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Internet Oracularities #924

Goto:
924, 924-01, 924-02, 924-03, 924-04, 924-05, 924-06, 924-07, 924-08, 924-09, 924-10


Internet Oracularities #924    (106 votes, 3.2 mean)
Compiled-By: "Steve Kinzler" <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Thu, 24 Jul 1997 16:28:27 -0500 (EST)

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924  106 votes 8lCof 5hxwj 6aiGu 39loN bCwl4 37kDB lLoe0 aEBh2 corsf 7sAle
924   3.2 mean  3.2   3.4   3.8   4.0   2.7   3.9   2.3   2.6   3.1   3.1


924-01    (8lCof dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: David Sewell <dsew@packrat.aml.arizona.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hail great Oracle, who stoppeth
> one of three,
>
> Do you know the lyrics to that
>   -and they all went to University,
> "Little Boxes" song? Ever since
> they stuffed me into a cubicle
>   -and they all work in little boxes,
> at work the two lines I know
> have been driving me slowly
>   -and they all look just the same.
> insane.
>   -and they all work in little boxes,
>   -and they all look just the same.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   --And they all work on Windows boxes,
}   --And they all look just the same.
}   --They all work on Windows boxes,
}   --And they all worked kinda lame.
}
} But one wasn't like the rest,
} He had a web server to play with.
} A machine which stays up for months?
} Most thought it was just myth.
}
}   --He was making Linux boxes,
}   --"'Cause it's better", he'd claim.
}   --He was working on Linux boxes,
}   --And gave each its own cute name.
}
} They couldn't understand his OS,
} And the flexibility it gave.
} He could use another window manager
} And change how windows behave.
}
}   --He was using Linux boxes,
}   --That set Windows users aflame.
}   --He was using Linux boxes,
}   --Of course it was he they blame.
}
} They plotted to stop him,
} And procurement they did persuade,
} Through many illogical arguments,
} To deny him a system upgrade.
}
}   --But he never got new boxes,
}   --Using 486's he'd reclaim.
}   --He was using Linux boxes,
}   --That put Windows boxes to shame.
}
} Unfortunately his days were few,
} The managers would all agree,
} That he couldn't be taken seriously,
} When they learned his OS was *free*.
}
}   --And they all work on Windows boxes,
}   --And they all look just the same.
}   --They all work on Windows boxes,
}   --And they all worked kinda lame.


924-02    (5hxwj dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Be an Uber,
>
> Not a knave.
>
> Nietzsche uses
>
> Burma Shave.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Shaving's bourgeois,
}
} Much too slow.
}
} Schopenhauer
}
} Lets it grow!
}
} You owe the Oracle an arrangement of _Also Sprache Zarathustra,_
} arranged for kazoo band.


924-03    (6aiGu dist, 3.8 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most medically-wise Oracle.
>
> She left me, my heart aches. Do you know of a good painkiller ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   There are many different painkillers which can be used in a case such
} as this. Unfortunatly most of them have side-effects. Rather than
} prescribe one of them I think I should give you a list
}
}    1. Ihateyouphedrine
}       Often taken by those suffering later stages of a break-up. The
} drug works by stimulating the bile duct causing large amounts of bile
} to be spat out by the user of the drug.
}   Side Effects: Dependance, user may become addicted to the drug and
} may continue to show the drugs effects long after the initial need to
} take the drug has passed.
}               Repelance, Frequent exposure to bile produced by this
} drug often causes friends and relatives, initially sympathetic to the
} medical problem to show reluctance to be in the vicinity of the user.
}
}    2. Newgirlfriendemmet
}       A rather risky drug to try. The drug may have different effects
} on the same person. The main reason for this is the large number of
} different brand of the drug available. Effects range from euphoria to
} depression. Furthermore the drug taker slowly gains tolerance to the
} drug and may even start to show signs of allergic reaction. Another
} problem is that the user may become dependant on the drug. Should the
} drug then no longer be administered the user may show symptoms worse
} than the original ones.
}
}    3. Gettingonwithlifex
}       One of the better painkillers on the market. Unfortunatly it is
} very hard to find. Must not be confused with the similar but less
} effective pretendingtogetonwithlifex
}
}    4. Becomingatrappistmonkamine
}       By far the strongest drug on the market. Should only be used by
} those in the greatest pain. While absolutly curing the pain the drug
} has a wide variety of side effects including, Hair loss, inability to
} speak, insomnia (victim sleeps okay at night but gets up at 5 in the
} morning).
}
}    5. Vowofchastityoic acid
}       Don`t bother with this one as it is mearly a placebo. The user
} has no release from the pain and often stops taking the drug the second
} the pain has gone.
}
}    6. Babycomebackadrine
}       This drug has been known to work on some occasions causing relief
} of pain and showing no side effects (well no effects that user wasn`t
} suffering from before at least). However in many cases it has no effect
} on the pain and may even still cause side effects, which may include,
} insomnia and depression.
}
}    7. Alternative Treatments
}
} Homeopathic Remedies
}       Often chosen by sufferers because they are well known to have no
} side effects. Unfortunatly this is because they have no effect
} whatsoever
}
} Aromatherapy
}       Sniffing her purfumes will not help! Give it up now.
}
} Accupucture
}       Put that knife down this instant.
}
}       ORACLE HEALTH WARNING
}
}  The above list is only a guide. Consult your doctor before beginning
} any course of medication.
}
}  You owe the oracle a copy of The Guide To Aphrodisiacs.


924-04    (39loN dist, 4.0 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Why bill Gatel is gay ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I beg your pardon?  This doesn't sound quite right.  Things must have
} gotten mixed up in transmission--unreliable protocol, you know.  Let's
} see if we can straighten this out.
}
} (shuffle shuffle)     Will I, sly, get by a hag?
}
} No, that can't be it.  Let's try again.
}
} (shuffle shuffle)     Will a shy gila get by?
}
} Nope.
}
} (shuffle,shuffle)     Why bag Lily?--get Lisa.
}
} What?  What about Lisa?
}
}                       Yes, I will bag thy gal.
}
} You'll do no such thing!  Who are you?
}
}                       Lyle with baggy Lisa.
}
} All right, Lyle, let Lisa go and I won't hurt you.  And what do you
} mean, baggy?
}
}                       Baggy wet hilly Lisa.
}
} Well, hilly, okay, but . . .
}
}                       Leggy with sly labia.
}
} Look, Lyle, Lisa's privates are none of your business.  Now LET HER GO!
}
}                       Lye bath--Lisa wiggly.
}
} *Lye bath*?  What kind of monster are you?  Lisa!  LISA!!
}
}                       Bale thy wiggly Lisa.
}
} Do you have her tied up somewhere?  Is she all right?  I swear, Lyle,
} if you've hurt Lisa I'll ZOT you like I've never ZOTted anyone!
}
}                       Why, it's a li'l gag.  Bye.  L.
}
} A *gag*?  This is your idea of a joke?  You are really sick, Lyle, do
} you know that?  You owe me big time.  And don't worry, I'll collect.


924-05    (bCwl4 dist, 2.7 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great allmighty oracle,
>
>       Whose ears are never full of wax,
>       Who's computers never are a vax,
>       Who's wisdom is like the flowing rain,
>       Who's knowledge drives a man insane,
>
> Please, tell me the future:
>
> I'm a little worried about Apple. Will they make it, or will we all end
> up running Windows? Is there anything at all we can do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ha ha ha, silly mortal.  Of course Apple will pull through - but like
} all things in this transitory illusion you call reality, it will live
} by changing into something else.  Metamorphoses is the word, and the
} question you should be asking is "What _form_ will Apple take in the
} future?" Once the gentle giant of the computer world, Apple will adopt
} the aggressive, obnoxious marketing tactics once practiced by Data
} General. This "in-your-face" attitude will percolate throughout the
} company, and a new corporate culture will develop - a "take no
} prisoners" approach will transform not only the sales force but the
} very core of the company, the programmers themselves.  No more
} touchy-feely user-friendly software folks! Replace that inoffensive
} little wastebasket with a proton-neutralizer rifle, and blast your file
} into sub-atomic particles!  Yes, in order to save Apple, they will
} destroy it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a beta-release of "Doom V - The Operating System
} (Macintosh Only)", just as soon as it becomes available.


924-06    (37kDB dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: noe@platsol.com (Dr. Noe)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> why nobody speak italian ?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well noticed!.  Actually nobody - not even the Italians - speak
} Original Italian these days.  The story goes like this.
}
} In the early days of the earth all men shared one language, the
} original one spoken by Adam and Eve and which they taught their
} children (Cain's first word was "Rock" rather than "Mama" which
} should have been a give-away).  It was the perfect human tongue;
} both concise and beautiful and when you spoke to God in it you got
} a straight answer rather than strange looks from passers-by.
}
} But as is recorded in the Book of Genesis the people of the earth
} got themselves into all sorts of trouble.  Their Tower of Babel
} project was cancelled, although the concept of a place where an
} entire population could be brought together for no useful purpose
} was to resurface later in schemes such as the "Restaurant of
} McDonalds" and "Theme-park of Disney".
}
} The outcome was that the Good Lord got everyone to stop what they
} were doing and made them choose a language of their own from a wide
} variety that He'd designed earlier.  (Omnipotence doesn't mean less
} work, just the chance to always be prepared).
}
} So all the soon-to-be nations queued up and made their choices.
}
} The Germans jumped in first and took what looked like the easiest
} language to learn as it only had a few words.  Unfortunately this
} meant that all the other words they needed had to be made-up by
} stringing those few together in ever-increasing length.  It turns
} out that the original German language was a notation left-over from
} God's design for DNA.
}
} The French snapped-up the language of poetry and romance, best suited
} for lovers to share their intimacies whilst locked in passionate
} embrace.  Their sting was a cuisine composed mainly of garlic and
} strong herbs.
}
} The English chose a tongue that lacked a lot of key words and resulted
} in a history of empire-building, trade and basic conquest in order to
} obtain nouns from everyone else.
}
} The Maya got an advanced version of HTML by accident - all those
} pictographs are really icon bit-maps.  Egyptian has a similar root
} which not only explains the pyramids but means that the accurate
} translation of the hieroglyphics "little-bird / hand / eye / ankh"
} is "Make Money Fast!".
}
} Others made seriously bad choices.  The Eskimos for instance
} discovered their language really does have all those words for snow.
} The only way they could hold sensible conversations was to abandon
} their Bermuda shorts and sun-block and head off up north.  Every Eskimo
} is a world-class surfer; they just haven't discovered it yet.
}
} And so on.  Until we get to the Italians.  Well, they were last, having
} been out for an extended lunch, then stopping off for ice-cream (just
} missing the Eskimos who otherwise would have had found something good
} to do with all that ice)
}
} By the time the Italians arrived at Babel, all the languages had been
} passed out and the other nations had wandered off in search of
} translators.  This left the Italians the only people on earth still
} speaking the original, perfect language of Adam.  Which by default was
} now called Italian.
}
} It didn't take the Good Lord long to spot what was going on.  The
} Italians were walking around communicating with each other perfectly.
} Left to themselves they would have rapidly developed a superlative
} culture and a science and technology that would have made them masters
} of the Earth for all time.  God certainly wasn't having that!  So He
} stepped in and confused their language big-time.  He'd been looking for
} a good home for the word "linguine" anyway.
}
} In the end the Italians didn't do too badly.  They kept enough of that
} original language to form Latin and get the Roman Empire started off.
} Of course, the Germanic folks eventually swept in from the west and
} stole it, but there was just enough left to help out with the
} Renaissance later on.
}
} The only Italian to ever work out the truth was Leonardo.  He reverse-
} engineered the Original Italian language one wet afternoon, but was
} wise enough to keep it to himself.  He wrote it up in a dictionary,
} spent an extra half-hour thinking up PGP in order to encode it, then
} invented the JPEG format to represent the resulting binary pattern as a
} picture he could paint.  The result? - the Mona Lisa of course.  Now
} you know what she's smiling about.
}
} You owe the Oracle the Mona Lisa, a scanner and Leonardo's PGP key.


924-07    (lLoe0 dist, 2.3 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh great Oracle, who never forgets a name or a face, if anybody can
> answer this question, it must be you.
>
> On the classic "Seinfeld" episode called "The Junior Mint", Jerry has
> forgotten his new girlfriend's first name. But he does remember one
> thing: The name rhymes with a word for a female body part. Eventually,
> the woman says, "You don't even know my name, do you?" and Jerry has to
> guess. "Mulva?" he says, and she storms out.
>
> Please, Oracle, tell me what her name really was!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Icontinentia -- Buttox!
}
} Whoops, wrong TV show.  Let's see, I'm not much for American
} TV, even though I live here.  Everything went downhill after
} Gilligan's Island, you know.  But the one thing you can count
} on about American TV is that it's always predictable.  So if
} you want a woman's name that rhymes with a woman's body part,
} all you have to do is go for the obvious, which in this case
} would be:  Harriet.
}
} No?  Rats.  Let's see, how about Myrtle?  No, that's not it.
} Beverly?  No, that doesn't rhyme with anything at all, does
} it?  Susan?  That kinda rhymes with bosom, doesn't it?  Nah.
} Jo?  That definitely rhymes with toe!  So that must be it.
}
} You owe the Oracle a home for all these dang kittens.


924-08    (aEBh2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Mark Lawrence <lawrence.4@osu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, I recently noticed that the Jetsons kid
> (I can't remember his name) looks an awful lot like Billy in
> the Family Circus.  Are they related somehow?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Humble Supplicant, your question of Elroy and Billy will now be
} answered.
}
} Of course they're related.  They would have been fraternal twins, but
} the Two-Child Quota Act of 2164, coupled with the Dole-Thurmond
} Non-abortion Act of 2054, required the family to give one of them up
} for adoption.  The agency sent the two-day-old fetus back in time to
} the Family Circus family's mother's womb.  He would grow up to invent
} the anti-gravity device that keeps hovercars and floating signs in the
} air, as seen in "Back To The Future" parts 2 and 3.
}
} This agency is responsible for the placement in history of unusual
} people, among them Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Jesus
} Bar-Joseph.  They made a small timing error in that last case, but they
} sent a representative of the company to try to clear things up.
}
} You owe the Oracle one pink Mattel Hoverboard.


924-09    (corsf dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: "Michael A. Atkinson" <m-atkinson@nwu.edu>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> How's it going?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This Zog.  Zog see bright light, puny geek step out, say he make time
} hole.  Zog go in light.  Hole close.  Zog in big cave.  Lot of rock in
} cave.  More puny geek.  Many geek.  One... two... many.  Geek run away
} when see Zog.  Rock have pictures on them.  Pictures of square, with
} squiggly black stuff in them.  Some have pictures of real hot women
} (but women no have tails---why?)  One rock have question for Oracle.
} Zog answer now.
}
} So, how go Zog day?  Thank for ask.  Day go nasty, brutish and short.
} But Zog that way, too, so it OK.


924-10    (7sAle dist, 3.1 mean)
Selected-By: kirsten@spike.wellesley.edu (Kirsten Chevalier)

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh Oracle most wise, is this new movie "Contact" any good?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Exploring new spheres.  Coming in contact with foreign bodies.
} Hurtling through the air without any idea of the destination.  Being
} lost without ever being found.
}
} Gee, I never realized the life of a contact lens was so interesting.
}
} You owe the Oracle some saline solution.


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