camouflage (apparently it fooled you!).
} The "counter-balance" which concerns you is really a mostly air-filled
} organ, used during the mating process (don't ask further - some things
} you just weren't meant to know).
}
} By the way, everybody knows that skyscrapers grow from the ground up.
} Duh.
}
} You owe the Oracle "Peterson's Guide to Northern Hemisphere Machinery."


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