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Internet Oracularities #885

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885, 885-01, 885-02, 885-03, 885-04, 885-05, 885-06, 885-07, 885-08, 885-09, 885-10


Internet Oracularities #885    (114 votes, 3.3 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Fri, 7 Feb 1997 11:52:04 -0500 (EST)

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   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

885  114 votes dzvpa 7ipCq 4gqJn grAq9 aBHi6 7aoBA cuCv3 29jtT edBtl 6gmHr
885   3.3 mean  2.9   3.5   3.6   2.9   2.8   3.7   2.9   4.1   3.3   3.6


885-01    (dzvpa dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh wise and all knowing oracle, please tell me something about Star
> Wars that I have been wondering for at least 15 years.
>
> In the original movie was princess Lea truely interested in getting
> with Hans Solo, or Luke Skywalker?  This is before she knew that Luke
> was her brother.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You have come to the right place my mortal friend.  Bask in the
} Oracle's knowledge of starwars (in the allknowing Oracle's opinion the
} best movie ever made)
}
} The truth is Leia had a crush on neither Han or young Skywalker but
} there was another.
} Leia's true lover can be found in the rare footage of the directors cut
} of Star Wars where the princess takes Han up on his offer of kissing a
} Wookie and takes it a few steps farther, if you catch the Oracle's
} drift.  Look for this footage in the adult film section of your local
} video or porn shop.
}
} Bring me young Skywalker


885-02    (7ipCq dist, 3.5 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O great and Trek-wise Oracle, who can recalibrate quantum injectors
> blindfold,
>
> The Federation is in the Alpha Quadrant, the Dominion is in the Gamma
> Quadrant and we've seen a fair bit of the Delta Quadrant through
> Voyager (and weren't the Borg from there?).
>
> What's in the Beta Quadrant? And why doesn't anyone go there, or ever
> mention it?
>
> Those might be the same question.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ultimately, it was a marketing failure, and in the consumer market, it
} lost out to the VHS Quadrant.
}
} You owe the Oracle a rimshot.


885-03    (4gqJn dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O immortal one, whose memory is an archive of past, present, *and*
> future, answer me this wondrous Oracle.
>
> Is it live, or is it Memorex?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The following is a relatively accurate test for determining whether a
} given item is live or memorex.
}
} 1.  The acid test.  Pour liquid acid of Ph 3 on the test object.
}     Check your results below.
}
}      a.  Screams = not Memorex
}      b.  Burns/ ignites = possibly Memorex.
}      c.  Explosion = base.  Do Not Mix Acids with a Base, oh singed
}          supplicant!
}
} 2.  The scissors test.  Try cutting the test object with a pair of
}     sharp scissors.  Do not run, you might put somebody's eye out.
}     Check your results below.
}
}      a.  Screams = not Memorex.
}      b.  Screams + scissors have blood on them =definitely not Memorex
}      c.  Confetti = probably Memorex.
}      d.  Scissors break = not Memorex.  Possibly a rock.
}
} 3.  The Blowtorch test.  Ignite a blowtorch.  Move it slowly towards
}     the test object.  Check your results below.
}
}      a.  Runs away screaming = not Memorex.
}      b.  Curls at the edges = either Memorex OR a hedgehog OR a bad
}          hair day.
}      c.  glows = something metal.  Not Memorex, but may be your PC.
}      d.  melts = your PC.
}
} 4.  The poke test.  Poke the test object several times.  Check your
}     results below.
}
}      a.  "Ow, quit it!" = not Memorex.
}      b.  no results = may be Memorex.
}
} As you can see from these tests, there is no foolproof way to
} determine whether an item is memorex, but there are some solid
} methods of determining whether an object is alive (and, therefore,
} Not Memorex.)
}
} You owe the oracle more toner.


885-04    (grAq9 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
> possit materiari?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh Latin is so cute.
}
} Dear Supplicant, your query is being returned because:
}
} [x] Grovel no inconsequenti
} [x] Marmota non specifico - American or European
} [x] No comprendo el Latino - though if a woodchuck could chuck wood..
}
} You owe the Oracle a tonsorial operation.


885-05    (aBHi6 dist, 2.8 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Oracle whose answers are always straight as an arrow, help me.
>
> When I am playing golf, my drives frequently slice to the right.  What
> should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} If your drives are exhibiting abnormal behavior when you're playing
} golf, the answer may lie in what your drives are doing when you're
} NOT playing golf.
}
} A golf drive is a notoriously lazy thing.  Generally, when they're
} not engaged in a game of golf, they tend to lay about not doing
} much, although a few exceptional drives have been able to secure
} part-time work during the baseball season.  Once they've passed the
} prime of their careers, many drives will take up work as chip shots,
} and usually finish their careers as physically less taxing putts.
}
} In any event, when a drive slices, invariably it will slice to
} the right, unless you're left-handed, in which case they'll slice
} to the left and hook to the right.  I know it seems restrictive,
} but chances are slim that the rules regarding drive behavior will
} be relaxed any time soon.  Recent efforts to organize drives into a
} labor union were fruitless.
}
} What should you do?  In general, try to be more kind and forgiving.
} Signal before all turns.  Set aside a certain amount of spare time
} for community work.  Close cover before striking.  Squeeze the tube
} at the base, and work your way up.  And where golf is concerned,
} try aiming a little more to the left.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new set of Tiger woods.


885-06    (7aoBA dist, 3.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Did OJ do it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Evidently.  He's got children.


885-07    (cuCv3 dist, 2.9 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great and mysterous Oracle.  In your vast and Timeless wisdom do
> I appeal.  Answer this request from your most humble and unworthy
> supplicant.  Grace now this reach that I am with your clarity of
> vision so that I may aspire to greatness.
>
> Please oh Ancient Oracle tell me why people always have to credit
> aliens or magic, to mankinds greatest accomplishments?  Why can't
> mankind just be extrodinary? Why is it so impossible to believe
> mankind doesn't need the help of alien races or magic beings?
>
> Thank you for your consideration Great Oracle.  I hope my quandry is
> not to foolish.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your quandary is foolish indeed, oh supplicant. The idea that mere
} mortals could be capable of extraordinary feats without assistance is
} simply ridiculous. Human civilization has gotten where it is solely
} through the help of friendly little green men from, er, Alpha Centauri,
} and of mystical beings (such as, ahem, oracles).
}
} Without help from little green men, magicians, and oracles (especially
} oracles), humans would be little better off than apes. They would go
} naked (this would only be fun in summer, since central heating would
} never have been invented), and they would be defenseless against the
} local saber-toothed tigers (of course you, don't see these around that
} often anymore, but back in my day they were a dime a dozen). The human
} vocabulary would consist of the word "hungry" and a few assorted
} grunts. None of the inventions that make human life what it is would
} exist.
}
} Of course, we supernatural beings can only claim the good inventions;
} you mortals came up with the bad ones (war, politics, Microsoft
} Windows) yourselves.
}
} You owe the oracle fire, the wheel, and the ancient Phoenician
} alphabet.


885-08    (29jtT dist, 4.1 mean)
Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@mail.ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> To:   Internet Oracle
> From: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
>
> Sir:
>
>      It has come to our attention that you still continue to
> spread wild speculations and outright falsehoods regarding one
> Bill Gates.
>
>      As you well know, at no time has Mr. Gates been involved
> in midnight cauldron-stirring events, world domination plans
> or intentional bug^H^H^H^H unexpected feature introduction.
>
>      Since you have already been warned in the past, you must
> now cease this behavior immediately.  Continued actions on your
> part will result in the largest legal onslaught in history.
>
>      Your latest response, consisting of qouting our entire
> correspondence followed by the line 'Huh?', does not fool us.
>
>      We are quite aware of who you are and what you have been
> up to.  We trust you would like to keep some of the more, uh,
> intimate details out of the courts of law.
>
>      You still have 24 hours to respond before actions commence.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To:  Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
} From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.
}
} Sirs:
}
} Our associate, The Internet Oracle, has brought to our attention
} your recent threat of legal action against the aforementioned
} entity. We feel you should be aware that in the event of any
} litigation issued against a fellow Undying One, a counter-suit
} will be launched against Microsoft by the Many-Angled Ones.
}
} This counter-suit will claim that Windows '95, and indeed all
} of the Microsoft range of products, infringe on the "look-and-feel"
} of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:
}
} o   Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest
}     pits of Hell;
}
} o   No man can be in it's presence for too long without being
}     driven into gibbering insanity;
}
} o   A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal
}     herd;
}
} o   Those who associate with it for too long develop common
}     physical characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging
}     eyes, generally unkempt physical appearance, tendency
}     towards nocturnal living, change in diet to that which normal
}     men do not eat (in your case tacos, burgers and Jolt Coke;
}     in ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the blood of Alien
}     Gods);
}
} o   The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate
}     the world, and force all who dwell their to live in eternal
}     damnation.
}
} As you can see, our case is very strong, especially when
} you consider that most judges prefer not to have chittering
} things with tentacles for faces scoop out their brains and
} eat them.
}
} We hope that you will consider these points carefully before
} commencing any actions, since it is not our intention to have
} your senior partners spend the rest of their mercifully short
} lives under heavy sedation in a maximum security psychiatric
} hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer Planes who
} gave humanity lawyers in the first place.
}
} Respectfully yours,
}
} <unidentifiable squiggle in some sort of ichor>
}
} pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D


885-09    (edBtl dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <cep@best.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> cat grovel
> rm ~/pride
> rm ~/self-worth
>
> ls ~oracle

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} drwxr-xr-x   4 oracle users     2048 Jan 31  1972 ./
} drwxr-xr-x  19 root   root      1024 Jan 30  1972 ../
} -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users   130729 Feb  6 17:26 .newsrc
} -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users      114 Jan  4 17:23 .tcshrc
} -rw-r--r--   1 oracle users    12885 Feb  2 02:04 .zotrc
} lrwxrwxrwx   1 oracle users       18 Jul 17  1989 answer -> /bin/fortune
} -rw-------   1 oracle users   299008 Nov 23 16:49 core
} drwx------ 397 oracle users 18395618 Feb  6 20:17 mail/
} -rwxr--r--   1 oracle users        3 Dec 19  1996 megazot.perl
} drwxr-xr-x  53 oracle users     8196 Feb  6 01:49 naughty-gifs/
} -rwxr--r--   1 oracle users       12 Aug 42  1980 woodchuck-filter.perl
} -rw-rw-rw-   1 oracle users  4062916 Sep 15 01:12 zot.cbl
} -rwxr-xr-x   1 oracle users    81270 Sep 15  1983 zot*
}
} cat ~supplicant/credit.card.number > ~oracle/fee


885-10    (6gmHr dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Bill Gates is a father?  Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, you haven't heard?  After the release of Microsoft's biggest
} technology advance yet, Bill Gates will be known as "The Father of His
} Country," usurping that other guy, who never even used a Microsoft
} product, much less a computer.
}
} Next year, Microsoft is coming out with Constitution98 (formerly known
} by the code name "Philadelphia").  Constitution98 features:
}
} * Dull Preamble replaced by startup screen featuring picture of amber
} waves of grain, oceans white with foam, and purple mountain majesties.
}
} * Complete "drag-and-drop" support, allowing relevant portions of
} Supreme Court decisions to be easily inserted.
}
} * Point-and-click access to Cabinet departments.
}
} * The "Congressional Wizard" greatly simplifies the process necessary
} for a bill to become law.
}
} * Easy conversions to and from operating systems that are outdated but
} still in use elsewhere, such as MagnaCarta and Iron Fist 4.0.
}
} * President replaced by "Task Manager" to keep the system running
} smoothly; the population is polled every 5 nanoseconds to determine
} which task runs in the foreground (Education Control Panel, Overseas
} Military Extension, and so on).
}
} * Amendments available free to registered users at the National
} Archives (www.microsoft.com).
}
} And, thanks to the "Three-Fifths Compromise," Constitution98 will take
} up only three-fifths of the space in the Library of Congress.
}
} You owe the Oracle a one-way ticket to Canada.


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