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28 Apr 2024 home : about : create : digests : bestofs : specials : priests 19:10:55 GMT


Internet Oracularity #1378-02    (13aed dist, 3.9 mean)
Selected-By: Mike Nolan <nolan@romaine.tssi.com>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was:

> Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet hurt!
>
> Why do people have to die?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The simple biological reason is that evolution is really good at having
} 'optimized' a human being (any creature, actually) to survive long
} enough to reproduce and raise their children.  Since human children
} need 8-15 years of care to have (at least a reasonable) chance of
} survival on their own, and given that every human couple needs to have
} '2' children to keep the numbers constant and that the children needs
} to have a couple of years between them, a good lifespan target for a
} human is in the range of 30-40 years.  However, from an evolutionary
} standpoint the optimization stops there and humans above the age of 40
} (or so) just get in the way.  Eventually one of the critical parts
} (heart, lungs, disease control, etc) that got the human to an age of
} 40 just 'wears out' and death occurs.
}
} However, I think you are looking for an answer more like:
} ---
} First Supplicant: "Oracle, you are so awesome, that you make my feet
} hurt.  Why do people have to die?"
}
} Oracle: "Great idea.  From now on, humans live forever.  NEXT!!!"
}
} First Supplicant: [Bows and exits stage left]
}
} Next Supplicant:  [Enters from stage left]  "Oh great and wonderful
} Oracle, How much wood would a woodchuck..."
}
} Oracle: "You miserable, insolent cur.  TAKE THAT!!!" <<ZOT> [A bolt
} of highly charged plasma arcs towards the supplicant and strikes him
} on the chest].
}
} Next Supplicant: [Cringes, expecting the worst, but nothing happens.
} Slowly he straightens his back, brushes some dust off his jacket,
} and continues].  "er, chuck if a woodchuck..."
}
} Oracle:  "What in tarnation?" <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZOT>> <<ZZZOOOOTTTT>>
}
} Next Supplicant: [cringes yet again, but nothing happens]. "could
} chuck"
}
} Oracle: "I take it back.  Humans don't live forever."
} <<ZZZZZOOOOOOOOTTTT>>
}
} Next Supplicant: [doesn't exist any more; has been replaced with a
} loose pile of dust and a whiff of smoke].
}
} Oracle:  "I feel better already...  NEXT!!!"
} ---
} So you see, death exists so that stupidity can be adequately
} rewarded...

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