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19 Apr 2014 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 22:07:58 GMT

Internet Oracularities #959

Goto:
959, 959-01, 959-02, 959-03, 959-04, 959-05, 959-06, 959-07, 959-08, 959-09, 959-10


Internet Oracularities #959    (102 votes, 3.1 mean)
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sun, 16 Nov 1997 15:38:05 -0500 (EST)

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Let us know what you like!  Send your ratings of these 10 Oracularities
on an integer scale of 1 ("very poor") to 5 ("very good") with the
volume number to oracle-vote@cs.indiana.edu (probably just reply to this
message).  For example:
   959
   2 1 3 4 3   5 3 3 4 1

959  102 votes 7vvq7 4fIta ftHd2 4gAth 5qCp8 dDD83 5lOl5 3eoGj 4huFa 5hDva
959   3.1 mean  3.0   3.3   2.6   3.4   3.0   2.5   3.0   3.6   3.4   3.2


959-01    (7vvq7 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Is Cricket a boring sport?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} No it's a hit the ball with a bat type of sport. You are obviously
} confusing cricket with drilling for oil.
}
} You owe the oracle a thesaurus that doesn`t always suggest bad puns.


959-02    (4fIta dist, 3.3 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh mighty Oracle, all-seeing, all-knowing, and alright now, pray assist
> this humble supplicant who stands at the crossroads of knowlessness
> trying to hitch a lift in the pig-farmer's truck of your wisdom down
> the highway of revelation to enlightenment city by answering the
> following -
>
> I am in a quandry. I have a nice, safe, stable job programming business
> systems in COBOL. It doesn't pay much, but the people are nice and my
> bosses are as laid back as I could wish for. Unfortunately, it's about
> as exciting as watching John Major dry. It's dull, dull, dull, dull,
> tedious, dysmal and dull. Should I stay here and endure the tedium and
> low pay for the sake of nice people and laid back bosses, or should I
> quit it and go and work for a web design company which would be much
> more interesting and would probably pay more, but may well involve me
> getting much more stress from my bosses?
>
> Yours in humble thanks,
>
> An unworthy supplicant

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Since you are a COBOL programmer it is 99.1% likely that you are:
} 1. male
} 2. born before January 1st, 1920
}
} Thus you are at least 77 years old.  Taking into account that the
} average life span of a male american is 73 years, neglecting the effect
} of radiation and the possibility that the supplicant mentioned John
} Major because he's british (the supplicant, not Mr. Major) (I mean, Mr.
} Major is british, but this irrelevant), and applying Chernoff bound, we
} get that it is at least 98.7% likely that you'll be dead before you
} ever get this reply.
} Moreover, it is 99.9% probable that your bosses, being the bosses of
} COBOL programmers, are at least 3 years dead. Thus, saying they are
} 'laid back' is somewhat of understatement. Nor is it much of a surprise
} that you haven't gotten a raise recently.
}
} The Oracle suggests that you start up your own software company,
} specializing in writing COBOL CGI GUI client-side interfaces for
} Internet, Intranet and Extranet applications. Or COBOL-based
} distributed parallel JavaBeans. Or what ever buzz words you can think
} of, and among which you can insert 'COBOL' at least once (with high
} probability), without sounding more ludicrous than you would have, had
} you you not inserted it.
} If it'll work, you'll be doing a favor to you fellow geriatric
} programmers, who'll suddenly have much demand.
} If it won't, simply send $5 to each of the persons listed below, remove
} the first name, and insert yours at the bottom.


959-03    (ftHd2 dist, 2.6 mean)
Selected-By: Christophe <xof@chanticleer.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle! You gotta help me! I'm being attacked by wood-chucking
> woodchucks! Did you see that log that just flew by? Help!!!!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for calling the Oracle-B-Quick Emergency Woodchuck Zotting
} Service's 24-Hour Emergency Phone Number.  Don't you know, we get lots
} of business because our splendid 24-hour, 7-day-a-week emergency
} service has a humongous full-page ad in the yellow pages, and every
} poor slob who gets a woodchuck problem at night or on weekends ends up
} calling us.  Our crack team of emergency service technicians awaits,
} at the end of this incredibly long recording, to take your name and
} number.  That's all they will do, because in actuality, our crack team
} of emergency service technicians is just an answering service that
} leaves messages for our regular daytime staff.  But never fear; first
} thing in the morning, when our real employees show up for work, your
} urgent message will be the very first thing into the emergency
} wastebasket, because nobody can ever understand the garbled messages
} left by our piece-of-crap answering service anyway.  But that's okay;
} we've got plenty of business already, and we don't really give a &$*!!
} if your pathetic little cry for help gets lost in the shuffle.
}
} *click*
}
} We're sorry; all of our emergency service technicians are currently
} busy handling other people's emergencies.  You might just want to call
} back during our regular office hours.  But if this is a *real*
} emergency, please continue to hold, and an emergency service
} technician will be with you in a day or so.  In the mean time --
}
} *click*
}
} Hola?  Hola?
}
} No hablo ingles!
}
} *click*
} *dial tone*


959-04    (4gAth dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oh most scintillatingly scentsible one, I just changed aftershaves and
> now when I make love to my wife, she says I smell like an apple pie.
> What should I do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Tell her that her skin is a smooth as French vanilla ice cream, and
} then try ala mode.
}
} You owe the Oracle a dab of whipped cream.


959-05    (5qCp8 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Hello
> Please send E-mail BBC(British Broadcasting Corporation)World Service.
> thanks.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} We're terribly sorry, but BBC World Service e-mail broadcast delivery
} has been temporarily suspended owing to technical difficulties with our
} VIC-20 mail servers. If you do not have access to our regular shortwave
} transmissions, we recommend that you try one of the following
} alternative services:
}
}    * BBC World Service carrier pigeon dispatches (every hour on the
}      hour, except in South America, trans-Ural Russia, Oceania,
}      North America east of the International Date Line, and non-
}      signatories to the U.N. Avian Noninterference Act of 1995)
}
}    * BBC World Service online BBS, transcripts available within 12 hours
}      of broadcast, telephone +44 1223 666-6666 (modem settings: Even
}      parity, 2 stop bits, 3 go-slow bits, 300 baud), accessible between
}      the hours of 0200 and 0400 GMT
}
}    * BBC World Service word-of-mouth transmission, programmes passed
}      along as hearsay across selected back fences, available only
}      in rural North America and Tasmania
}
}    * BBC World Service Scrabble(TM) transmission, highlights of the
}      week's news embedded in continuously played games, available
}      in lobbies of Best Western hotels worldwide (surcharge for
}      Hebrew, Cyrillic, and Japanese romanji broadcasts)
}
} Our feature story to-day, in all media, is an in-depth report
} entitled, "Louise Woodward: Latter-Day Mandela or Martyred Princess?"
} (Not available in rebellious former colonies.)
}
} You owe the BBC a rap version of Big Ben chiming.


959-06    (dDD83 dist, 2.5 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@celery.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> O Great Oracle who could fall in a pile of manure and come up smelling
> like roses, I just slipped and fell in a pile of manure and came
> up smelling like, well, manure. I took a shower, so now I'm ok, but
> my wallet was drenched and I now have several very soiled ones and
> fives, and even a twenty. I've heard that rich politicians and lawyers
> launder their money on a regular basis, and I was wondering if you
> could tell me how they do it, so I could get these bills cleaned up.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, there are a couple ways you can do that. First, rich politicians
} and lawyers have to do something to cover up the manure scent that they
} would otherwise exude. So, they just pour on a little cologne, to
} sweeten everything up. They do that to their money too. Or, sometimes
} they give their manure-scented money to those who don't care what their
} money smells like as long as they have some. Finally, sometimes they
} spend their money at the track, which smells like manure anyway, so no
} one knows the difference.


959-07    (5lOl5 dist, 3.0 mean)
Selected-By: Scott Forbes <trans@lucent.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Wise and Powerful Oracle, whose pixels are always sharp and focused,
> please tell me:
>
> Do you swap stupid supplicant stories with other Oracles?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} You bet!  The LAN Oracle and I have an awful lot of geek stories,
} as you can imagine, and the Cellular Oracle gets some pretty funny
} calls from people stuck in their cars.  Of course, these are tame
} compared to the stories the 900 Number Oracle has to tell!  We all
} feel kind of sad for the Telegraph Oracle, the Ham Radio Oracle,
} and poor old Smoke Signal Oracle, but then we sit back and listen to
} the Courtroom Stenographer Oracle for a while, and pretty soon we're
} all howling with laughter again.
}
} You owe the Oracle another story like your last one, remember?
} With the cabbage and the ... heh heh ... box of weasels, when you ...
} ha ha ha! ... tried to fit all those frat boys into a ... ha ha ha
} ha ha ha ha!


959-08    (3eoGj dist, 3.6 mean)
Selected-By: mchevalier@WELLESLEY.EDU

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Og beat forehead with big rock in strong-fear, approaches Oracle on
> Og's belly. Please tell Og...
>
> Og find funny mushrooms growing in forest. Og hungry. Og eat mushrooms.
> Og see strange things. Og see giant bats trying to suck Og's blood. Og
> see man looking at box-with-pictures, laughing. Man say something about
> "Mii-kro" and making all peoples slave. What Og do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Good hear Og voice again.  How Og woman?  How Oglings?  Oracle BIG glad
} Og ask Oracle this one.  Og have good opportunity change world.  Make
} world better.  Og lucky.  Og change history.
}
} Now Og do this:  Og take rock, stop beating Og head.  Og need all brain
} Og got.
} Now Og take rock, give Mii-kro BIG whack on head.  Now Og whack man
} again. Again.
} Whack whack whack.  Next Og get big apple.  Og get biggest apple Og
} ever see.
} Og whack Mii-kro few more time with apple.  Og leave apple.  Og hide
} rock.
}
} Og not owe Oracle anything.  Oracle owe Og!  Og hero!  Og get free
} question now.
} Og say hi to Og wife and Oglings too.


959-09    (4huFa dist, 3.4 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

>                                                  Stiftung Warentest
>                                         Oberhintertupflingerstr. 69
>                                               47111 Koelle am Rhein
>                                                             Germany
>
> Orrie
> c/o Internet Oracle
> Mount Olympus
> somwhere in Indiana, USA
>
>                                                  Koelle, 1997-11-11
>
> Subj: your service, file number IO501-11
>       (Please attach the file number to your reply.)
>
> Dear Mr. Orrie,
>
> we, the Stiftung Warentest, have spent a long time with watching
> your organisation. As an omniscient being you surely know that we
> intend to check products and services on the German market in order
> to warn people of products or services of poor quality or even
> dangerous and broken things.
> Since there is an ever increasing number of German supplicants to
> you, the so-called Internet Oracle, we have decided to check your
> service as well.
> So far we've read over 500 questions and your answers. For our last
> and final test we'd like you to answer the following included
> question. The questions has been selected from over 1000 questions
> and represents a question of average length and difficulty.
>
> ___________________________O/____ cut here ________________________
>                            O\
>
> Oh Internet Oracle most famous,
>
> please explain Einstein's relativity theorie to me.
> My physics teacher couldn't succed.
>
> ___________________________O/____ cut here ________________________
>                            O\
>
> Thank you for your cooperation,
>
>    Prufer
>   (departement for testing omniscient beings and gods and so on)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Dear Stiffie,
}
} Of course I am familiar with your organization, as well as several
} other consumer-oriented agencies around the world.  I must say
} that I was at first reluctant to reply to you, since I have been
} disappointed in some of the coverage I've received from you in the
} past.  For example, your review of The Internet Oracle's Marmot-Be-Gone
} Mark XVII was quite critical of the product's potential for ejecting
} bone splinters at high velocity, while we maintain that no other
} product provides such a satisfying finality to the completion of
} its task.  Also, we feel that you completely missed the point of the
} fun and hilarity in The Internet Oracle's Virus Of The Month Club.
}
} Nevertheless, the question you have selected for me allows me to
} address another of these differences of opinion, and so I agree
} to address it for you.  It is indeed fairly typical of the many
} submissions I get, in that it contains multiple misspellings,
} poor grammar, and a salutation completely inadequate in scope.
} This supplicant has made the common error of asking a simple question,
} assuming that the answer is much more complex than necessary.
}
} Einstein's basic breakthrough was in understanding the importance
} of the observer in interpreting events.  For example, consider that
} stein of full-bodied ale on the table in front of you.  (Don't worry,
} your boss can't see you.  He's not omniscient like me.)  You would
} say that it is about half a meter away.  I, on the other hand, would
} say that it is nine thousand miles away.  How can two observers come
} up with such different answers?  Because we are measuring space from
} our own frame of reference.  The answer we come up with is *relative*
} to our own location.
}
} Based on some interesting manipulation of Maxwell's equations (Einstein
} drank coffee rather than beer), Einstein realized that time was in some
} ways much like the three dimensions we know as space.  His theory was
} that the measurement of time might be subject to the same *relativity*
} as space.  Now, go ahead and quaff your beer ... all of it!  Yes,
} order another, by all means.  You see, in your frame of reference,
} the glass became empty about five seconds in the past.  But in my frame
} of reference, since I must write this reply before you can receive it,
} the beer has not even been poured yet.  Thus, time also is *relative*.
}
} As you can see, the answer is really quite simple.  There are some
} fascinating effects of physics which result from the relativity
} of time, which account for much of the confusion on the principle.
} For example, there is the well known "twin paradox" which involves
} two twins who go separate ways.  One stays on Earth, while the other
} journeys away at a speed close to the speed of light, then returns.
} Due to the different properties of their frame of reference, time
} passes much more slowly for the traveling twin, and he returns younger
} than his brother.  Many people find this counterintuitive, having flown
} with an airline at one time or another.  Go ahead, have another beer,
} it will help you relax and understand.
}
} As a further illustration, consider The Internet Oracle's Time Travel
} Club.  Yes, this is the same plan rejected by your agency as "Schpamme
} ver Dumkopfen".  However, with your new understanding of relativity,
} I think you will begin to appreciate its merits.  Have another beer!
} The basic concept is to make use of Einstein's theory by traveling
} through different time zones (frames of reference, remember?) and thus
} altering the mechanics of time for the observer.  By traveling in the
} orientation known to Earth observers as "west", one can enter a frame
} where time is shifted backward one, two, three hours, or even more.
} Even more mind-boggling, if you travel "east", you can see several
} hours into the future!  Have another beer!  Of course, the high rate
} of speed is what causes the effect to be noticeable, so these trips
} are not inexpensive.  But rest assured that your $100,000 buys you
} the finest coach seat available on the fastest commuter aircraft
} available to modern science.  Have another beer!
}
} I think you will agree that The Internet Oracle's Time Travel Club
} makes much more sense now.  I accept your humble gratitude for
} answering your question, and eagerly await your organization's new
} appraisal of my latest offering.  You might want to wait until after
} you've been to the men's room.
}
} You owe the Oracle an analysis of Window Seats 95.


959-10    (5hDva dist, 3.2 mean)
Selected-By: "Alyce Wilson.Nesbit" <berlin63@hotmail.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> In the past few days, I have uncovered a terrible plot against humanity.
> Along with a friend, I succeeded in breaking into Hell's admin. network.
> Among other things, we found documents dealing with a plan to alter the
> balance of good and evil. Below is a summary of this plan:
> --
> Under present divine policy, suicide is considered to be a mortal sin,
> fully equivalent to murder. Such is the weight of this sin that there is
> no chance of the victim avoiding Hell.
>
> It is this policy that provides the basis to Satan's plan. He has
> dispatched an unknown number of demons to the mortal realm, with the
> task of increasing the worlds suicide rate. We were unable to identify
> most of these demons, but one has been successful beyond Satan's wildest
> hopes.
>
> The name of this demon is Baalgatez. Over the last 20 years, he has
> risen to a position of great power in the global computer industry.  'A
> computer on every desktop' is his corporate policy, and this reveals his
> objectives. A computer on every desktop - all running software carefully
> designed to maximise frustration and drive it's users mad.
>
> The result of course is that users of this software will eventually go
> insane, killing both themselves and frequently those around them. And
> the direct result of this is that all these users will go straight to
> hell. And Baalgatez' policy describes the magnitude of this plan
> perfectly - his end aim is to send every human being to hell, thus
> tipping the balance of power in favour of evil.
>
> --
> So this is his plan. Tell me great one - how can we stop this? Short of
> a divine edict overturning His suicide policy, I see few options... I
> only hope this revelation is in time.
>
> A desperate supplicant.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O brave but not-too-bright supplicant, thank you for your research, but
} of course we forces of good have known about this plan for some time.
} A little analysis will reveal the fatal flaw in Baalgatez' plot: the
} "computer on every desktop".  You realize, of course, that there are
} many more humans than computers in the world.  In fact, we forces of
} good have been doing our part to get organizations with large numbers
} of desktops to "downsize" and "reorganize", thus moving humans into
} the "service sector" where their work environment is changed from a
} "desktop" to a "deep fryer".
} As yet, Baalgatez has been unable to control the deep fryer industry,
} and so our large-scale plan to save the souls of mortals has met
} with resounding success.  It is true that we have lost a good number
} of those who managed to keep computer-related jobs or have become
} addicted to Soulitaire or PinBaal, but frankly we were concerned
} about their influence on Heaven anyway.  So you see, supplicant,
} the response is well in hand, and now the only problem will be to
} make room for all these overweight people in their paper hats.
}
} You owe the Oracle some fries with that.


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